Thursday, April 25, 2002

"O" Fries Cheese is the Fountain of Youth!

- From the SOFL "Tabloid" Edition - A team of crack archaeologists at the University of Pittsburgh have made the biggest discovery of their careers: they found the fountain of youth!

“I've been looking in South America for the famous fountain of youth and El Dorado all my life,” said Pitt Archaeologist Marc Bermann, “I never thought I’d find it in my own backyard!”

“It's true,” says Original Hot Dog Shop (also known as the “O”) regular Angelina Dixon, “The cheese you can get with ‘O’ fries is really a fountain of youth. Look at me, I'm almost 47!”

Melted cheese a fountain of youth? That’s what hundreds of buff young men and nubile young women at the University of Pittsburgh attest.

And guess what? Many noted University of Pittsburgh graduates are also “O” cheese fry regulars too. Some of these include U.S. Representative Mary Hart, motorcycle guru Erik Buell, and even former Miami Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino.

“Look at my youthful figure and agile body, this doesn't come from hours in the gym,” explained Marino, “No, I've had ‘O’ cheese sent to me specially every week for the past 20 years.”

Just think, eternal youth for just $1.27 with an order of famous "O" fries.

“I've been at Pitt for almost seven years,” explains sophomore Jeremy Hanihan, “I get a medium ‘O’ fry with cheese every Saturday, and look at me!”

Not all folks are sold on this cheesy fountain of youth. Many locals are, in fact, quite skeptical of the seemingly magic properties of the faux Cheez-Whiz.

“Kids in college for seven years…It's just unnatural,” says long-time Oakland resident Mary Klutchis. “Why can't these kids leave well-enough alone?”

800 lb. Student Airlifted from Tower C!

- From the SOFL "Tabloid" Edition - Tower C can be a lonely place. Self-proclaimed prophet and fat boy Tobias Krakas knows this only all too well. The 800 lb. Pitt junior was airlifted yesterday from his fourth floor room in Tower C by the UPMC Life Flight helicopter. According to sources unidentified, the young man had not left his dorm room since enrolling in the University in September. In addition, his addiction to a popular video game and four double sausage pizzas a day had caused his weight to balloon to grotesque proportions.

As the young man was being hauled to UPMC, he detailed his unusual semester to Souf Oaklin fo’ Life!!! Krakas claims he was called upon to be a prophet and a moral warrior by Jesus Christ in the checkout line of a popular electronics store. According to Krakas, Jesus visited him at the checkout counter at Best Buy and told him that the balance of life and all human morality hinged upon his ability to finish the Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2 video game. Needless to say, the 21-year-old communications major did not take this holy designation lightly. Jesus also told him that his lazy eye will keep him a virgin for life.

During his supposed religious fervor, the obese man from Jim Thorpe, PA had ballooned from an average video-game-dork weight of 230 lbs. to an impressive 807 lbs. He estimates that he played Tony Hawk an average of 14 hours a day, saving 3-4 hours for eating double sausage pizzas from Pizza Outlet.

Dustin Winchill, the pizza shop employee who delivered most of his pizzas, said today that initially he thought that “he was just a fat guy trying to eat himself to death,” and added that “I might actually respect him now that I know his cause was for our Lord and savior.”

Krakas is expected to recover from his condition, according to his doctor. He is being weaned on personal pan pizzas and Tetris on Game Boy at this time.

Chinese Restaurant Serves Up Sex!

- From the SOFL "Tabloid" Edition -
“We Are Also Have Fun Food You Are Never Ate Before!”

To the average person, the cryptic motto above Szechuan Express Fast Food & Asian Noodle Shop is simply bad grammar, but to former-CIA code-breaker Ernie Melvac, it represents something much more sinister.

“This so-called ‘restaurant’ is just an elaborate cover for an international prostitution ring,” Melvac said. He claims that the slogan is a cleverly disguised code used to signal pimps, prostitutes, and various other sexual deviants to the operation's main headquarters.

“The ‘fun food you are never ate before’ obviously refers to oral sex with exotic whores from the Orient,” Melvac explained. “And ‘Asian Noodle’... Hello? Anyone can see that it's slang for male genitalia!”

To further his theory, Melvac points to some deceptively named dinner specials, including Hol Mein Kok of Beef, Sweet and Sour Ejak Yu Lait, and the Or Jee combo-platter.

While local authorities dismiss the wild charges, Melvac continues his crusade against indecency with “good ol’ fashioned common sense.” “Why do you think everyone adds the words ‘in bed’ to the end of their fortune cookie fortune, huh? Chinese food and kinky sex are synonymous.”

When asked about the restaurant’s un-intelligible catchphrase, proprietor Jim Cheng said only that it was “an ancient Chinese secret.”

Zombie Checks Into Detox After Devouring South Oakland Resident!

- From the SOFL "Tabloid" Edition - Just two days after rising from the dead and feasting on the brains of South Oakland resident Mike Smith, a local reanimated corpse was admitted to a local detoxification program.

According to witnesses, the zombie staggered into Smith's Dawson Street home at approximately 1 a.m. this past Saturday night.

“We was all just chillin’, drinkin’ 40’s when this chick bursts through the door all crusty n’ shit,” Pitt student Mel Harris recounted.

“I was like ‘Whoa! Give this crazy bitch a drink’ cause she looked like she'd been having a rough day.”

The zombie reportedly attacked Smith when he approached it with an open container of malt liquor. After a brief struggle, it cracked open his skull and proceeded to slurp out his brains.

“When she jumped on him, I figured it was his ex-girlfriend getting revenge or somethin’,” Harris said. “So we all laughed cause he was gettin’ beat down by a girl. Then she went all-Jeffery Dahmer on his ass and I split!”

According to the coroner's report, Smith's blood alcohol level was a staggering .50 at the time of his cannibalization; subsequently, the zombie absorbed all the contaminants in his system.

“If she wasn't already dead, his blood would’ve killed her,” Allegheny County Coroner Cyril Wecht said.

The zombie experienced dementia, convulsions, and vomiting before passing out at the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity house.

On Monday morning she checked herself into a local alcohol rehab center.

“I've clawed my way through six feet of dirt, rocks, and crap... hopefully, I can go another 12 steps.”

Bigfoot Enters CMU... as a Drama Student!!

- From the SOFL "Tabloid" Edition - The search for the fabled Bigfoot is over. Unusually, he turned up not in the backwoods of the Pacific Northwest, but in an admissions office in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. A Carnegie Mellon University spokesperson released today that the 8 ft. 375 lb. Bigfoot of Ione, Washington has enrolled in Carnegie Mellon University (CMU) for the upcoming semester. According to the University official, the beast of countless classy Fox television programs plans to enter the illustrious CMU Drama program when classes begin next fall.

When interviewed by reporters yesterday in CMU’s Baker Hall, the animal seemed composed and impressively large, but to the surprise of not a few reporters spoke with a pronounced lisp. During the interview, he professed a desire to express his long-suppressed emotions and follow in the footsteps of acting Tartan-alums Blair Underwood, Judith Light, and Chewbacca.

According to the long sought-after animal, he has been quite a fan of Underwood for some time. “B [a supposed reference to Underwood] is just so fine and chocolatey on the TV. I says to myself Big, you just have to see the epicenter of all that is Blair.”

In recounting how drama plays a role in the life of a primitive hunter and gatherer the beast replied, “I have so many powerful sexy emotions that need to be expressed. I believe CMU is the place to release all those steamy and erect feelings and ejaculate them out into the world just as [Underwood’s] were ejaculated into me.”

It seems that Bigfoot became enamored with the actor after experiencing the now infamous “Whose San Andreas Fault is it Anyway?” L.A. Law episode through the window of a remote cabin in the late 1980’s. It’s no surprise that Bigfoot's infatuation grew, not unlike the American public, to almost unreal proportions. The beast even admitted during the interview yesterday to being a card carrying member of his fan club BUFFF (Blair Underwood's Fervent Female Fans).

After being given a tour of the city by Mayor Tom Murphy yesterday, Bigfoot had a night out on the town filled with shopping at exclusive stores and late-night excesses at the hot Shadyside bistro New York, New York. According to sources close to Pittsburgh Civic Light Opera Director Jacques Monti, who Bigfoot met at New York, New York, Bigfoot has been invited to guest conduct the CLO during a show next season.

I'm Pregnant With the Cathedral's Baby!

- From the SOFL "Tabloid" Edition - That crazy, giant-sized phallus has done it again! First, it took over an entire section of Pittsburgh with its power, and now it has conquered a young girl’s womb!

S.O.F.L. has been able to confirm that Oakland’s very own Cathedral of Learning has exercised its manly muscle and impregnated a local underage girl, who spoke to us on condition of anonymity.

“Whenever I was lost after a night of heavy drinking, I used to look for that glowing, erect structure in the sky. It always lead me home–never astray! Well, one thing lead to another, and one night I somehow found myself passed out on the Cathedral Lawn. And I woke up the next morning and knew!”

Tests confirmed the young woman’s suspicions that, admittedly, have changed her entire life.

“I’m not ashamed of what happened to me–I know it’s a sign,” she said. “At first I thought I was a freak, but now I know I’m part of the Cathedral’s mystical plan for Oakland redevelopment. This baby is going to change everything!”

Some say the child will herald the rebirth of knowledge, while other reports claim that this young woman may not be the only one housing the next generation of campus landmarks.

Teenage Alien Blows the Curve in Calculus

- From the SOFL "Tabloid" Edition - Pitt’s most unconventional of all unconventional students is at it again!

L’Opk Zaron of the planet Xerek, is currently a second semester sophomore at the University of Pittsburgh. Zaron crash-landed to earth 17 years ago as an infant, arriving in the early morning hours in the backyard of local retired millwright George Zawicki’s home on the North Side. Not able to have children of their own, George and his wife Ethel raised young L’Opk as their own, home schooling the distant visitor until his recent enrollment at Pitt.

Sounds like a great story doesn’t it? Well, not to the students in Zaron's Calc 1 class! The problem is, for any alien race to have the ability to travel to earth, they must be extremely intelligent. Well, Zaron has the accumulated knowledge, instinct, and intelligence of his over 3 million-year-old species. This kind of advanced mathematics can make even the most complicated calculus look like basic addition.

“Damn that alien dude!” said Zach Mason, a Calc 1 classmate of Zaron. Mason is currently maintaining a 68% in the Calc 1 class. If Zaron were not factored into the curve, Mason would be at 81%. “Does that mean I’m going to have to take this class next term just because of freaking ‘Alf’ over there? Damn it!” “I only try and do my best like dad always taught me,” says Zaron. “I am blessed in knowledge of earthling mathematics. Hey, you should see me in biology or even anatomy. I’m barely scraping B’s. You don't see me complaining there.”

Zaron’s father agrees. “Yeah, me and Ethel are real proud of our boy,” says Zawicki, “even as a youngster, that kid could do the craziest stuff in his head–our taxes, anything. Hell, he even helped out me and a couple of the guys down at the bar figure out our tab. He’s a good kid there. I give Ethel all the credit for teaching him up so good back when. She’s the book smart one! He’s got his mama’s good sense.”

Missing 4U Found In Bermuda Triangle!

- From the SOFL "Tabloid" Edition -
Former Port Authority bus line the 4U was loved and well known for its promptness and convenience when it traveled from Highland Park to Oakland.

Current University of Pittsburgh student Tim McGuigan noted, “I adore the 4U, it took me from Oakland to my Highland Park house in fifteen minutes flat! I took that route every day for three months. And I loved it! Then one day, poof, it just vanished. I’m half-convinced it never existed at all. I called the PAT service line and they told me, ‘what 4U?’ I don’t know what to think.”

McGuigan and thousands of 4U riders were left stranded ten months ago when the bus line “disappeared.” Port Authority Transit CEO Paul P. Skoutelas issued a statement denying any knowledge or information concerning the bus line's current whereabouts. “We have had no contact with the 4U since last April.”

Recently, however, there has been hope for 4U enthusiasts. A group of Carnegie Mellon University (CMU) students on Spring Break in Bermuda spotted the elusive bus in the vacation paradise.

“I thought I was seeing things, or perhaps I had just smoked too much pot,” said CMU junior Devin Devran. “But anyway, I got out my digital camera and took some snapshots just in case. When I emailed them to my buddy in Wean Hall, he verified my suspicions. It was the 4U after all!”

Devran and his group of sun seekers then were on a mission to find the bus for the rest of their trip. Unfortunately, they had no other 4U sightings. Requests for any information from the Bermuda Transportation authority were declined.

Port Authority Transit investigators are looking into Devran's claims. They are enthusiastic about this new lead although they still remain realistic about chances of the bus line being put back into service.

Pitt Super-Baby Chooses Penn State!

What is this world coming to when a genetically engineered Pitt Super-Baby grows up and elects to go to college at Penn State?!

Well, we’ll all find out next September, when Jimmy Panther (UPMC-0001) begins college as a freshman at Penn State University. Right out of left field, Jimmy’s decision has rocked not only the Pitt community, but also those whose genetic make-up Jimmy was formed from.

Some of you may remember way back in 1983, when scientists at the University of Pittsburgh gathered DNA samples of some of the most well known Pitt figureheads. “We tried to get together anyone who we thought best symbolized the spirit of the University,” said head geneticist Herbert VanDyes. “People like Wesley Posvar, Jackie Sherrill, Johnny Majors, Jonas Salk, and Thomas Starzl. We even got some of Dan Marino’s DNA from one of our intern girls who was dating him at the time.” Adds “Super-Baby” project assistant, and current UPMC chief Jerome Sterling, “I was even able to get a sample from the Panther mascot at the time. I think his name was Kevin or something.” All aspects of Pitt spirit were taken into account. Laughs Sterling, “if having some of the damn mascot in our boy didn’t give him an extra bit of spirit, I don't know what would have.”

Little Jimmy was raised right here in Oakland and even attended Central Catholic High School. But never in a thousand years did those involved in the creation and raising of “Jimmy Panther” ever imagine he’d do the unthinkable by attending Penn State.

“I’ll tell you why,” says Jimmy Panther, “it’s because I grew up hearing nothing but Pitt-this and Pitt-that. A guy can just get sick of that, you know? Even a guy whose entire genetic make-up has been concocted from a DNA soup of some of the greatest Pitt figureheads in the school’s history!”

Yeah, it seems Pitt’s “Little Jimmy” is just fed up of all the Pitt propaganda he's been hearing all his life. It’s not unlike a teenager to want to rebel against his parents. Everyone rebels against their parents, and most people have only two. Jimmy’s got well over 30!

Jimmy Panther plans to major in communications upon his entrance into Penn State. “And another thing,” Jimmy adds, “I'm changing my name to Jimmy Paterno!”

Devil Collects JoePa's Soul After #324

Joe Paterno, head coach of the Penn State Nittany Lions for the last 35 years, made good on his life-long contractual obligation to Satan, Ruler of the Underworld and the famed “Nine Circles of Hell,” last Friday. The agreement, struck on August 28, 1966, Paterno's first day as head coach, called for Paterno to receive two national championships, his own Creamery, a winning record against Pitt football, and to break the collegiate record for most career victories.

“It's never pleasant to give up your soul," Paterno admitted. "But I did what I had to. Who else but the mighty king Satan himself could build a winning national powerhouse on top of a pile of cow dung? And Lavar Arrington, you didn't think he was human did you?”

College Football Analyst Beano Cook is undecided about what the loss of JoePa’s soul means for the future of Penn State football. “On the one hand you have a perennially ranked football team with a winning tradition, on the other you have a date with eternal damnation. It's tough to say which side will be more lucrative to high school kids, especially now that Beaver Stadium just got an expansion. I think Penn State is going to continue to get blue chip recruits, Paterno's soul or not.”

Asked for comment about whether he will continue to support Penn State football after obtaining the soul, Satan, Ruler of the Underworld, commented. “I’ll have to see how things pan out over the next couple of months. I’ve got lucrative soul offers from [Syracuse Head Coach Paul] Pasqualoni and [Miami Head Coach Larry] Coker. I’m not going to rush into anything right now. I just want to take my time, maintain composure, and do what's best for eternal damnation. Sure, working with JoePa has been great, but now it's time to move on and explore my options.”