Wednesday, December 04, 2002

WTAE-TV Sponsors Project Bottoms-Up Telethon

Stemming from the success of this year’s Project Bundle-Up, The Salvation Army and WTAE-TV announced plans to hold another telethon aimed at local disadvantaged college students. Project Bottoms-Up will provide collegians ages 21 to 25 with alcoholic beverages to help them fight off the winter chill.

“These days, kids aren’t too keen on wearing hand-me-downs,” said telethon emcee Joe DeNardo. “But they need to stay warm somehow. Believe me, alcohol is a better insulator than some ratty, old parka.”

The three-hour, live broadcast telethon will feature music, entertainment, and appearances by local celebrities including former Pittsburgh Panthers Head Coach Johnny Majors and former Allegheny County Judge Patrick McFalls.

“I wish they had this kind of charity when I was in school,” McFalls said in a telephone interview from an undisclosed alcohol rehabilitation facility.

During the event, sober volunteers will take small groups of students on bar-hopping excursions around the city and also help them navigate their way through Wine and Spirits Shops.

“If I can save just one kid from freezing his ass off this winter by purchasing a case of Jim Beam...well I consider that a sound investment,” volunteer Debbie Shaver said.

Through fundraising efforts, the generosity of the community, and donations from area bars, liquor stores, and beer distributors, organizers estimate that over 50,000 students will benefit from Project Bottoms-Up. Eligibility is based on economic needs and the accessibility to free beer, therefore fraternity members are exempt. “Sure, it’s true that alcohol only creates an illusion of warmth,” DeNardo said, “but we hope to generate enough donations so that these kids can drink themselves numb until spring arrives.” Applications are available at the University Beverage Center, Craig Street Distributing, and Mellinger's Beer Distributor.

Rendell Vows To Do Nothing For South Oakland

Newly elected Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell made thousands of promises to millions of voters in hundreds of neighborhoods across the state. However

“It’s a shit hole,” Rendell commented. “Broken bottles, human [excrement], no place to park, litter in the streets, and run-down housing. This place is worthless to me, the city of Pittsburgh, and the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.”

Rendell has appropriated zero dollars from the state to improve the ailing community. In addition, Rendell has not appointed any representational resources to the neighborhood. Also, the neighborhood will not be chosen as a “weed and seed” district in which the state allocates money to rebuild struggling communities.

“‘Weed and seed,’ are you kidding me?” said Rendell. “I’m no horticulture expert, but I’ve never heard of any life form which can grow out of vomit, urine, and passed out frat boys.”

While Rendell remains opposed to South Oakland reform, spin doctors warn this policy could potentially alienate the incumbent from the nearly 28 registered South Oakland voters in the next election.

Mayor Murphy Now Working on "Plan U"

Mayor Tom Murphy has been dedicated towards Downtown re-development ever since he offered up his initial plan for golden triangle improvements in 1997. Since an aging Allegheny County population rejected that proposal, Murphy has offered subsequent Plan B-T’s, which have likewise been refused.

Now Murphy is heading back to the drawing board and has come up with a plan which he believes is sure to please both city dwellers and Allegheny County voters.

Murphy’s Plan U is a four tiered plan which he believes will “significantly enhance” quality of life for both visitors and residents of Downtown Pittsburgh. Murphy’s Plan U calls for a ten thousand dollar enticement to:
(1) bring a brand new Dollar General store to the former site of the Fifth Avenue five-and-dime
(2) Lazarus to change and replace a burned out street light in front of its side door
(3) removal of all BL4CK H4M posters from downtown dumpsters, and for (4) all downtown convenience stores to carry Rap Snacks.

“I believe I have finally found the magic formula which will draw suburbanites Downtown,” Murphy declared. “By bringing light, both metaphorically, and in actuality, with the new Lazarus light bulb, by removing unwanted blight, and offering potential for dollar bargains and hip inner city snacks, we have uncovered a winning combination for urban improvement.”

Murphy’s intuitions were backed up by Pitt sophomore John Washington who supported the plan. “Shit yeah, I’d go Downtown if they had Rap Snacks. Those Juvenile ‘Barbequein’ with my Honey’ chips are bomb.”

However, not all Pittsburgh residents are as enthusiastic as Washington. City Council President Bob O’Connor has vowed to fight Murphy’s proposal with filibusters if necessary. He is apparently unhappy with the mayor’s backing of Rap Snacks. “Everyone knows Troyer Farm chips are the way to go,” said an upset O’Connor. “They’re light, airy, and fluffy. They are plain and simply a superior snack food.”

Murphy’s proposal is pending city and county council approval, and, if approved, will be enacted starting in Fall 2003.

Local Bars Offering "Suicide Specials" to Capitalize on Seasonal Depression

The sign outside of Denny’s Bar says it all: Santa’s Special: $5 Wild Turkey Fuck-it Buckets! That’s 5 Gallons of Bourbon for only $5!

In an attempt to cash-in on seasonal depression, many South Oakland bars are offering all-you-can-drink specials so patrons can slowly gulp themselves into a state of drunken indifference over the holidays. Recent studies indicate that over 75% of the population suffers from the “winter doldrums,” a sub-clinical level of Seasonal Affective Disorder, brought about by stress, fatigue, over-commercialization, and family togetherness.

“Suicide rates skyrocket around the holidays,” said Mad Mex owner John Fillmore, “and it’s easier to put a shot in your mouth than a shotgun. That’s why we’re offering 25-cent tequila shooters from 10 a.m. to 2 a.m. now through New Year's Eve. Here at Mad Mex our philosophy is ‘when life gives you lemons, break out the tequila!’”

Peter’s Pub, usually a haven for upbeat alcoholic revelry, will hold Unhappy Hour every evening from 5 to 7, featuring dollar Jagermeister pints. It’s burly bouncer Dave Graver’s job to see that patrons are sufficiently suicidal before entering the bar.

“If they look even the slightest bit happy I’ll call them names and give them a wedgie or something,” Graver said.

After Unhappy Hour at Peter’s, gloomy drinkers can head down Oakland Avenue to Fuel and Fuddle, home of J.C.’s 100 Beers Cult. Now through the end of December, customers can try and drink all 100 beers in one day!

“We’re not like most cults,” said manager Rob Goode. “Chugging arsenic-laced Kool-Aid isn’t an obligation of membership. Fuel and Fuddle’s only stipulation is that you drink $500 worth of beer in 24 hours. If Mark Nordenberg can do it … anyone can.”

Bootlegger’s bartender Bob Talbot is hopeful that the holiday blues will generate lots of green.

“I can’t wait for our ‘Pitcher of Bacardi 151 for $1.51’ special!” he said. “I plan on making a killing in tips. No pun intended.”

Christmas In Oakland

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Pederson Welcomes Winners of Season Ticket Lottery

Earlier this year, the University of Pittsburgh announced that only some students were going to be given the opportunity to purchase season tickets for the 2002-2003 Men’s Basketball season. Not only is this season the first to be played in the newly built Petersen Event Center, but also follows a year which saw the Panthers advance to the semi-finals of the NCAA tournament. Knowing public demand would be high and the university would stand to make a considerably larger profit selling season tickets at full prices, the Athletic Department chose to minimize the amount of tickets made available to students at discounted prices. Those students looking to be eligible to purchase season tickets had their names placed into a lottery system.

The fervor surrounding “who would win” ran wild around Oakland and the Pitt community throughout the school year, while the mystery of what wonders lay within the Events Center grew larger. “Nobody ever goes in… nobody ever comes out,” said one crazy looking knife-cart-pushing man near the entrance. Finally, this past month, the lucky winners of the “Season Ticket” were announced.

Winners were sent their tickets, on which was printed:

Greetings to you, the lucky winner of this Season Ticket from Mr. Steve Pederson. Present this ticket at the Events Center gates at ten o’clock in the afternoon of the twenty-third day of November and do not be late. In your wildest dreams you could not imagine the marvelous surprises that await you!

“I’ve got a season ticket!” sang Charlie Bucket, one of the winners. “I’ve got a season pass to watch the games. And with a season ticket, it’s a golden day.”

Finally, on November 23, the first regular season basketball game was held, and those lucky season ticket winners were escorted personally by Mr. Steve Pederson into the Events Center for a grand tour, before the game began. “Come with me,” Pederson began, “and you’ll be in a world of Pitt imagination.” Pederson could hardly contain his own excitement and awe inside the new state-of-the-art facility. “If you want to view the University of Pittsburgh’s new athletic/academic paradise, simply look around and view it.”

Pitt Junior Wonders What the Hell's Going On With Iraq

It is a subject which has been on the minds of most Americans across the country for months. However, for one University of Pittsburgh junior, the looming war with Iraq and its threat of acquiring nuclear weapons is a subject of confusion.

“I know whatever it is, it’s not good,” Pitt junior Jeremy Cassel declared. “Maybe something about a war because they did something to us. I think they might have said something bad to President Bush or his father.”

Cassel’s difficulty understanding current events issues stems from his failure to read or watch a local or national news outlet. Cassel has apparently not seen a news headline since this past summer when he witnessed a CNN news piece about a potential drought for the East Coast while waiting for his Atwood Street barber, Joe Bellasario.

“Yeah, I guess this summer was pretty hot,” remembered Cassel. “There was maybe not enough water in Philadelphia, so people couldn’t wash their cars or something. Maybe we’re warring with Iraq to get more water so we can wash our cars again?”

Cassel’s closest encounter with a news story about the potential Iraqi conflict came while smoking marijuana with roommate Geoff Lewis. Cassel apparently caught a Daily Show spoof on the subject, but was reportedly too high to understand its implications.

South Oakland Tits Expected to Bounce Back in '03

Chief South Oakland breast forecaster Donald Wideman has predicted a favorable upswing for horny, undergraduate males on the lookout for chesticular scenery this coming year. Wideman predicts a big bounce back starting in the second quarter of 2003.

“Those getting discouraged by the market need to be patient,” advised Wideman. “The current breast climate is not the same one you’ll see towards the early part of 2003 when the market will start to peak. The best thing watchers can do right now is pick out potential prospects and wait for them to pan out.”

Wideman explains the current cleavage drought is due to several conjoining factors. He cited cold weather, which causes females to pile on layers, a current trend towards wool sweaters, and a worldwide reactionary fashion movement against Pop-Star Christina Aguilera’s latest makeover.

“I think once spring starts to arrive, you’re going to see a tube top/tank top resurgence which will really spark the jugular impetus needed for a full recovery,” continued Wideman.

While Wideman says the turn around is still months away, breast watchers do not need to hibernate until spring. He recommended some tips for power players to stay active during the current dry spell.

“Although the cold weather brings increased coverage, watchers still need to remember that it provides valuable opportunities for hard-nipple spotting. And while breast spying on the street is at a low, keep in mind high-yielding virtual alternatives. I personally explore ‘skin-a-max,’, and reruns of Felicity when the market’s stalled. The opportunities are there, you just have to know where to find them.”

What South Oakland treats are you leaving for Santa this Christmas?

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Point / Weaker Point: Responsibility

My Son Is So Responsible
By Evelyn Mathers

I am so proud of my little Billy. He’s a junior now at Pitt, majoring in Engineering. Ever since he was little, he loved to play with his erector sets and create structures, building them higher and higher each time. His grandparents gave him a chemistry set when he was young and he would spend hours concocting new potions and showing us his experiments.

Billy’s father and I are amazed at his accomplishments. He’s always been responsible by budgeting and saving money for his future. He has a work-study job and pays his own bills, but his father and I decided recently to help him out with the rent. I know how tough it is to be a full-time student and make ends meet. I don’t want him to have to worry about balancing too many jobs and school just to keep his head above water. His studies are the most important thing right now. My little Billy is going to have a successful, high-profile career in Chemical Engineering and nothing's going to stop him.

Dude, Check Out This New Three-Foot Bong I Bought
By William Mathers, Jr.

So, dude, check this out! Ain’t it sweet? I just got it this week…man, I can’t tell you how awesome it hits. My job’s been sucking lately and they’ve been making me work more hours. And I’ve been spending all my time at Jody’s house because they’ve always got weed there.

I guess I kind of have been neglecting my school shit. I might fail two of my classes, but that’s all right cause I’m having a good time. Now’s the time, right? Fuck school anyway. I’ll be able to find a job when I get out.

I’ve been working so much that I needed a release. I can’t have all my money go to bills. So I told my mom that rent was like $400 and she believed me! I spent all my cash from working those long hours just to get this righteous bong. Now I don’t have to worry about my schedule because this bong kicks so much ass that I don’t even want to leave the house – good thing Mom and Dad are picking up the tab!

What's Cookin, Souf Oaklin' Gourmet?

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Stevie Leiter's Head's Up!

Hi. How are you?

Well, let me just tell you that Stevie is just fabulous!

These past few months have been absolutely glorious!

First, my great friend and boss Tom Stilley got married in such a beautiful wedding ceremony. That Donny is growing up to be quite the looker! And, oh, what a beautiful bride Veronica made. But enough of this mushy stuff, really, I’m getting upset. Oh, I need a spritzer!

So, why are you so happy, Stevie?

Well, skipping the obvious reasons, like it being football season (yummy!) and cooler weather (I love the Winter!), I’ve met someone special with whom I’ve been spending a lot of time. Oh, and I just get all gushy around the holidays! Thanksgiving was great! I love turkey. Can’t wait for some Christmas ham and New Year’s pork.

But we want entertainment news and gossip!

OK, but I’m warning you, you won’t like it:

Rick Sebak is getting fat. There, I said it. I know, I know, he’'s always had a bit of a cute ’lil spare tire, but really, Rick, maybe you should stop eating sausages all across the country and just stick with some Primanti’s at home or something. We all want to hear: I used to have a big gut, but it’s not there anymore.

In other news, Antwan Randell Cunningham is a bona fide hunk. I got some balls for him to catch!

Did anyone see Mr. Rogers on the 61C last week?

Well, that’s really all I have for you right now. Remember to wash your backside. You never know when it’ll be needed! Happy Holidays!

Scientists, Astronomers Eagerly Await Implosion of Pitt Sports Program

A joint group of Astronomers, Physicists, and other assorted scientists recently held a conference on the campus of the University of Pittsburgh to discuss what they believe to be the upcoming complete implosion of Pitt's sports program.

Led by Dr. Stephen Wells of the University of Pittsburgh’s Department of Physics and Astronomy and co-chaired by long-time sports analyst and Pittsburgh Post-Gazette writer Ed Bouchette, the conference focused on the larger sports programs within the university’s Department of Athletics.

“We mainly looked at the explosive growth of both the Football and especially Men’s Basketball programs,” explained Dr. Wells. “If you look at this chart that we drafted, you can see that if these programs follow along the same route as most typical red giants, they only have a very short time until they collapse completely, imploding in upon themselves.”

Added Bouchette, “I think that the accelerated growth of [Men’s] Basketball is going to trigger a chain reaction, destroying the hard work of [Football Coach Walt] Harris’s slow, successful rebuilding effort, not to mention completely destroying Pitt’s Big East Champion Swimming and Diving Teams, as well as Wrestling. I’m afraid to even speculate what this could do to the long-standing Big East Champion Dance Team.”

Dr. James Stallworth, the scientist who catalogued the collapse of the Temple University Owls’ Men’s Basketball program in 1988-89 (following the stellar 1987-88 season) was the keynote speaker of the conference. “The Panthers parallel the Owls in several ways. First, we see that Temple’s program seemingly grew beyond its natural boundaries when Coach Chaney acquired Mark Macon in 1987, as with Brandin Knight here at Pitt. Second, we have Coach Chaney taking his team to the NCAA Tournament, getting to the Elite 8 in 1988, then garnering Coach of the Year awards in 1987 and 1988. However, Temple fell hard in 1989, winning only 18 of their 30 games and only getting an NIT berth.”

“Finally, and this is where the Big Question still remains, we have here at Pitt somewhat of an anomaly: The [John and Gertrude] Petersen Events Center. What will the ramifications of such a venue be? Will it enable the Men’s Basketball team to overcome the sudden thrust into greatness – something Temple was not able to do? I just don’t know!”

The main conference findings indicated that Pitt’s sports program is indeed on the verge of collapse. “We’re all eager to watch how this implosion develops,” summarized Wells. “We note that it will most likely take the form of a really bad losing season next year for Men’s Basketball – and I mean losing to E.A. Sports All Stars bad. See, it’s already begun. Did you see that football loss to WVU?”

Big East Looking into Fellatio Allegations

A Heinz Field spectator held an impromptu press conference to announce his disapproval of Big East officiating during the November 30th Pitt/West Virginia collegiate football game.

“Hey ref, get off your knees cause you’re blowing the game,” chief spectator Greg Jones, 23, of Aliquippa declared after a holding penalty cost Pitt an apparent touchdown.

Jones’ comment was directed at Big East Field Judge James Donaldson, who called the aforementioned penalty as well as a roughing-the-passer call against Panther Middle Linebacker Gerald Hayes.

Big East authorities are currently investigating the accusations of fellatio against Donaldson and his crew.

“Historically, authority figures take certain liberties over younger and more vulnerable subjects. One need only remember President Clinton and Monica Lewinksy, or more recently the Catholic Priest scandal. That’s why we are taking these allegations very seriously. We do not condone any lewd or improper acts by any of our referees against any player, team, or physical sporting match,” said Big East Commissioner Michael A. Tranghese.

Jones later consoled his officiating frustrations throughout the rest of the contest with the flask of Jim Beam he smuggled into the stadium. By the end of the 3rd quarter, Jones had reportedly forgotten making the allegations against Donaldson.

Saturday, November 16, 2002

Pitt Sophomore Crusades for the Rights of Orange Race

Every time Nikki Long fills out a medical form, job application, or student survey, she feels righteous indignation well up inside of her.

In the box labeled “Race,” she sees Black, White, Asian, American Indian ... everything but what she is ... Orange. “I’m sick of pretending to be something that I’m not,” Long said. “I think I speak for thousands of sorority girls, Hooters waitresses, and strippers, when I say, ‘Don’t shortchange the orange!’”

Long’s daily visits to The Fake Bakery in Squirrel Hill have given her skin a bright orange hue. To keep up her carroty complexion, she also uses sunless tanner and maintains a diet high in beta-carotene. “I embrace my orangeness and I think it’s time that Pitt did the same.”

Long started her grassroots campaign, “Orange You Tired of Racism?”, two years ago, but received little attention from University officials. “We needed a high-profile orange mascot to get attention, so we used Ernie from ‘Sesame Street,’” said Tiffany Wood, public relations director for the innovative orange-pride movement. “Unfortunately, the Rainbow Alliance already claimed him so we were forced to use Gossamer, that big, hairy, orange Looney Toons monster-thing.”

When Warner Brothers heard that their obscure character was at the forefront of the crusade for equal orange rights, the company donated $50,000 to the cause. “Gossamer is a positive role model for the orange community and we're happy to see him get the recognition he so rightly deserves,” Warner Brothers CEO Barry Meyer said.

“Money talks,” Long said. “I waved a few G’s under the chancellor’s nose and now my Orange brothers and sisters are finally getting their props!”

The Pitt community now has promised to break ground for a new facility to help all students understand the plight of the Orange Race. The new Bronze Panther Tanning Salon is scheduled to open on August 1st.

Said Chancellor Nordenberg, “This new tanning salon may help me shed my pasty white complexion.”

Pitt, Gays Reach Compromise

For the past six years, the University of Pittsburgh been embroiled in an ongoing controversy surrounding the issue of same-sex benefits.

The issue has again come to the forefront in recent months, as students and faculty continue to stage protests proclaiming their views on and around campus.

Emerging from the turmoil that has raged for months, common ground has been found. Last week, Pitt Trustees and protesters came to a compromise that satiates both parties. Beginning March 1, 2003, Pitt is set to offer same-sex bathrooms for Pitt students, staff, and faculty.

“We couldn't justifiably offer benefits to same-sex partners due to the risk it incurs upon this University,” Pitt spokesman Robert Hill argued. “But late last night, we reached an agreement which both sides agreed to. Same-sex couples may not be able to go to the doctor together, but now while on Pitt’s campus, they will be able to go to the bathroom together.”

Pitt’s Gay and Lesbian group, the Rainbow Alliance, is calling the compromise a “small step towards achieving equality.” Spokesperson Erin Antonio commented, “This is a great day to be gay. Pitt has finally seen our side, and while we haven’t won the war, I believe we’ve won this battle.”

Bisexual Pitt Professor Janet Delstone was “overjoyed" with the announcement: “It’s a relief to know that every time I need to take a shit, my partner will be able to join me. Perhaps she will even be empowered enough to help with the wiping. Pitt’s policy is certainly revolutionary when it comes to same-sex bathrooms.”

However, not all in the Pitt community are as excited as Delstone. Pitt undergrad Mark Winters has offered a stern warning towards any homosexual bathroom users: “Them gays better stick to the Cathedral stalls that have doors.”

Regardless of any opposition, the same-sex bathrooms will be installed this spring, and will officially open with a Chancellor’s prune and coffee reception on April 31.

Fear Factor Shoots CMU Undergrad Episode

The NBC hit reality drama Fear Factor visited the campus of Carnegie Mellon University last week to shoot a special episode using CMU undergraduate students. Traditionally the show uses snakes, scorpions, and heights to put fear into its contestants. However, the show broke from format at CMU to appeal to their unique fears.

“We really wanted to get at the trepidations of CMU students. We knew our usual tricks wouldn’t work so we had to pull out all the stops. I think we dreamed up some great scenarios, which really translates on the face of the students,” Fear Factor host Joe Rogan explained.

NBC insiders said some of the challenges being explored were leaving the CMU males alone in a room full of girls, replacing the computer labs Windows XP operating system with antiquated Windows 3.1, and closing the library two hours earlier than the posted time.

“You should have seen the face of this one contestant when he was trying to load up his JavaScript on the Windows 3.1. I thought he was going to pick up his computer and toss it out the window,” Rogan remembered. “And the line of students huddled outside the library at 3:00 in the morning not knowing where else to go, that was priceless.”

Judging from the ratings on this CMU episode, Fear Factor is planning a University of Pittsburgh episode. Tentative ideas include shutting down Mellinger's for an entire weekend, increasing the price of an Antoon’s pizza, and bringing back Ralph Willard to coach the Panther's basketball team.

Paul O'Neil Sets Up Denny's Urinal Exchange

Based on his observations from his third world visit with Bono and Chris Tucker, Secretary of the Treasury Paul O’Neil has been recruiting local businesses in Pittsburgh to provide unique solutions to third world poverty. His newest venture combines the excesses of a popular Oakland establishment with the under valuation of foreign currency. Denny’s bar on Louisa Street, which collects upwards of $1.73 in discarded change a night in its men’s bathroom urinal, is now stepping up to help out O’Neil’s campaign.

“I’m very proud to announce this partnership with Denny’s Bar,” O’Neil explained. “By investing this urine soaked change in third world nations, we can hopefully inspire other American businesses to find innovative means of assisting impoverished countries.”

The money, which is currently thrown out every night by bartender Curt Wadsworth, will be collected and stored in a sanitizing jar. Once a large enough amount amasses, owner Gene Ney will bring the amount to a local Coin Star system. O’Neil will then disperse the money to the most needy African country.

“It just feels good to help out,” Patron Mike Donaldson explained. “Knowing that if I get drunk enough to throw change in a urinal, I’m providing nutrients to a starving African child. And my mother says I’m drinking my life away. What does she know. What are you doing for third world hungry people, mom? Huh? Answer me that?”

Pittsburgh School Board to Work Out Differences on Springer

Providing an outside the box conflict resolution strategy for coming to terms with a splintered school board, Superintendent John Thompson brought the nine member school board on the Jerry Springer show to resolve the conflict and finally put divisive issues to rest.

"Traditional meetings at the Board of Education office were obviously not working,” Thompson explained. “I really wanted a change of scenery to iron out our differences and get to the root of the problem.”

The November 18 episode which was taped last Thursday proved to be a heated event, insiders reported. “Things got especially impassioned when majority board member Theresa Colaizzi admitted the reason she didn’t vote for the hiring of additional math tutors was because minority member Bill Isler had an affair with her cousin’s lesbian lover.” Conflicts remained primarily verbal throughout most of the show with intense shouting and the occasional profanity. However, one outburst of physical abuse occurred when Board President Jean Fink threw her cup of water on School President John Thompson and exclaimed, “fix that you f----- as-----.” Thompson responded by picking up a chair and reportedly shouting, “Why don’t you f----- throw something else, b----.” Briefly afterwards he gathered his composure and expounded on the necessity of hiring more minority teachers.

TA Only Good for T&A

When sophomore Matt Gartland registered for Russian Fairy Tales, he was sure it would garner him an easy-A. Every week, he diligently attends lectures, recitations and review sessions. Now, mid-way through the semester, Gartland is perilously close to failing. The reason: Claudia Vladislav, his teaching assistant.

“Claudia is so hot! I can’t think of anything else when I’m around her!” Gartland exclaimed. “And with that thick Commie-accent I can’t understand a word she says anyway!”

Vladislav, a Russian-born grad student working on her Master’s degree in Sociology, is seemingly unaware of her sexual stranglehold on male students.

“From early in morning to late in the nighttime, boys come to office eager to learn of Russian Fairy Tale,” Vladislav said. “They bring flowers, chocolate candies, and pretty underwears to express love for material.”

Vladislav says American girls don’t seem as enthusiastic about the course.

Gartland hopes that by the end of the semester he can muster enough courage to ask Vladislav out on a date.

“I’ve got it all planned out,” he said. “During the final exam I’m gonna fill in those little circles in the shape of a heart, write her name in it, hand it to her and say, ‘Are those cosmonaut pants you’re wearing? Cause your ass is outta this world!’”

R. Kelly to Perform Fund Raising Concert for Oakland Middle School

At a press conference on Tuesday, Oakland Middle School director Michelle Lewis proudly announced that R&B singer/songwriter R. Kelly would be performing a benefit concert for the school.

“We’re very excited to have such a huge international star take time out of his busy schedule for our girls,” exclaimed Mr. Lewis. “I hope he’s as excited to spend time with them as they are about spending time with him.”

Lewis went on to explain that Kelly, known for his number one hits “I Believe I Can Fly” and “Bump N’ Grind,” came up with the idea to begin with. “He just looked in the phone book under schools, called up out of the blue, and said he was going to be in Pittsburgh next week. What an amazing man!”

Besides promising to perform some of his hit songs, R. Kelly also has a special surprise for all of the girls. “All of our young ladies will get a chance to go on a private tour of Mr. Kelly’s tour bus after the show, followed by a sleepover at his hotel,” Lewis explained. “We see this as a fantastic opportunity for our girls to dream big! We also understand that R. Kelly will be video taping the entire night for his own private collection of memories!”

“We just want to thank Mr. Kelly for thinking about the children,” concluded Lewis.

Dead Night at Thirsty's

They say that every night is “dead night” at Thirsty’s, and who knows better than bartender Jeff Armstrong.

“I’ve never made more than twenty fuckin’ bucks a night in tips.”

Due to lack of business, Thirsty’s Bar, at the corner of Center Ave. and Craig St., has decided to extend its Dead Night from Wednesdays to every night of the week.

Added Armstrong, “The name fits.”

“Thirsty’s is such a cool bar,” explains regular patron Melissa Walters. “I mean, it’s never crowded and the beer is so cheap, what’s not to love? I could use less Grateful Dead music, but it’s a small price to pay.”

Thirsty’s, whose sister bar Denny’s is one of the trendiest bars in Oakland, is considered to be a cash cow by many.

“I don’t know why that shithole is still open,” commented Pitt senior Sarah Zelar, “it’s not like they even get any business. And that goddam Grateful Dead music all the time.”

“I hear they’ve even got Old German at Denny's now,” said Armstrong. “We still try to entice people with fuckin’ Yuengling Lager.”

How to Stay Warm This Winter

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Point / Weaker Point: Homosexuality

You'll Never Believe Who's Gay!
By Joe D. Martino

Holy Fucking Shit, have I got a scoop for you all. You'll never believe who I saw walking out of Pegasus last Thursday night. You'll never believe it. Are you ready? Are you? Really? Tommy Steadman. That's right, Tommy Steadman star quarterback for North Allegheny High School is a fudge packer. Can you believe it?

The guys on the team are gonna freak when they hear this one. That little queer might as well just drop out of school. They're gonna tool on his ass. I bet you every day from now till the end of school he gets the crap beaten out of him.

I can't believe that faggot used to watch me change in the locker room. He probably used to think about my dick whenever he beat off. I could have sworn I saw him looking at me one time. I just blew it off at the time, but I should've fucking known better.

God damn homosexuals.

Wait till I tell Coach. Shit is gonna hit the fan. Once Coach gets a hold of him, he's gonna tear him a new asshole. Then Tommy can have two of his little butt-buddies fuck him in the ass at once.

He can forget about his scholarship too. Slippery Rock isn't gonna give some faggot-ass QB a scholarship. His life is fucked. Oh, I can't wait, this is gonna be good.

I'm Gay.
Tommy Steadman

I've been struggling with something for a long time now. It's been really hard to deal with. It's probably the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my life, but I thought I had to do it. So, last Thursday, I did it: I came out of the closet.

I don't think everyone knows yet, but I'm sure in a couple weeks they will. After all, this is high school and you know how gossip spreads around here.

So far I've told the important people in my life. I told my parents first. They were shocked, but real supportive. It's nice to have parents who will love you no matter what.

The next step was the hardest: I had to tell Coach. I was sure Coach would kick me off the team. Not because he's a bad guy or anything, it's just because he's one of those guys who's real macho. You know the type. Surprisingly Coach was real supportive. He said he understood and he didn't think I should leave the team. He even talked to the man who will be my coach next year at Slippery Rock. They straightened everything out and the Slippery Rock coach said he still wanted me to play there.

Because everything went so well with Coach, I decided to tell my friends. I was worried about that one, especially with my friends who were on the football team. But you know what, they had no problem with it either. I was shocked. You hear all of these coming out stories where people's friends and family reject them, and they're so alone. I'm glad I didn't have to go through any of that. I guess I'm just extremely lucky to have such an open-minded and understanding support system around me.

LCB Honors .20 Scholar Athletes

The Pennsylvania state Liquor Control Board honored 37 outstanding athletes who took top honors amongst their peers in Blood Alcohol Content for the 2001-2002 athletic seasons. At a ceremony hosted by Board Chairman, Jonathan H. Newman, the honorees were each given a 1.75 ML handle of Jose Cuervo Especial and a $2,000 scholarship from Anheuser-Bush.

“We are extremely proud of these athletes,” Athletic Director Steve Pederson declared. “Not only do they excel at the top of their respective sports, but they also find time to get smashed beyond all recognition. Not many other Division I programs outside of Florida can say the same thing.”

Every year the Pennsylvania LCB honors one distinguished in-state program which manages to balance athletic excellence with alcoholic prowess. With the 37 athletes at Pitt surpassing the .20 mark, the University of Pittsburgh was chosen as this year's recipient. Pitt narrowly beat out Penn State for the award. Lehigh University, who won the award the previous 13 years was disqualified from the competition after administration forced fraternities to go dry in November.

“Yeah, we drink way more than those Penn State pussies,” swimmer Nate Johnson declared in between shots of Jagermeister “We can pound beers with anyone in the country. P-E-N-N S-T sucks…down less alcohol than we do.”

Pitt Soccer Does Some Stuff

By Fred Talbert

Last Thursday University of Pittsburgh’s men’s soccer team played host to the feisty Eagles from neighboring Robert Morris University. The Eagles and Panthers both kicked the ball around a lot, with probably the Panthers doing more of the kicking than the Eagles. I think Pitt might have scored once or twice. And the Eagles might have scored only once, so I’m assuming Pitt won. I’m not positive, I left kind of early, it was my girlfriend’s birthday.

“Overall the team played pretty well,” Panthers Coach Harold Markson would have said, had I stayed around to interview him. “The season is getting harder with us playing better teams. Now we are going to have to play some powerhouses of soccer like the Temple Owls and the Rutgers Knights, or is it Red Knights, no wait, Scarlet Knights, that’s who they are.”

“Funny how the teams who are good at soccer aren’t so good at football,” Walt Harris would probably think if he paid attention to Pitt soccer, which he probably doesn’t. He's pretty busy with football, you know. Even though a lot of people complain about him, I think Walt is still a good coach. He’s done a pretty good job turning around this program. And although fans aren’t completely satisfied with the team, there is hope for the future.

“Just wait till [Tyler] Palko gets some experience,” Pitt junior soccer midfielder Brandon Hart is probably telling his teammates when they talk about football. “I think this team might be able to make it to a good bowl instead of the Liberty or Tangerine Bowl. Maybe an Orange Bowl sometime in the future?”

Pitt soccer is now 12-16, they play some games on the road before coming home to play some more games sometime soon. I think their schedule might be online somewhere if you follow links from

Tuesday, October 08, 2002

Pitt Announces Plans to Build New $76M State-of-the-Art Something-Or-Other

Following last week’s Board of Trustee’s meeting, University of Pittsburgh spokesman Robert Hill announced the school is planning on building a new $76 million state-of-the-art something-or-other. The new whatever-it-is is slated to be built in the block between Atwood and Meyran Streets, which is currently occupied by the Sennott Street parking lot.

“This is a very exciting time for the university,” began Hill. “What better way to celebrate the university’s bright outlook toward the future than by building some kind of new technologically-advanced marvel in some highly visible location in the Oakland community.”

As Pitt’s campus thrusts deeper and deeper into the South Oakland neighborhood, many residents are wondering what exactly the university has in store for their community.

“When students and residents see what the university has planned,” continued Hill, “be it a very modern glass and steel, a more traditional style, or something completely different, the community is going to have something to be proud of both functionally and aesthetically.”

While construction will build over the Sennott Street lot, Hill pointed out that university officials foresee no problems for faculty and students to easily access whatever it may be. “With the nearby Meyran parking garage, not to mention the normal off-street parking, no one will have any difficulty being able to learn or dine or practice or live in this wonderful new facility that will forever change the landscape and skyline of our community.”

With this new endeavor, Pitt hopes to once again garner national attention for having yet another over-blown, over-priced facility featuring the very latest advancements for on-campus housing or biotechnology or athletics or something.

“Be they pre-med, engineering, women’s basketball or even home-sick freshmen,” Hill added, “one small cross-section of students or faculty is really going to be blown away.”

“No matter what they build,” says long-time “Pitt Stop” owner and former Panther Charles “Chaz” Bonasorte, “I just hope they tell me soon, so I can put it on one of these competitively priced, super-durable, heavy-duty, cotton T’s.”

Oakland Businesses Reeling from Poor Economy, Spent Loan Refund Checks

Business in Oakland was booming in September.

A dominant part of the population returned for the fall semester at the University of Pittsburgh and other local colleges. But the return of the students also signals a rise in the Oakland economy because they actually have money to spend as their lenders hand over a semester’s worth of funds for living expenses.

“It’s just amazing,” said Janet Connolly, manager at Starbucks Coffee at the corner of Atwood and Forbes Avenue. “Money that is supposed to be used for rent and food for an entire four months is spent on frivolous purchases in under seven days – I love that time of year!”

Merchants reported a rise in sales of coffee, cases of beer, Dr. Martens shoes and boots, Diesel jeans, used CDs and DVDs, and other “exorbitant amounts of crapola,” as one business owner said.

As September progressed, funds ran low, and the out-of-control spending was curbed as students ran out of available cash. Now, business owners are trying to find innovative ways to lure kids back into their shops.

Businesses will be conducting promotional events during the middle of October as the slump continues, including “We accept purchases made entirely with assorted change” and “A case of beer is like buying 36 quarter drafts – and at the same price.”

Mellinger's Joins Upromise Program

Higher education costs continue to rise each year, and the perfect example is Pitt’s recent 14% tuition hike. Companies across the country, including Giant Eagle, McDonald’s, AT&T, American Express, and CVS have elected to become part of Upromise, the national program which helps parents save for their children’s college education.

This week, Mellinger’s Beer Distributor formally announced its involvement in the program. “Hey, college kids are my best customers,” said owner Pasquale “Patsy” Bellasario. “If I can’t keep the new generations of kids coming in, who will I have left?”

When individuals create a Upromise account, participating businesses and companies contribute a percentage of the member’s purchase to the account. Mellinger’s is contributing 2% of every case, keg, and cigarette purchase to members’ accounts.

“How great is this? I’m contributing to my future children’s college educations as I drink mine away!” said junior Tom Keys. “And my mom and dad always say I’m really irresponsible.”

Richard Florida Campaigns to Keep South Oakland Creative Class

Richard Florida, professor of regional economic development at Carnegie Mellon University, has lectured on the value of keeping creative Pittsburghers in this city. He writes about the dangers of losing these human resources to other, more prosperous cities like Charlotte, NC, Austin, TX, Washington, DC and New York City. Now Florida is specifying his theory towards South Oakland residents.

“We have untapped potential in this neighborhood,” Florida explained. “There are residents here who can make a bong out of an apple and can throw a happening party for less than $40. We really have to keep these residents here and provide them with opportunities, or else they will continue to move back home with their parents.”

Florida cites examples of the high turnover rate in South Oakland, where an astonishing 39% of residents live in the neighborhood for only one year, and 16% of its residents leave the city of Pittsburgh every year.

“It all comes down to opportunity, where are the prospects for these residents? Why can’t we have these residents putting together industrial machinery for Alcoa instead of marijuana pipes? And why can’t these people be organizing $100 a plate fundraising dinners for Cystic Fibrosis instead of collecting three dollars for a keg party? What’s stopping us as a city for providing those opportunities?” Florida continued.

To put his theories into action Florida announced creation of a new non-profit training and development organization called Bong Hits to Business Ventures. The group will provide out of school stoners with training and resources to stay competitive in the current job market.

South Oakland Man Addicted to Placebos

South Oakland resident Craig Barton can’t stop popping placebos.

“It's like this insatiable hunger,” Barton explained. Sometimes I take 50 to 100 pills a day!”

Barton developed his placebo-dependency after years of research study volunteerism. In 1999 he participated in a UPMC-sponsored trial of the impotence drug Viagra, where he took 10 placebos over a two-week period.

“It felt great! I was making money and having awesome sex,” he said, “so I decided to sign up for other experiments.”

Barton completed 64 studies – ranging from acne-drug tests to sleep disorder remedies – before hitting the streets in search of a more potent placebo. He immersed himself in the seedy, sugar-pill underworld and his life soon spiraled out of control.

“I was stealing from friends and family ... selling my body on Liberty Avenue ... anything that I could do to score some ‘bo,’” Barton said.

Last month he hit rock bottom. After experiencing painful withdrawal symptoms, Barton rooted through his girlfriend’s purse and stole her “reminder” birth control pills – she subsequently became pregnant.

“I’m going to be a father,” he said. “It’s time to admit that I have a problem and get help. I don't want my kid getting ridiculed because his dad’s a bohead.”

Barton checked into Placebo No-No, a local clinic that specializes in sugar-pill addiction, where he’ll undergo weeks of experimental treatment.

“It’s a painfully slow process,” said Dr. Steven Miller, director of Placebo No-No. “We’ll start him off on a strict regimen of Pixie Stick injections and gradually step down to Sweet N’ Low shock treatment before eradicating sugar from his system all-together.”

Barton is confident that he'll beat his addiction.

“I gain strength through the Serenity Prayer,” he said. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference between a placebo and a medicinal substance. Amen.”

The SOFL Guide to Pitt Homecoming Events

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New Exhibit at Carnegie to Showcase Oakland Dedevelopment

A new exhibit focusing on the decline of the Oakland area is set to open on November 2. “How Oakland Declined” is being touted as a sister exhibit of the popular “Designing Oakland” that ran from June 22 to September 29.

The exhibit features scenes from Oakland’s past and present, displayed to highlight how great Oakland fixtures such as the Duquesne Gardens, are now parking lots. A whole section of the exhibit is devoted to how once tree-lined beautiful streets are now overrun with trash and empty beer bottles.

Exhibit curator Jack Shopfler is enthusiastic about this new, ground-breaking exhibit on the Carnegie's neighborhood.

“Oakland used to be so cool,” explains Shopfler. “Places like The Decade had great bands, such as an early ‘80s appearance by U2. The Beehive was a bustling coffeehouse in a time before the coffeehouse was fashionable. Forbes Field hosted a historic World Series. A game at Pitt Stadium would fill Oakland almost every Saturday in the Fall. Now, look at this place.”

The idea for the new exhibit came from watching museum patrons, especially Pitt students, talk about how all the plans on display for Designing Oakland would probably never come to pass.

“I saw all that stuff on how they want to beautify Oakland,” said Pitt student Amy Rotello, “But, c’mon, we all know nothing’s going to happen. They had some great ideas for this dump, too.”

“Calling Oakland a “dump"” isn’t too far off,” Shopfler quipped. “The streets are always lined with trash – there are beer bottles and empty cans all over the place. Often on Saturday or Sunday morning, you can see vomit on the sidewalks. Oakland is really falling apart. This new exhibit will hopefully show everyone that Oakland wasn’t always a shithole.”

Support for “How Oakland Declined” is provided by the Henry Hillman Foundation and the Heinz Architectural Center.

Point / Weaker Point: The Strip

I Love the Strip
- by Sala Udin, Pittsburgh City Councilman - District 6

Man, I love the Strip. Where else in Pittsburgh can you get fresh seafood, meat, and vegetables, a mean fish sandwich, and tons of Steelers merchandise right down the street from all the great night clubs?

The clubs in the Strip are always happening. We got Rosebud, M, Area 51, Whiskey Dick's, Club Millennium, the “boardwalk,” hell, even BAR’s OK sometimes. These clubs bring a much needed scene to the city of Pittsburgh, a scene which has a prominent role in keeping young people in Pittsburgh. There are different clubs for every kind of person – rock and roll, techno, house, trance, drum and bass, you name it we got it.

In the Strip District there is something for every type of person – black, white, Asian, Mexican, doesn’t matter what you are or where you come from. The Strip has something for you. I love it here!

I Love to Strip!
- by Mandy "Star" Peters, Stripper - Bare Elegance

Man, I love to strip! At first, I really hated it – I hated men ogling over my trim body and large medically-enhanced boobs. But then I realized: why did I spend $15,000 on tits if I wasn't going to show them off? Hell yeah! And in three weeks of stripping, I made the money back.

I’ve been stripping for three years and made enough money that I started CMU Engineering last fall. I know enough about physics to know that this bod might look great now, but hello entropy! It’s not going to last. Plus, stripping has the greatest hours – I can go to classes all day, do my homework, study, and then I go to the club around 10 or so and dance for about 2 hours, then I’m home and in bed by 1 a.m.! It’s great! And if I do a private party, I’ll make a ton of money – I usually try to get parties around midterms and finals so that I can take the week off to study.

What a great job! I love stripping!

What are your Columbus Day Plans?

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"Yinz Are All A Bunch A Jag-Offs!" Decrees Blawnox Native

Blawnox native and Pitt junior Donny Lewsheski is not the kind of guy to get on your bad side. Just ask the residents of 367 Atwood Street. Last weekend, they hosted a “kick-ass kegger” and resident Bill Jones invited Lewsheski to come over and “peep the scene.”

“Yeah, I invited [Lewsheski] over. We’re both English majors and we’ve had most of our classes together for the last three years, but we never really hung out much. Don lives with his parents in Blawnox, and I live in Oakland, so we never got to party together,” explained Jones.

Unfortunately, Jones’ good intentions turned sour during a beer pong game when Lewsheski and his partner, Jen Marliva, lost to Jones and his roommate Todd Evans. Lewsheski reportedly went “fucking ape-shit.”

“No, dude, he definitely went fucking ape-shit,” clarified Evans. “One minute it was all a friendly game. We had them by like a cup, but that hottie Jen, she hits the muther fucker to tie it all up. But then we’ve got both the balls, right, and Jonesie just nails that shit and is all like, ‘what you got now, Lewsheski?’ ya know, some friendly table-talk. Well, fuck me if Donny didn't throw the cup at Jonesie. It was fucking crazy. Jen ducked for cover as Donny tossed the table to the side like he was the [Incredible] Hulk, dude. And it took like four guys to keep him from wiping the floor with Bill. Fucking nut case.”

As the situation began to quiet itself, Jones, Evans, and fellow residents Chuck Upstien and Jay Rebert asked Lewsheski to leave quietly. Lewsheski was anything but compliant. Lewsheski reportedly said, “Fuck off, Bill,” as he walked out the front door, then he turned and delivered his most solemn oath of hatred, known in Blawnox as the worst curse utterable: “yinz are all a bunch a jag-offs!” And he stormed off into the night.

“Donny’s cool, but I guess he gets a little competitive sometimes. To be honest, I'm glad we escaped with our lives. I’ve heard that Blawnox people are fucking psycho when they get hammered.”

Steelers Importance in the Universe

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Those Players of Football Do Good!

By Akimoto Saburo
Foreign Exchange Student

I love the Panthers of Pittsburgh. Last Saturday the night I went to game at the Heinz field. Panthers played a red and white team. The team was good, but the Panthers play much better to win match. #25 run ball fastly and good. He big strong American. Run over red and white team players like horses run over people.

Scoreboard say 3:23. Then red ketchup come out of bottles. Me take picture, send back home to family on computer.

Me buy Nachos and Hot Dogs. I no like the Heinz Ketchup on hotdog I buy. Mustard and relish me like more better. I no buy Coca-Cola. No color soda. I like the no color soda.

#12 throw ball very far. Football filled with much things happening. I think I go back to game. I think Panthers win many games and go to World Series. Thank you!

Researchers Find That Penn State Really Does Suck

After months of hands-on research, scientists from the Institute for Promiscuity Studies revealed to the nation what Pitt fans have known for years: Penn State sucks. A lot!

Findings indicate that students of The Pennsylvania State University, both male and female, perform fellatio at a staggeringly high rate.

No wonder they call it “Happy Valley.”

“The incidence and frequency of oral sex on this campus is 75% higher than the national average,” head researcher Dr. John Doettler said. “It's jaw-dropping!”

Novelty sex shops in the State College-area report an overwhelming demand for flavored condoms and dental dams. Mark Adams, owner of Kondom Kingdom, says that he can't keep his shelves stocked. “The kids just keep coming, and coming, and coming,” he said.

Scientists conducted their research from the famous Penn State Creamery, a popular campus hangout, where they were able to interview a large number of students at random. “This whole campus is a ‘creamery’ if you know what I mean,” said researcher Mike Brown.

When it comes to identifying the reason for Penn State's collective oral fixation, scientists have a firm grasp on the situation, “There’s absolutely NOTHING else to do in this godforsaken cow town!” Dr. Doettler ejaculated.

Senior Mindy Smith agrees, “On weekends it’s either keg stands or blowjobs. I go for blowjobs ‘cause beer makes me gag … okay, makes me gag more.”

Rodney Erikson, executive vice president and Provost, was shocked by the statistics. “This really blows me away,” he said. “It’s all very hard to swallow.”

As word of Penn State’s reputation trickles out across the country, some Pitt students are changing their views on the university's long-time intra-state rivals.

“P-E-N-N-S-T sucks, dude,” sophomore Sam Moorhead cheered, “I’m totally transferring!”

Tuesday, September 03, 2002

Pitt Trustees Raise Tuition, Roof
- 14% Tuition Blown on Weekend Bender

Last month, the University of Pittsburgh’s Board of Trustees voted to raise in-state tuition by 14% and out-of-state tuition by 10%. The increase, originally intended to help the University cover cuts in state appropriations, was later blown on a weekend party thrown by the trustees in Las Vegas, Nevada.

Events unraveled last Thursday evening in the Chancellor’s office in the Cathedral of Learning. The Board had finished their business and were relaxing to a catered dinner and open bar.

“Well, one martini became two, and two became three and so on…” began University of Pittsburgh Spokesman Robert Hill, throwing down two Extra Strength Tylenol Gelcaps. “Then [board member] C.C. [Tung] got behind the bar and started making drinks for everyone.”

Before long, University Chancellor Mark Nordenberg reportedly pulled out his Pitt Corporate Card, and asked, “booyah, who’s got access to the tuition increase!?” At which point the Trustees simultaneously began to shout “Vegas! Vegas!”

“Next thing we knew, we were on a charter jet to Sin City,” recalled Hill.

Sparing no expense, the Board used the tuition increase to rent out the entire top-floor of Las Vegas’ MGM Grand Hotel. What followed was three days of “partying like rock-stars” said Hill. “None of us got a wink of sleep. We were 'on fire' the whole time.”

As night fell Friday evening, word was beginning to get around the Las Vegas strip of the bash being thrown by the Trustees. Aside from the Board themselves, the Trustees’ blowout soon included showgirls from the MGM, high-priced call girls, Playboy and Penthouse centerfolds, and, on Saturday night, Hollywood celebrities, who flew out during the day, after word of the party reached Los Angeles.

“Well, we pretty much hit our peak right after Limp [Bizkit] finished their set with ‘Break Stuff’ from our balcony,” remembered a bleary-eyed, hung over Jay Costa, board member since 2001. “I looked over at Shaq and we just went nuts. We trashed the TV, and then fell straight into the one hot-tub. Hey, I was able to pull (model) Cindy [Margolis] in on the way, so, hell!”

Margolis could not be reached for comment.

As the weekend went on, the damage bill went up and funds from the tuition increase went down. Reports of Nordenberg losing 10 million dollars on one spin of the roulette wheel, and an unidentified board member buying a 2003 HumVee and immediately crashing it into the MGM Grand’s fountain could not be confirmed.

Following a weekend that included paying for various chartered jets and helicopters for guests, a hotel bill that reportedly included extensive damages to the fountain and guest rooms, automobile and motorcycle purchases, and an “ass-kicking of a room-service bill,” the Trustees stumbled back home to Pittsburgh early Monday morning. Somehow, an entire $76.54 remained in the balance of the tuition increase. Seeing nothing to lose however, the board opted to use the remainder of the cash for “Subways and Dr. Peppers.”

Disgruntled Asian Tattoo Artist Inks His Revenge

Symbols on the back of a Pitt Student inked by Sakai (inset) were originally meant to say, Pitt junior Brandon Smith wanted a tattoo that proclaimed his manliness, so he decided to get the Chinese characters for "strength" and "honor" on his chest. After 20 minutes under the needle of local tattoo artist Andy Sakai, he emerged with the symbol for "small penis" embedded in his flesh.

"I had it for months before I knew what it really meant," Smith said.

"Then I went jogging through the Carnegie Mellon campus and a group of Asian kids started laughing and calling me 'Shorty.' That's when I knew something was up."

Sakai, an award-winning tattoo artist, was tired of seeing sacred Japanese words, symbols of his heritage, inked on random white people. So he used their blissful ignorance to make an everlasting statement. Any time a customer came to Sakai's home studio wanting Japanese tattooed on them, he modified it into a profane word or phrase.

"All these preppy sorority girls and suburban rich boys think they're so cool 'cause they have a tattoo with Japanese characters. But it doesn't mean shit to them!" Sakai said. "The dumbasses don't even realize that I've written 'slut' or 'pervert' on their skin!"

In the last month, seven people unknowingly received explicit tattoos from the disgruntled artist. Kerri Baker, a Carlow College freshman, paid $50 to have the symbols for "beautiful goddess" etched above her belly button, but when she went into Szechuan Express Asian Noodle Shop sporting a bare midriff, the giggling employees explained to her that the tattoo really said, "Insert General Tso's Chicken Here!"

"I don't even like General Tso's!" Baker sobbed. "I'm a vegetarian!"

Sakai doesn't feel guilty about using hapless college students as canvases for his graffiti.

"I think I'm helping my fellow man by labeling all the stupid people in the world," he explained. "It's not a crime, it's a public service."

Cyril Wecht Examines PiKA "Wounded Soldier"

Pitt Police called in noted Allegheny County Coroner Cyril Wecht last Thursday night after Tim Rizen, 22, discovered a semi-full beer can that day during the fraternity's annual “Bak II School Blazt.”

“We weren't sure what to make of the discarded Natty Ice 12-ounce can,” admitted Pitt Police Chief Timothy Delaney. “We were torn, half of us thought it was a wounded soldier, while the others thought it was a floater. We knew there was only one man who could solve this debate.”

Delaney referred to the nationally renowned coroner who autopsied the bodies of some of the most famous criminal cases of the 20th century: John F. Kennedy Jr., Jon-Benet Ramsey, and Nicole Brown Simpson.

“Normally, I wouldn’t take a case up on the hill, but I knew this was serious,” recalled Wecht.

National statisticians estimate that as many as 19% of all collegiate beer cans are prematurely taken out of commission and discarded as wounded soldiers.

“I simply can’t turn a blind eye anymore,” Wecht explained.

After complex analysis of the beer in question, Wecht confirmed suspicion and declared the beverage to be legally a wounded soldier at 2:11 am. Officials from the coroner’s officer tagged the can and disposed of it under proper city recycling regulations.

“Fuck,” pined PIKA brother Adam Tillits. “I was hoping to finish that, the keg just kicked. I could have sworn it was a floater.”

Local Band Cites Local Bands as Influences
-"No wonder we suck," says lead singer

In a recent interview outside of The Mousetrap in Bavington, PA, local rock band Do Not Enter cited The Clarks, Crisis Car, the Buzz Poets, Seventh House, and Stone Soup as their influences.

“We totally grew up seeing those guys down at Nick’s [Fat City],” said Do Not Enter lead singer Kim Tartoff. “Man, I remember when Stone Soup broke up. I was devastated. And then their lead singer started such a lame-ass solo career.”

“We were all big fans of Seventh House, too,” explained drummer Robbie Shulkoski. “Remember that kick-ass logo?”

“Yeah, so we formed this really cool band,” continued Tartoff. “We wrote some tunes, but mainly started by doing covers of those guys, with an ‘Ah Leah’ or ‘Homestead’ thrown in, just for some extra flavor. We packed a few places at first, but I guess some of the other local bands must have really stepped up their local touring, because we weren’t getting anyone. So one night, when we didn’t have a gig, we went to see the Buzz Poets down at Nick’s. We didn’t have any money, so we saw that show totally sober. Man, they really blew.”

“And what’s with that dude’s faces,” chimed in Shulkoski.

“Yeah, and after seeing The Clarks in June,” added Tartoff, “All I can think is, ‘No wonder we suck.’”

Do Not Enter credits their name to a sign the band’s bus almost hit one night after a “really shitty gig up in New Castle.”

CMU Combines Drama, Robotics Program

In an effort to both challenge students and cut back on the rising costs of running a private university, Carnegie Mellon University (CMU) announced this week that it will combine two of its most well known curricula, Drama and Robotics.

The announcement comes “as the next logical step in the evolution of our university, and of two of our most well-respected course programs here,” said CMU president Jared Cohon. “While our financial situation did weigh heavily on our decision to combine the two programs, it did help to create a fantastically exciting opportunity.”

Cohon hopes CMU will gain recognition world-wide for being the first to take “the natural step of combining the incredibly precise and scientific world of robotics with the heavy emotion and artistry of theatre.”

“We are very excited about the possibilities of our combined drama and robotics programs,” said newly appointed Drama/Robotics faculty chair Janet Washington. “Not only does it provide new opportunities and challenges for our current drama and robotics students, but it offers the University a chance, once again, to be at the forefront of a new and fascinating field.”

“I can’t wait!” exclaimed Herbert Newland, the head designer of one of the program’s thespian robots, Burbage-6, who will portray Hamlet in this fall’s first production of the new Drama / Robotics curricula.

“Well, sure, I’m disappointed,” said Bradley Albertson, who was originally cast to play the title role, “but I’m happy for Burbage-6. It will be interesting to see how this mostly inanimate piece of machinery will be able to handle the depth of one of theatre’s most complex characters ever.” Although all main characters will be played by robots, there are still parts available for “traditional” human actors like Albertson.

“It looks like I’m stuck as Rosencrantz.”