Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Specter: Belichick Hired Zapruder, Implicated in JFK Assassination Plot

Unable to provide tangible evidence that New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick filmed the Pittsburgh Steelers in two AFC championship games, United States Senator Arlen Specter has turned his spygate attention south, to Dallas 1963. Uncovering buried video evidence on the assassination of President John Fitzgerald Kennedy, Specter is now implicating Belichick in hiring private citizen Abraham Zapruder to film both the assassination of the president and a walk through of the conspiracy the day before. The tapes were handed over to Specter by former New England Videographer Matt Walsh who found the tape in Belichick’s personal stockpile lying between tapes labeled “Kansas City 2005” and “Miami 2005-2006.”

“I thought we had an open and shut case after we issued our report in the Warren Commission,” explained Specter. “But two unpredictable events have occurred recently that have made the Commission’s findings virtually impossible. One, Belichick was born. Two, he started paying people to film things – illegal things. The time frame, 44 years. He started small, with the assassination of an American president, and like any criminal got more bold and aggressive as time went on by stealing football signals. Belichick claims that the Super Bowl victories come from one man – a superhuman quarterback if you will, his ‘single gunslinger theory.’ But ladies and gentleman don’t be fooled. These newest tapes show that Mr. Belichick has wreaked havoc on the American people starting in November, 1963 and ending in Super Bowl XXXIX. If there were taped walkthroughs on both occasions, then by definition there is a conspiracy.”

At Wednesday’s press conference, Specter explained that in 1963, the then 11-year-old Belichick had strong military connections in Annapolis, Maryland and enough allowance saved to orchestrate a taping of the assassination. Specter was not immediately clear on how Belichick was involved in the conspiracy, only that the taping proved of his involvement at some level. He continued to answer questions about the role of the Warren Commission’s failure to uncover the conspiracy.

“All right, fine [the Warren Commission was] wrong, there are you happy,” admitted Specter. “We let the murderers of a standing American president walk free, fine, look everyone makes mistakes, there’s not much more we can do about it, so let’s get over it already. So we lost an inspirational leader, we’ll get another one soon I’m sure. That Obama guy seems pretty inspirational. But the Eagles loss in Super Bowl XXXIX, that’s not so easily replaceable. I mean McNabb’s on his last knees and we’re lucky to even make the playoffs these days. That Lombardi trophy would have meant so much to this city, but that Croatian [expletive] had to ruin it for us.”

Contacted for a statement about Specter’s newest accusation, Belichick staged his own press conference where he cleared his throat multiple times, looked shiftily around the room and then declared, “No comment.”

Saturday, February 09, 2008

UPMC Promises Like $60-70 to Help Sigma Chi Party

With previous year profits totaling over $600 million, the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center (UPMC) is making inroads with various community-based organizations to share the wealth from its efficient not-for-profit operations. The most recent benefactor was University of Pittsburgh fraternity Sigma Chi. A UPMC spokesperson announced the pact last Tuesday.

“We’re pleased to announce the Sigma Chi Promise,” announced UPMC spokesman Mark T. Ross. “With this partnership, we’re generously giving the Sig house enough for a half barrel from Mellinger’s Beer Distributor on a date for a party yet to be determined. We’re proud to establish relations with community organizations and happy that we can use our kindness and benevolence to provide a night of unity and togetherness for the brothers and their relations.”

Representatives for Sigma Chi were split about acceptance of the promise. Fraternity President Mike Ravenwood was adamant that the promise was in the best interest of the Sigma Chi household.

“Dude, like why the fuck not?” questioned Ravenwood to his brothers. “This is a free fucking keg. We’ve been dreaming about someone stepping up to buy us a keg for years now. It’s like my pledge master always used to say, never look free beer in the mouth. Well, unless you are doing a keg stand, then it makes sense to, but otherwise you shouldn’t do that shit. What fag would dare to oppose the equivalent of six point nine cases of beer, for FREE?”

While the sexual orientation of Ravenwood’s opponents could not be verified, their opposition was vociferous and steadfast against acceptance of the offer. Treasurer James Pedunkel championed the cause of the opposition.

“While this fag-hag [Ravenwood] makes the offer seem like a no-brainer, I’m wondering what backroom deal was made to bring about this partnership,” countered Pedunkel. “I mean who the fuck gives a free keg away and wants nothing in return? Have you tampons ever thought about what these corporate jerk offs want back? I’m betting they want to come and drink for free so they can hit on the sluts we have coming up here. Nerdy-ass doctors probably can’t get laid in the real world so they probably figure they can come up here and get our sloppy seconds. Well, I say emphatically, fuck no, not on my watch. Let’s charge the standard five bucks for dudes, buy the damn keg ourselves, and not have to whore ourselves out in order to bang them.”

Debate on the issue was momentarily tabled when it was revealed that the secretary was actually looking at an issue of Chubby Harpooners and not keeping minutes like he has been “fucking told to do over and over again.” Deliberations quickly changed when Ravenwood pointed to one of the women in the magazine and asked Pedunkel how much would it take for him to “bang that one.”

UPMC could not be reached for further comment on the offer.

Friday, February 01, 2008

Nordenberg Report to Recommend Consolidation of Pittsburgh, Allegheny, Fayette, Westmoreland, Butler Counties, Pitt, CMU, Carlow, CCAC, Uncle Jimmy’s

In an exclusive investigative report, S.O.F.L. journalists have learned that the much-anticipated report led by University of Pittsburgh Chancellor Mark Nordenberg calls for the merger of Pittsburgh and Allegheny County into one municipality. The so-called “Nordenberg Report” is a yearlong study by a group of researchers to investigate benefits of consolidation of city and county governance. Many Grant Street insiders have speculated for some time the report would lean towards consolidation, however, S.O.F.L. believes that many in city and county government will be ill-prepared to discover the true findings as told to our reporters.

According to this dude we met at the bar last night, who, in the interest of full disclosure was a little tipsy (OK, he was shit canned, but this dude really seemed to know his shit, but anyway, according to this anonymous source), “[Nordenberg and the study group] are totally going to recommend like Pitt takeover everything in a hundred mile radius of the University – including this bar.”

The anonymous source went on to give specifics of the group’s intentions to merge services in surrounding counties, universities, and taverns. Citing three neighboring counties which would consolidate services: Fayette, Westmoreland, and Butler Counties as well as four area universities: Pitt, CMU, Carlow, and CCAC. Oddly enough the source only mentioned South Oakland drinkery Uncle Jimmy’s as the only tavern by name.

The source also revealed the Nordenberg team will encourage the chancellor to assume a viceroy-like position over the conglomerated municipalities. The source quotes Nordenberg as telling the study team, “It is with great reluctance that I agree to this calling, I love Pitt, Pittsburgh and the surrounding counties. I bleed blue, black, and gold, and I will step down from this position once the merging has abated.”

Insiders speculate that Chancellor Nordenberg will acquire power from the democratically elected Mayor Luke Ravenstahl with the help of his middle-aged apprentice, widely speculated to be Allegheny County Executive Dan Onorato. With his apprentice in trouble after a duel with the public over an approved drink and car rental tax, the chancellor will need to resurrect his apprentice’s political career if his plan is to succeed.

Meanwhile, a potential disturbance to the plan and final hope for the dwindling city loyalists lies in the hands of the 27-year-old political neophyte who comes from a rich lineage of public servants. The chancellor is rumored to be threatened by Luke’s presence, but believes his connections with Onorato can bring him on board and the three of them together can rule the region.

The chancellor’s report will be released in March, but in the meantime Onorato is expected to enact Order 66, which calls for the use of Penguin Owner Mario Lemieux to construct a Downtown superstructure which will unite the region and kill any potential resistance.

Nordenberg and Onorato refused comment on the study and refused to be interviewed for this article.