Tuesday, September 03, 2002

Cyril Wecht Examines PiKA "Wounded Soldier"

Pitt Police called in noted Allegheny County Coroner Cyril Wecht last Thursday night after Tim Rizen, 22, discovered a semi-full beer can that day during the fraternity's annual “Bak II School Blazt.”

“We weren't sure what to make of the discarded Natty Ice 12-ounce can,” admitted Pitt Police Chief Timothy Delaney. “We were torn, half of us thought it was a wounded soldier, while the others thought it was a floater. We knew there was only one man who could solve this debate.”

Delaney referred to the nationally renowned coroner who autopsied the bodies of some of the most famous criminal cases of the 20th century: John F. Kennedy Jr., Jon-Benet Ramsey, and Nicole Brown Simpson.

“Normally, I wouldn’t take a case up on the hill, but I knew this was serious,” recalled Wecht.

National statisticians estimate that as many as 19% of all collegiate beer cans are prematurely taken out of commission and discarded as wounded soldiers.

“I simply can’t turn a blind eye anymore,” Wecht explained.

After complex analysis of the beer in question, Wecht confirmed suspicion and declared the beverage to be legally a wounded soldier at 2:11 am. Officials from the coroner’s officer tagged the can and disposed of it under proper city recycling regulations.

“Fuck,” pined PIKA brother Adam Tillits. “I was hoping to finish that, the keg just kicked. I could have sworn it was a floater.”

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