Wednesday, December 04, 2002

Local Bars Offering "Suicide Specials" to Capitalize on Seasonal Depression

The sign outside of Denny’s Bar says it all: Santa’s Special: $5 Wild Turkey Fuck-it Buckets! That’s 5 Gallons of Bourbon for only $5!

In an attempt to cash-in on seasonal depression, many South Oakland bars are offering all-you-can-drink specials so patrons can slowly gulp themselves into a state of drunken indifference over the holidays. Recent studies indicate that over 75% of the population suffers from the “winter doldrums,” a sub-clinical level of Seasonal Affective Disorder, brought about by stress, fatigue, over-commercialization, and family togetherness.

“Suicide rates skyrocket around the holidays,” said Mad Mex owner John Fillmore, “and it’s easier to put a shot in your mouth than a shotgun. That’s why we’re offering 25-cent tequila shooters from 10 a.m. to 2 a.m. now through New Year's Eve. Here at Mad Mex our philosophy is ‘when life gives you lemons, break out the tequila!’”

Peter’s Pub, usually a haven for upbeat alcoholic revelry, will hold Unhappy Hour every evening from 5 to 7, featuring dollar Jagermeister pints. It’s burly bouncer Dave Graver’s job to see that patrons are sufficiently suicidal before entering the bar.

“If they look even the slightest bit happy I’ll call them names and give them a wedgie or something,” Graver said.

After Unhappy Hour at Peter’s, gloomy drinkers can head down Oakland Avenue to Fuel and Fuddle, home of J.C.’s 100 Beers Cult. Now through the end of December, customers can try and drink all 100 beers in one day!

“We’re not like most cults,” said manager Rob Goode. “Chugging arsenic-laced Kool-Aid isn’t an obligation of membership. Fuel and Fuddle’s only stipulation is that you drink $500 worth of beer in 24 hours. If Mark Nordenberg can do it … anyone can.”

Bootlegger’s bartender Bob Talbot is hopeful that the holiday blues will generate lots of green.

“I can’t wait for our ‘Pitcher of Bacardi 151 for $1.51’ special!” he said. “I plan on making a killing in tips. No pun intended.”

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