Pitt is raising tuition 3.9%. That’s 3.9% less money you’ll be able to spend on beer, designer headphones, top of the line smart phones, and narcotics. You’re angry, your parents are angry, multinational corporations that want you to spend money on trivial shit you don’t need are angry. But most concerning, your drug dealers are angry. And when your drug dealers get angry, bad things start to happen to people’s limbs. And when limbs start cracking, our undercover investigators start asking questions. And we get answers…FOR YOU! Why does Pitt need 3.9% more this year? Here are a few ways Pitt could use that increased revenue...
1. Turn the Cathedral of Learning into a casino.
The Cathedral of Learning was so 20th Century, the Casino of Learning is the new “it” model. Think Pitt’s plan for a casino in the Cathedral of Learning is sacrilegious? Well consider the odds of a liberal arts major finding employment are about the same as striking it rich at the roulette table and you may reconsider your evaluation. Why put in all that studying and learning when you can let your parents’ life savings ride on spin of the wheel. Imagine the rush. Projected lucky numbers: 1, 3, 13, 25, 33.
2. Increase control of Oakland by 3.9%.
Pitt already owns 97% of Oakland, by purchasing another 3.9% it can control 100.9% of Oakland proper. Math majors might be wondering about the extra 0.9%. Two words, West Oakland. Cartographers have no idea how to label it, and neither do statisticians, hence the 0.9%. It’s basically policymakers’ way of quantifying the theory of "West Oakland."
3. 3.9% larger "O" Fries.
No living human has ever consumed a single serving of even a small O fry, so why the 3.9% increase? If you have to ask that question, then maybe you need to go eat tree bark in North Korea with Kim Jong-un for a while.
4. Pay off some of Jackie Sherrill's old recruits.
No, it wasn’t cheap to land Marino, Hugh Green, Bill Fralic, Rickey Jackson, and company, but 50 wins over 5 years is a pretty impressive ROI. So why are we still on the hook financially for these recruits more than 30 years later? If you have to ask that question, then maybe you need to go eat tree bark in North Korea with Kim Jun-un for a while.
5. Buy India Garden for $1.3 Million.
Chancellor Nordenberg is retiring in August and Pitt needs a gift. What better way to thank him for transforming the University into a nationally renowned academic institution than buying him an over-priced, rat-infested ethnic restaurant in the middle of a crumbling neighborhood. No need to thank Pitt, you’re welcome. P.S. please let the downstairs bar continue to sell alcohol to minors.
6. Finally build a thing that floats.
It’s been almost 40 years and Pitt still hasn’t successfully contributed a thing that floats in the “Anything that Floats,” Regatta contest. Pitt Engineers are close though, and with another year and an extra 3.9% increase in their budget, 2015 might just be our year. What a successful way to begin the Chancellor Gallagher regime at Pitt. Hail to flotation!
7. Rooftop deck on Gene's Place!
Oh, wait, that’s what WE would do with the money. Pitt will probably do something lame like offer more scholarships to disadvantaged students, hire better professors, contribute to the economic stability of Western Pennsylvan-[Fart noise]!