Sunday, July 06, 2008

Souf Oaklin fo' Life!!! Archives Discovered!

While setting off fireworks inside SOFL headquarters this weekend, we accidentally set fire to our cavernous archives room. But while hurriedly scrambled to pull all the files outside, we discovered some classic articles that haven't seen the light of day in decades!!!

See below for the first two "lost articles" we've posted to the site, and keep an eye out for future ones.

Link: Salk Returns to Pitt to Cure Hangover

Link: "Kamikaze Kid" Gives Up Final Season of Eligibility to Open T-Shirt Stand

"Kamikaze Kid" Gives Up Final Season of Eligibility to Open T-Shirt Stand

This article originally appeared in the April 1977 edition of "Souf Oaklin fo' Life!!!" -

In an emotional press conference held this morning at Pitt Stadium, Panther fan-favorite Charles "Kamikaze Kid" Bonasorte announced his decision to leave the program early, forgoing his final year of athletic eligibility. Next stop: outside vendor. Pitt Stop Outside Vendor, that is!

Bonasorte is a member of the reigning college football champion Pittsburgh Panthers. His teammate, Tony Dorsett won the Heisman Trophy last year and is expected to be selected first overall on May 3rd's NFL entry draft. Other Panthers hoping to be drafted include linebacker Al Romano and tight end Jim Corbett.

Experts were looking to Bonasorte to challenge for a starting position in the defensive backfield in the 1977 season. However, the allure of becoming a mobile, on-campus, tchotchke merchant was too great for the gridster.

“I just want to thank the coaches, my teammates, and the university for all the support they've given me the last 3 years," Bonasorte tearfully began. "But it's always been my dream to sell the Pitt logo on competitively priced, super-durable, heavy-duty, cotton T's. And this is an opportunity my family and I can't pass up."

A natural entrepreneur, Bonasorte opened his first lemonade stand in 1st grade and later managed the “Student Store” through the his years in junior and senior high school. It is there that friends and family say he developed his love for selling high-quality, logoed apparel and souvenirs.

Friends and family report Bonasorte has been agonizing over the decision since the end of the Panther's championship-winning season.

"Every student has the right to support the Panthers by purchasing an inexpensive shirt of passable quality," Bonasorte added, "or at least to let others know the answer to the question, “What did the Penn State grad say to the Pitt grad? Welcome to McDonalds, may I take your order please!'"

And for long term plans?

"I'd like to develop some sort of nickname for Pitt basketball fans. Like the 'Oakland Kennel' or the 'Oakland Game Reserve,' or the 'Oakland Menagerie,' but I'm just not there. I just need to figure it out before some other student does."

Salk Returns to Pitt to Cure Hangover

This article originally appeared in the September 1985 edition of "Souf Oaklin fo' Life!!!" -

Famed University of Pittsburgh Biologist Jonas Salk announced he will return to Pitt to begin work on another vaccine which will have ramifications for college students locally and throughout the world. Starting next week, Salk will direct a team of 10 researchers at the soon to be formed UPMC/Sigma Chi/Pittsburgh Brewing Company Hangover institute.

“It’s time we put an end to this wretched disease afflicting millions daily and billions on most weekend mornings,” Salk announced at a news conference last Thursday alongside Chancellor Posvar. “Why just last night I was visiting with a couple of my old colleagues at Peter’s Pub and wouldn’t you know it, I woke up with a wicked hangover this morning. And as I looked at myself in the mirror I thought, ‘why have I wasted so much of my life working on acute viral infectious diseases when one of America’s biggest health problems is staring me right in the face?’ Well starting tomorrow, my associates and I will put an end to the wretched physiological effects which follow the consumption of large quantities of alcohol.”

In the unique, public-private-fraternity partnership, Salk’s team will have an excess of willing participants to experiment on. Binge drinking Sigma Chi fraternity members will provide the control group for the study while Carnegie Mellon University students will provide the experimental group. With Pittsburgh Brewing Company supplying free kegs to greet the first study participants, hundreds have already begun waiting in line to become involved in the study.

While Salk is optimistic that his talents can be used to quickly find a cure for the common hangover, many in the local media were questioning where the eventual profits for the cure would go. Salk was asked by Post-Gazette columnist Reg Henry who would own the rights to the patent on a future cure. He responded, “Well, that’s an easy one. UPMC will own it. I’ve got a share and I’ll make millions; UPMC [will] probably [make] billions. As a matter of fact, I predict I’ll make UPMC so wealthy that one day they’ll be able to put their name across that new Steel building Downtown.”