Wednesday, December 04, 2002

Scientists, Astronomers Eagerly Await Implosion of Pitt Sports Program

A joint group of Astronomers, Physicists, and other assorted scientists recently held a conference on the campus of the University of Pittsburgh to discuss what they believe to be the upcoming complete implosion of Pitt's sports program.

Led by Dr. Stephen Wells of the University of Pittsburgh’s Department of Physics and Astronomy and co-chaired by long-time sports analyst and Pittsburgh Post-Gazette writer Ed Bouchette, the conference focused on the larger sports programs within the university’s Department of Athletics.

“We mainly looked at the explosive growth of both the Football and especially Men’s Basketball programs,” explained Dr. Wells. “If you look at this chart that we drafted, you can see that if these programs follow along the same route as most typical red giants, they only have a very short time until they collapse completely, imploding in upon themselves.”

Added Bouchette, “I think that the accelerated growth of [Men’s] Basketball is going to trigger a chain reaction, destroying the hard work of [Football Coach Walt] Harris’s slow, successful rebuilding effort, not to mention completely destroying Pitt’s Big East Champion Swimming and Diving Teams, as well as Wrestling. I’m afraid to even speculate what this could do to the long-standing Big East Champion Dance Team.”

Dr. James Stallworth, the scientist who catalogued the collapse of the Temple University Owls’ Men’s Basketball program in 1988-89 (following the stellar 1987-88 season) was the keynote speaker of the conference. “The Panthers parallel the Owls in several ways. First, we see that Temple’s program seemingly grew beyond its natural boundaries when Coach Chaney acquired Mark Macon in 1987, as with Brandin Knight here at Pitt. Second, we have Coach Chaney taking his team to the NCAA Tournament, getting to the Elite 8 in 1988, then garnering Coach of the Year awards in 1987 and 1988. However, Temple fell hard in 1989, winning only 18 of their 30 games and only getting an NIT berth.”

“Finally, and this is where the Big Question still remains, we have here at Pitt somewhat of an anomaly: The [John and Gertrude] Petersen Events Center. What will the ramifications of such a venue be? Will it enable the Men’s Basketball team to overcome the sudden thrust into greatness – something Temple was not able to do? I just don’t know!”

The main conference findings indicated that Pitt’s sports program is indeed on the verge of collapse. “We’re all eager to watch how this implosion develops,” summarized Wells. “We note that it will most likely take the form of a really bad losing season next year for Men’s Basketball – and I mean losing to E.A. Sports All Stars bad. See, it’s already begun. Did you see that football loss to WVU?”

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