Saturday, November 16, 2002

Pitt Sophomore Crusades for the Rights of Orange Race

Every time Nikki Long fills out a medical form, job application, or student survey, she feels righteous indignation well up inside of her.

In the box labeled “Race,” she sees Black, White, Asian, American Indian ... everything but what she is ... Orange. “I’m sick of pretending to be something that I’m not,” Long said. “I think I speak for thousands of sorority girls, Hooters waitresses, and strippers, when I say, ‘Don’t shortchange the orange!’”

Long’s daily visits to The Fake Bakery in Squirrel Hill have given her skin a bright orange hue. To keep up her carroty complexion, she also uses sunless tanner and maintains a diet high in beta-carotene. “I embrace my orangeness and I think it’s time that Pitt did the same.”

Long started her grassroots campaign, “Orange You Tired of Racism?”, two years ago, but received little attention from University officials. “We needed a high-profile orange mascot to get attention, so we used Ernie from ‘Sesame Street,’” said Tiffany Wood, public relations director for the innovative orange-pride movement. “Unfortunately, the Rainbow Alliance already claimed him so we were forced to use Gossamer, that big, hairy, orange Looney Toons monster-thing.”

When Warner Brothers heard that their obscure character was at the forefront of the crusade for equal orange rights, the company donated $50,000 to the cause. “Gossamer is a positive role model for the orange community and we're happy to see him get the recognition he so rightly deserves,” Warner Brothers CEO Barry Meyer said.

“Money talks,” Long said. “I waved a few G’s under the chancellor’s nose and now my Orange brothers and sisters are finally getting their props!”

The Pitt community now has promised to break ground for a new facility to help all students understand the plight of the Orange Race. The new Bronze Panther Tanning Salon is scheduled to open on August 1st.

Said Chancellor Nordenberg, “This new tanning salon may help me shed my pasty white complexion.”

Pitt, Gays Reach Compromise

For the past six years, the University of Pittsburgh been embroiled in an ongoing controversy surrounding the issue of same-sex benefits.

The issue has again come to the forefront in recent months, as students and faculty continue to stage protests proclaiming their views on and around campus.

Emerging from the turmoil that has raged for months, common ground has been found. Last week, Pitt Trustees and protesters came to a compromise that satiates both parties. Beginning March 1, 2003, Pitt is set to offer same-sex bathrooms for Pitt students, staff, and faculty.

“We couldn't justifiably offer benefits to same-sex partners due to the risk it incurs upon this University,” Pitt spokesman Robert Hill argued. “But late last night, we reached an agreement which both sides agreed to. Same-sex couples may not be able to go to the doctor together, but now while on Pitt’s campus, they will be able to go to the bathroom together.”

Pitt’s Gay and Lesbian group, the Rainbow Alliance, is calling the compromise a “small step towards achieving equality.” Spokesperson Erin Antonio commented, “This is a great day to be gay. Pitt has finally seen our side, and while we haven’t won the war, I believe we’ve won this battle.”

Bisexual Pitt Professor Janet Delstone was “overjoyed" with the announcement: “It’s a relief to know that every time I need to take a shit, my partner will be able to join me. Perhaps she will even be empowered enough to help with the wiping. Pitt’s policy is certainly revolutionary when it comes to same-sex bathrooms.”

However, not all in the Pitt community are as excited as Delstone. Pitt undergrad Mark Winters has offered a stern warning towards any homosexual bathroom users: “Them gays better stick to the Cathedral stalls that have doors.”

Regardless of any opposition, the same-sex bathrooms will be installed this spring, and will officially open with a Chancellor’s prune and coffee reception on April 31.

Fear Factor Shoots CMU Undergrad Episode

The NBC hit reality drama Fear Factor visited the campus of Carnegie Mellon University last week to shoot a special episode using CMU undergraduate students. Traditionally the show uses snakes, scorpions, and heights to put fear into its contestants. However, the show broke from format at CMU to appeal to their unique fears.

“We really wanted to get at the trepidations of CMU students. We knew our usual tricks wouldn’t work so we had to pull out all the stops. I think we dreamed up some great scenarios, which really translates on the face of the students,” Fear Factor host Joe Rogan explained.

NBC insiders said some of the challenges being explored were leaving the CMU males alone in a room full of girls, replacing the computer labs Windows XP operating system with antiquated Windows 3.1, and closing the library two hours earlier than the posted time.

“You should have seen the face of this one contestant when he was trying to load up his JavaScript on the Windows 3.1. I thought he was going to pick up his computer and toss it out the window,” Rogan remembered. “And the line of students huddled outside the library at 3:00 in the morning not knowing where else to go, that was priceless.”

Judging from the ratings on this CMU episode, Fear Factor is planning a University of Pittsburgh episode. Tentative ideas include shutting down Mellinger's for an entire weekend, increasing the price of an Antoon’s pizza, and bringing back Ralph Willard to coach the Panther's basketball team.

Paul O'Neil Sets Up Denny's Urinal Exchange

Based on his observations from his third world visit with Bono and Chris Tucker, Secretary of the Treasury Paul O’Neil has been recruiting local businesses in Pittsburgh to provide unique solutions to third world poverty. His newest venture combines the excesses of a popular Oakland establishment with the under valuation of foreign currency. Denny’s bar on Louisa Street, which collects upwards of $1.73 in discarded change a night in its men’s bathroom urinal, is now stepping up to help out O’Neil’s campaign.

“I’m very proud to announce this partnership with Denny’s Bar,” O’Neil explained. “By investing this urine soaked change in third world nations, we can hopefully inspire other American businesses to find innovative means of assisting impoverished countries.”

The money, which is currently thrown out every night by bartender Curt Wadsworth, will be collected and stored in a sanitizing jar. Once a large enough amount amasses, owner Gene Ney will bring the amount to a local Coin Star system. O’Neil will then disperse the money to the most needy African country.

“It just feels good to help out,” Patron Mike Donaldson explained. “Knowing that if I get drunk enough to throw change in a urinal, I’m providing nutrients to a starving African child. And my mother says I’m drinking my life away. What does she know. What are you doing for third world hungry people, mom? Huh? Answer me that?”

Pittsburgh School Board to Work Out Differences on Springer

Providing an outside the box conflict resolution strategy for coming to terms with a splintered school board, Superintendent John Thompson brought the nine member school board on the Jerry Springer show to resolve the conflict and finally put divisive issues to rest.

"Traditional meetings at the Board of Education office were obviously not working,” Thompson explained. “I really wanted a change of scenery to iron out our differences and get to the root of the problem.”

The November 18 episode which was taped last Thursday proved to be a heated event, insiders reported. “Things got especially impassioned when majority board member Theresa Colaizzi admitted the reason she didn’t vote for the hiring of additional math tutors was because minority member Bill Isler had an affair with her cousin’s lesbian lover.” Conflicts remained primarily verbal throughout most of the show with intense shouting and the occasional profanity. However, one outburst of physical abuse occurred when Board President Jean Fink threw her cup of water on School President John Thompson and exclaimed, “fix that you f----- as-----.” Thompson responded by picking up a chair and reportedly shouting, “Why don’t you f----- throw something else, b----.” Briefly afterwards he gathered his composure and expounded on the necessity of hiring more minority teachers.

TA Only Good for T&A

When sophomore Matt Gartland registered for Russian Fairy Tales, he was sure it would garner him an easy-A. Every week, he diligently attends lectures, recitations and review sessions. Now, mid-way through the semester, Gartland is perilously close to failing. The reason: Claudia Vladislav, his teaching assistant.

“Claudia is so hot! I can’t think of anything else when I’m around her!” Gartland exclaimed. “And with that thick Commie-accent I can’t understand a word she says anyway!”

Vladislav, a Russian-born grad student working on her Master’s degree in Sociology, is seemingly unaware of her sexual stranglehold on male students.

“From early in morning to late in the nighttime, boys come to office eager to learn of Russian Fairy Tale,” Vladislav said. “They bring flowers, chocolate candies, and pretty underwears to express love for material.”

Vladislav says American girls don’t seem as enthusiastic about the course.

Gartland hopes that by the end of the semester he can muster enough courage to ask Vladislav out on a date.

“I’ve got it all planned out,” he said. “During the final exam I’m gonna fill in those little circles in the shape of a heart, write her name in it, hand it to her and say, ‘Are those cosmonaut pants you’re wearing? Cause your ass is outta this world!’”

R. Kelly to Perform Fund Raising Concert for Oakland Middle School

At a press conference on Tuesday, Oakland Middle School director Michelle Lewis proudly announced that R&B singer/songwriter R. Kelly would be performing a benefit concert for the school.

“We’re very excited to have such a huge international star take time out of his busy schedule for our girls,” exclaimed Mr. Lewis. “I hope he’s as excited to spend time with them as they are about spending time with him.”

Lewis went on to explain that Kelly, known for his number one hits “I Believe I Can Fly” and “Bump N’ Grind,” came up with the idea to begin with. “He just looked in the phone book under schools, called up out of the blue, and said he was going to be in Pittsburgh next week. What an amazing man!”

Besides promising to perform some of his hit songs, R. Kelly also has a special surprise for all of the girls. “All of our young ladies will get a chance to go on a private tour of Mr. Kelly’s tour bus after the show, followed by a sleepover at his hotel,” Lewis explained. “We see this as a fantastic opportunity for our girls to dream big! We also understand that R. Kelly will be video taping the entire night for his own private collection of memories!”

“We just want to thank Mr. Kelly for thinking about the children,” concluded Lewis.

Dead Night at Thirsty's

They say that every night is “dead night” at Thirsty’s, and who knows better than bartender Jeff Armstrong.

“I’ve never made more than twenty fuckin’ bucks a night in tips.”

Due to lack of business, Thirsty’s Bar, at the corner of Center Ave. and Craig St., has decided to extend its Dead Night from Wednesdays to every night of the week.

Added Armstrong, “The name fits.”

“Thirsty’s is such a cool bar,” explains regular patron Melissa Walters. “I mean, it’s never crowded and the beer is so cheap, what’s not to love? I could use less Grateful Dead music, but it’s a small price to pay.”

Thirsty’s, whose sister bar Denny’s is one of the trendiest bars in Oakland, is considered to be a cash cow by many.

“I don’t know why that shithole is still open,” commented Pitt senior Sarah Zelar, “it’s not like they even get any business. And that goddam Grateful Dead music all the time.”

“I hear they’ve even got Old German at Denny's now,” said Armstrong. “We still try to entice people with fuckin’ Yuengling Lager.”

How to Stay Warm This Winter

(Click to enlarge.)

Point / Weaker Point: Homosexuality

You'll Never Believe Who's Gay!
By Joe D. Martino

Holy Fucking Shit, have I got a scoop for you all. You'll never believe who I saw walking out of Pegasus last Thursday night. You'll never believe it. Are you ready? Are you? Really? Tommy Steadman. That's right, Tommy Steadman star quarterback for North Allegheny High School is a fudge packer. Can you believe it?

The guys on the team are gonna freak when they hear this one. That little queer might as well just drop out of school. They're gonna tool on his ass. I bet you every day from now till the end of school he gets the crap beaten out of him.

I can't believe that faggot used to watch me change in the locker room. He probably used to think about my dick whenever he beat off. I could have sworn I saw him looking at me one time. I just blew it off at the time, but I should've fucking known better.

God damn homosexuals.

Wait till I tell Coach. Shit is gonna hit the fan. Once Coach gets a hold of him, he's gonna tear him a new asshole. Then Tommy can have two of his little butt-buddies fuck him in the ass at once.

He can forget about his scholarship too. Slippery Rock isn't gonna give some faggot-ass QB a scholarship. His life is fucked. Oh, I can't wait, this is gonna be good.

I'm Gay.
Tommy Steadman

I've been struggling with something for a long time now. It's been really hard to deal with. It's probably the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my life, but I thought I had to do it. So, last Thursday, I did it: I came out of the closet.

I don't think everyone knows yet, but I'm sure in a couple weeks they will. After all, this is high school and you know how gossip spreads around here.

So far I've told the important people in my life. I told my parents first. They were shocked, but real supportive. It's nice to have parents who will love you no matter what.

The next step was the hardest: I had to tell Coach. I was sure Coach would kick me off the team. Not because he's a bad guy or anything, it's just because he's one of those guys who's real macho. You know the type. Surprisingly Coach was real supportive. He said he understood and he didn't think I should leave the team. He even talked to the man who will be my coach next year at Slippery Rock. They straightened everything out and the Slippery Rock coach said he still wanted me to play there.

Because everything went so well with Coach, I decided to tell my friends. I was worried about that one, especially with my friends who were on the football team. But you know what, they had no problem with it either. I was shocked. You hear all of these coming out stories where people's friends and family reject them, and they're so alone. I'm glad I didn't have to go through any of that. I guess I'm just extremely lucky to have such an open-minded and understanding support system around me.

LCB Honors .20 Scholar Athletes

The Pennsylvania state Liquor Control Board honored 37 outstanding athletes who took top honors amongst their peers in Blood Alcohol Content for the 2001-2002 athletic seasons. At a ceremony hosted by Board Chairman, Jonathan H. Newman, the honorees were each given a 1.75 ML handle of Jose Cuervo Especial and a $2,000 scholarship from Anheuser-Bush.

“We are extremely proud of these athletes,” Athletic Director Steve Pederson declared. “Not only do they excel at the top of their respective sports, but they also find time to get smashed beyond all recognition. Not many other Division I programs outside of Florida can say the same thing.”

Every year the Pennsylvania LCB honors one distinguished in-state program which manages to balance athletic excellence with alcoholic prowess. With the 37 athletes at Pitt surpassing the .20 mark, the University of Pittsburgh was chosen as this year's recipient. Pitt narrowly beat out Penn State for the award. Lehigh University, who won the award the previous 13 years was disqualified from the competition after administration forced fraternities to go dry in November.

“Yeah, we drink way more than those Penn State pussies,” swimmer Nate Johnson declared in between shots of Jagermeister “We can pound beers with anyone in the country. P-E-N-N S-T sucks…down less alcohol than we do.”

Pitt Soccer Does Some Stuff

By Fred Talbert

Last Thursday University of Pittsburgh’s men’s soccer team played host to the feisty Eagles from neighboring Robert Morris University. The Eagles and Panthers both kicked the ball around a lot, with probably the Panthers doing more of the kicking than the Eagles. I think Pitt might have scored once or twice. And the Eagles might have scored only once, so I’m assuming Pitt won. I’m not positive, I left kind of early, it was my girlfriend’s birthday.

“Overall the team played pretty well,” Panthers Coach Harold Markson would have said, had I stayed around to interview him. “The season is getting harder with us playing better teams. Now we are going to have to play some powerhouses of soccer like the Temple Owls and the Rutgers Knights, or is it Red Knights, no wait, Scarlet Knights, that’s who they are.”

“Funny how the teams who are good at soccer aren’t so good at football,” Walt Harris would probably think if he paid attention to Pitt soccer, which he probably doesn’t. He's pretty busy with football, you know. Even though a lot of people complain about him, I think Walt is still a good coach. He’s done a pretty good job turning around this program. And although fans aren’t completely satisfied with the team, there is hope for the future.

“Just wait till [Tyler] Palko gets some experience,” Pitt junior soccer midfielder Brandon Hart is probably telling his teammates when they talk about football. “I think this team might be able to make it to a good bowl instead of the Liberty or Tangerine Bowl. Maybe an Orange Bowl sometime in the future?”

Pitt soccer is now 12-16, they play some games on the road before coming home to play some more games sometime soon. I think their schedule might be online somewhere if you follow links from