Friday, August 26, 2016

Six Tips to Help Freshmen Adjust to College Life at Pitt (2016 Edition)

Welcome Freshman! Arrival Survival week is over, and congratulations... You’re about to begin your “adult” life where your biggest hurdle will be ungluing yourself from Pokemon Go for more than 35 seconds to challenge yourself to develop an attention span of a full minute. Wait, did a Pikachu just spawn at the Panther statue? Ahhh, who gives a fuck, you’ve probably already stopped reading by now. But just in case you’re in the 1% category of incoming freshman who can actually read a full paragraph, pat yourself on the back, and dig in for these six tips to help you adjust to college life at Pitt:

1. Impairment Begins With The First Drink

Exactly the reason you need way more than one drink to counteract the effects of impairment. Totally logical.

2. #ThePursuit

Pitt football is pursuing an ACC Championship. Your pursuit? Successfully smuggling a handle of Nikolai Vodka past the Pinkerton security guard stationed at Tower B.  #SquadGoals #EnvisionVictory #BelieveToAchieve

3. Snapchat your Phallus

While everyone loves a good dick pic now and all the time, the Cathedral of Learning is a safe proxy to snap and share your membrane with your besties and worsties. And maybe grandma accidentally...whoops 😱

4. Snark

Your professor is soooo boring, this party is toooo lame, this campus connect won’t stop harassing me, Gene’s Place’s air is now breathable, O fries gives me the runs, $6 pizza is more than my tuition, four quarters of football is an eternity, Neil Diamond never wrote a song about the bad times creating an existential identity crisis. The list is endless. Actually it’s really only six to seven things we collectively bitch about. Learn them, use them, love them.

5. Aging

Think your youthful good looks will last all four years? Think again. The stress of classes, the agony of Panthers athletics take their toll quickly and with more ferocity than you can imagine. Better stock up on usable, unfiltered profile pics while you can. Don’t believe us? Take a look at the before and after pictures of Pitt basketball coach Jamie Dixon when he started here and at a press conference last week. This will be you sooner than you think.  

6. Welcome Home!

It might look like a sanctuary city for hobos, but Oakland is the greatest place you’ll ever live.  Streets filled with whirling rubbish piles, structures with numerous building code violations, style that harkens back to the Caliguiri administration. There’s no rational reason to call this place home, but you will, and you’ll never regret a moment. Unfortunately, you won’t remember much either, but don’t let that stop you - go out there and get that sexually transmitted disease you’ve always dreamed about! 

Wednesday, June 22, 2016