Tuesday, October 08, 2002

Researchers Find That Penn State Really Does Suck

After months of hands-on research, scientists from the Institute for Promiscuity Studies revealed to the nation what Pitt fans have known for years: Penn State sucks. A lot!

Findings indicate that students of The Pennsylvania State University, both male and female, perform fellatio at a staggeringly high rate.

No wonder they call it “Happy Valley.”

“The incidence and frequency of oral sex on this campus is 75% higher than the national average,” head researcher Dr. John Doettler said. “It's jaw-dropping!”

Novelty sex shops in the State College-area report an overwhelming demand for flavored condoms and dental dams. Mark Adams, owner of Kondom Kingdom, says that he can't keep his shelves stocked. “The kids just keep coming, and coming, and coming,” he said.

Scientists conducted their research from the famous Penn State Creamery, a popular campus hangout, where they were able to interview a large number of students at random. “This whole campus is a ‘creamery’ if you know what I mean,” said researcher Mike Brown.

When it comes to identifying the reason for Penn State's collective oral fixation, scientists have a firm grasp on the situation, “There’s absolutely NOTHING else to do in this godforsaken cow town!” Dr. Doettler ejaculated.

Senior Mindy Smith agrees, “On weekends it’s either keg stands or blowjobs. I go for blowjobs ‘cause beer makes me gag … okay, makes me gag more.”

Rodney Erikson, executive vice president and Provost, was shocked by the statistics. “This really blows me away,” he said. “It’s all very hard to swallow.”

As word of Penn State’s reputation trickles out across the country, some Pitt students are changing their views on the university's long-time intra-state rivals.

“P-E-N-N-S-T sucks, dude,” sophomore Sam Moorhead cheered, “I’m totally transferring!”

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