Friday, September 14, 2001

Pitt Screws Oakland

After almost 100 years of flirting and courtship, the University of Pittsburgh has officially screwed Oakland. Sealing the deal is the current erection of the Multi-Purpose Academic Center on Forbes Avenue. Also contributing to the fornication was last year's demolition of Oakland housing to build the Bouquet Garden Apartment Complex.

With the addition, Pitt gained a more attractive campus and bragging rights at national university conventions.

“Yeah, those two blocks in South Oakland between Oakland and Bouquet — I got it,” Chancellor Mark A. Nordenberg boasted last fall at a national chancellor's reception in Washington, DC. “We slammed that block so hard, it didn't know what hit it. We rocked their world.”

The University of Pittsburgh has made Oakland his home since 1908. Since then, his campus has spread from two small buildings that housed both classrooms and administrative space to the current sprawling spread of over 50 buildings.

As the campus grew, Oakland stood by and watched as landmarks from her past were slowly torn down for state-of-the-art dormitories, laboratories, and hospitals. Places frequented were no longer hot spots to visit in the neighborhood. Rather, the University kept touting his reputation as an institution of higher learning and bragging about howmany buildings he had.

As time went on and paranoia and tension escalated, Nordenberg and the University repeatedly assured residents and the Oakland Business Improvement District (OBID) that it would always be there for the community and the people. “Its a tough time for both of us, but if we can make it through this, we can make it through anything.”

“They told us they loved us for who we are,” OBID director Nancy Cudrey sobbed. “They complimented our charm and character and made us feel like the greatest neighborhood in Pittsburgh. They promised they would never hurt us and that we'd marry to create a solid relationship, working in rhythm to create new opportunities together. But once they got what they wanted, the phone calls stopped and the lunches at the University Club disappeared. It was like we never existed at all. I really thought we had a future. And now we have nothing.”

OBID is not alone in falling from the University's graces.

“When Nordenberg said he was going to ‘smack his bitch up’, I thought that maybe he was really going to change the way the University presented itself, ran its business, educated its students. I even thought tuition may decrease as changes rippled throughout the institution,” commented Peter Geist, a lifelong resident of Oakland. "He only meant he was going to violate and destroy all of Oakland's self-image.”

Local business owners are fearing they are next to fall, as Zelda's and CJ Barney's bars were closed in recent years. Area gossips claim that the Original Hot Dog Shop is the next victim to be wooed by the University, located in the same block as the fallen businesses.

“We’re small and looking for someone to take care of us,” reported a local businessperson, who asked to remain nameless for fear or University retaliation. “Opening our heart and opening up our business for Pitt is a sign that we not only expect the University to co-exist with us, but to love us too. We want the University to respect us and encourage its students to patronize our establishments. Oakland business will not lay back unless we feel comfortable with, and loved by, the University. Now, I fear for the stability of my business.” A Carlow College psychologist specializing in human sexual relations agrees, labeling Pitt’s conquering nature as akin to some type of macho competition amongst fraternity members.

“The University needs to keep its phallus, the Cathedral of Learning, in check,” said Carlow psychologist Janet Meyers. “Just as the biological male feels a need to conquer females and reproduce his seeds, Universities also feel compelled to do the same.”

Throughout Pitt’s glorious history, he has been accused of numerous exploitative relationships. He has used and abused numerous businesses, institutions, and even churches. “If you examine the history of the University’s relationships, you will see that they are all one-sided, with the University assuming a domineering role,” Oakland historian Emanuel Harrison commented. “You will see a repeating pattern of abuse and neglect coming right after a very emotionally involved honeymoon period. Just take a look at Forbes Field and the proposed closing of Bigelow Boulevard. It is a vicious, never ending cycle.”

Reports claim that Oakland is currently seeking support and advice from her sensitive, artistically inclined, homosexual neighbor Carnegie Mellon University, during this trying time.

Pitt To Open New Petersen Crackhouse

Plans to build the $48 million Petersen Events Center came to a crashing halt last Friday as federal funding fell through. The promised $38 million from Governor Tom Ridge had to be rerouted to a federal emergency relief fund in order to balance a budget deficit that previously went unnoticed. The Petersen Events Center was set to open in late 2001 or early 2002 and host Panther basketball games and special events. While the 12,000 seat Events Center will not be built, Pitt will still use the remaining $10 million donation from John M. and Gertrude E. Petersen for the opening of new student housing, campus greenery, and the new John M. and Gertrude E. Petersen Crack House.

“The Crack House is the most technologically advanced of its kind. It not only serves as a resource for students to come and get high, but also provides an environment where students can manufacture, promote, distribute, and recover from crack,” Chancellor Mark A. Nordenberg proclaimed at a Tuesday afternoon press conference. “While we are disappointed with the loss of the Events Center, the Crack House is, a momentous achievement for the University and its crack addicts.”

Pitt benefactor John M. Petersen had "no problem" with the design of the new Crack House. “I realize cocaine is not as popular as it was in my day. Crack is a lot cheaper and more accessible. However, it is the role of the University to adapt and develop with the times and not remain stagnant in our drug use. Crack also offers a more accessible high to our poor and minority students, while cocaine has traditionally been used by the more financially secure student. The [Petersen] Crack House is a blessing to this University,” Petersen issued in a statement to the Chancellor.

The Petersen Crack House has eight luxury crack rooms designed for getting high. They are equipped with plush couches, 32-inch Sony Televisions, and wall-to-wall carpeting. Also in the building is 3,000 square feet for product development, 2,000 square feet for market research, four offices for crack outreach, three recovery rooms equipped with IV bags, adrenaline shots, and heart rate monitors, and a Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, and KFC combo restaurant that will accept Dining Dollars.

The “crown jewel” of the Crack House will be the Alumni Reception Center. Pitt Basketball Coach Ben Howland has praised the center as a “recruiting gem.”

“Now players will see that we are interested in their post-Pitt plans. Once players graduate or attempt to enter the NBA draft, and their subsequent professional dreams are crushed, they can come back to the nurturing University environment and get high. Normally these ex-players would be on the street or in run-down crack houses in dangerous environments. Now they can retire in state of the art facilities with such former Panther greats as Mark Blount, Jerry McCullough, Chad Varga, and Jerome Lane. Imagine sitting next to Jerome as he injects a needle into his arm and the glass shatters. I get chills just thinking of the possibilities,” Howland told members of the press.

The architects for the Petersen Crack House are Apostolou Associates of Pittsburgh and Rosser International of Atlanta. The Petersen Crack House is slated to open this spring. Pitt Athletic Director Steve Pederson denied comment on the issue.

Are You Worthy of South Oakland?

(Click to enlarge.)

Autistic Student Late For Wapner
- WIll Only Take 71A (K-Mart Sucks)

It was announced yesterday that Raymond Babbit of Shadyside was late for Court TV's afternoon rerun of “The People's Court” Tuesday. Babbit reportedly refused to take any other 71 PAT bus to his Negley Avenue apartment except the 71A.

“Definitely the 71A,” explained Babbit. “Uh-ohh, Raymond's late for Wapner!”

Babbit is said to be what doctors call an “Autistic Savant.” Souf Oaklin fo' Life!!! was unable to uncover any further information relating to the history of Babbit's condition, knowing only the fact that it leaves him with strict routines which he adamantly adheres to for no apparent logical reason.

“12,256 windows in PPG Place, definitely 12,256 windows,” said Babbit, staring down at a cigarette butt left discarded on the sidewalk. “Ha-ha, mister reporter man made a joke, ha-ha.”

At approximately 2:34 pm, a 71A bus came to the bus stop outside of the Market Square McDonald's. However, at just that same moment, a young lady dropped a box of toothpicks on the sidewalk. Immediately Babbit began counting them, saying, “218 toothpicks. Definitely 218.” When the young lady told Babbit not to worry about it, eyewitnesses say she touched his arm to comfort him. Babbit then began to shout “Ahhhhhhhhh, Ahhhhhhhhhh!” and rock back and forth, thus missing the 71A, not to mention drawing the attention of a moderately sized crowd in the process.

Following the crowd’s dispersal, the visibly disturbed Babbit began to calm down. He then looked at his watch and began to erupt, “Uh-oh! Uh-oh! I'm gonna be late for Wapner! Uh-oh! Definitely 12,256 windows in PPG Place.”

When asked, Babbit told a nearby man that he lived in Shadyside. “See son, you can take this next bus, then,” explained the man, “see, it's a 71C, it'll go to Shadyside.”

“Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Late for Wapner. Only 71A. Only good bus! 71A,” replied Babbit, refusing to get on the 71C.

Babbit waited for the next 71A, which arrived at 3:52 pm. "Uh-oh, definitely gonna miss Wapner!" said Babbit.

It is uncertain whether the bus got Babbit home in time to see the end of People's Court. The number of stops made and passengers aboard the bus was unknown. Follow up attempts by S.O.F.L were ignored.

Point / Weaker Point: Alternative Semesters

Semester At Sea
- By Elaine Lewis, CAS Junior

It took all the courage I had to sign up for the Semester At Sea program. I didn't have a lot of money, I needed to fulfill my Psych requirements, I had never been out of the U.S. before, and I didn't even have a passport. But somehow all these stumbling blocks were removed and I went for three months aboard a traveling ship that went to seven different countries. And now, looking back on it, I can say without a doubt that it was the best experience of my life.

I was extremely nervous before we landed on the shore of our first country of the trip, Cuba. What I found instead was possibly the greatest experience of my life. While shopping in the Havana town center, I met two Cubans, Juan and Elian (and no, it wasn't Elian Gonzales!). I sat and talked with them for five hours (they spoke English fluently). They even bought me shots of rum and lit up a genuine Cuban cigar for me to smoke. And when the bill came they insisted that they pay. I couldn't believe it. Here are these two poor farmers from rural Cuba treating me to drinks. I was blown away by their humility and hospitality. I don't think I will ever forget Juan and Elian as long as I live. I still write letters to them, too. Not as much as I would like, but every now and again.

Those were just two of the people I met. Later I would go on to meet other wonderful people like Najobi from Kenya, Ahamani from Afghanistan, Niko from Japan, Matesh from India, and Samaia from Viet Nam; people who taught me so much about life, kindness, and happiness.

Don’t get me wrong, the trip did have its share of small problems, but looking back, they were nothing compared to the cultures I experienced and the people I met. Semester At Sea was the most amazing experience I've ever had.

Semester Of Semen
- By Angelina Dixon, CAS Sophomore

Oh my God, I had the best experience of my life last semester. It was something completely different from anything I've ever done. Wow, just thinking back on the memories, it was incredible.

It started out easy enough last September. I was a shy girl from Altoona who finally made it to the big city. I was so overwhelmed by everything: the tall buildings, the homeless begging for change, and all the cute boys all around me. I hate to admit it now, but I was a virgin when I first came to Pitt. But all that changed after a party at a fraternity house up on the Hill.

I went up the Hill for the first time during the first week of school with a couple girls on my floor. At first, I was intimidated. I just stood around and watched all my friends shake their booty on the dance floor. Then after about four or five rum and cokes (I don't drink beer, it's gross!) I met up with my friends on the dance floor. No more than two songs after that, this really good-looking guy was dancing with me. I couldn't believe it, here I was, this shy girl from Altoona, at a college party dancing with a college guy! But that was only the beginning. He took me up to his room and the rest is history: we had sex, me for the first time. It was OK as far as I remember, but after that I knew what I wanted. I was going to be changed forever. And I was! I had all kinds of sex, with all kinds of men. It was the best! I've done all kinds of positions too (I never knew there was more than one!): doggie style, missionary, on top, standing up, Lotus Flower, kneeling down, bending over, and a whole bunch of others too. Just between you and me, my favorite is doggie :), ruff, ruff.

It wasn't all pleasure, however. This one time I thought I had gonorrhea. I was so scared, but then, I went to Student Health and they told me it was only a yeast infection (thank God). But looking back now, those last three months were the best of my life. Thanks to every guy (and that one girl, he, he) who made it possible.

Uncle Sam's Markets New Diet

University of Pittsburgh student Gina Weathers has created her own new diet. Impressively, the chain restaurant that made her new diet possible has decided to support her in her endeavors and market the diet for others to share in her success. Weathers claims the diet began when she was pledging sororities, and had her heart set on the Tri-Deltas.

“They are all so beautiful, thin, and always get all those Sigma Chi's,” she said. “When I didn't get in, I was devastated...I knew it was my weight. I weighed 150 pounds and I couldn't even stand to look at myself in the mirror.”

Insistent upon making a change, Weathers started her new diet. She started coming to Uncle Sam's at 210 Oakland Avenue about a year ago and she has gone from a whopping 150 pounds to a slender 75 pounds.

“I still have a long way to go yet.” Weathers said, as she looked at her not-quite-thin-enough figure in Uncle Sam's mirrored walls.

As a result of Weather's success, Uncle Sam's has decided to support her in her endeavors. They even plan on releasing a Pittsburgh-wide marketing campaign featuring Weathers that gets the word out about the diet and also how healthy Uncle Sam's is.

The diet consists of two combo meals that contain two foot-long subs, three bags of chips, and two large orders of fries. If you are a beginner, it is suggested that you start off with at least one foot-long sub of choice, two bags of chips, and one large order of fries.

“The more you work at it, the more you will be able to consume and the better your results will be,” store manager Aaron Timbers said.

After eating (the quicker the better) the dieter goes to the newly installed soundproof restroom, uses a plastic tongue depressor, and regurgitates the meal. Originally patrons had to use their own fingers, but that was deemed unsanitary and in some cases caused minor skin irritation around the finger. By using the Uncle Sam's patented tongue depressor, you can safely discard the meal without any mess or discomfort. The food will be evacuated from your stomach before you can say "Uncle Sam's.”

“I am getting so accustomed to this diet that I don't even need to use the tongue depressor. I just bend over and ....there you go,” Weathers boasted. “If I can't be a Tri-Delt, then maybe I can look like one. I don't know if I will ever get there though with all this fat that I have to lose...just look at these thighs...look at my butt! I can't believe how fat I am. If only I could take some of the fat from around my waist and put it where my breasts should be. I am not giving up though, — if I can do it, anyone can.”

Freshman Checks Out Scene, Tits

Newly arrived-freshman Ben Chapson, is quickly getting adjusted to college life here in Pittsburgh. Chapson spent last Thursday walking around the campus and the surrounding business district.

“I like Pitt so far, it's pretty neat. I stopped in Dave's Music Mine and bought like five or six really cool CD's. I've eaten at The ‘O’ and Uncle Sam's and thought the food was really good in both places, and all the while, I got to check out the ladies. Holy shit, do these chicks have big tits. Not all of them, but a good deal of them. And they aren't afraid to show them either. They all wear these tight ass shirts with their tits pushed way up. I'm definitely gonna like it here,” Chapson commented.

Chapson then speculated on obtaining one of these large breasted women for himself.

“I guess I got to go get in some fraternity or something. Then I could definitely bang a lot of these big titted girls.”

Bob Evans to Sponsor Local Sausage Parties

In an effort to target a younger audience, the Bob Evans Restaurant Franchise has partnered with five Pitt freshmen to promote a series of “Sausage Parties.” These gatherings will be held in Tower A on successive Fridays in the months of September and October. The series is part of a national campaign to promote awareness of the restaurant chain and simultaneously provide college freshmen with a festive atmosphere.

“Bob Evans is pleased to announce this partnership with five very deserving Pitt freshmen,” company spokesman B. Lee Thomas reported. “Traditionally, the freshman male has been deprived of party opportunities without a sufficient fake ID. Now, with the help of the Bob Evans restaurant corporation, the youths can enjoy their first year of college in a suitable fashion. Everyone needs the opportunity to unwind with their fellow male friends and participate in suitable shenanigans.”

The five freshmen will be given two thirty-packs of beer on “Sausage Party Fridays.” However, their contract stipulates that they will not be allowed to entertain any female guests during these parties in their dorm rooms. A breach of the contract will cause a loss of both sponsorship and funds. However, there is no stipulation that forbids the five from the entertainment of other male friends.

“We're very excited to start the parties,” freshman Billy Tucker reported. “I used to drink with my high school soccer team occasionally so I'm very familiar with the ‘sausage party’ concept. It's an arena that I feel both comfortable and secure in. It's a great training ground for when we actually start to party with girls.”

The Bob Evans corporation has partnered with 22 universities nationwide, including Pitt, to sponsor college “Sausage Parties.” They are also planning on sponsoring a national New Year's Eve sausage convention in Des Moines, Iowa for all participating freshman males.

What's That On My Cock?
Mr. Pokey's Guide to Venereal Disease

(Click to enlarge... heh heh.)

Outdoor Guitar Player Still Not Getting Laid

Outdoor guitarist and Neil Young enthusiast Dave Larmaine has spent an estimated 13 hours in various Oakland locations playing his guitar in hopes of obtaining sexual relations. Thus far, Larmaine's efforts have been in vain; however, he remains optimistic about his future fornication prospects.

"I tell you, it's just a matter of time," Larmaine reported. "Girls are just nervous about starting college and don't want to put themselves out just yet. Once they realize they have the freedom from their friends, family, and morals of their hometown, they will be more than willing to get with me as well as a slew of other males."

With a set that includes covers of Uncle Kracker, Radiohead, Dave Matthews, and a rousing rendition of U2's "Beautiful Day," Larmaine has wowed dozens of passersby with his music. His songs have been getting rave reviews and even elicited a "not too bad" comment from CAS junior Allison Hearth. The open guitar case set out by Larmaine has even netted profits of approximately four dollars and seventy-two cents.

"The financial success and social praise are certainly perks, but that's not why I got into music. I got in it for the sexual relations. And if I'm not getting any, then all my efforts have been in vain. Hell, I’d give anything for just some fellatio at this point. I'm remaining optimistic, but still getting a little vexed. We'll see what happens, though. I'm not relying entirely on music. My roommates and I have planned parties at our place and plan to invite freshmen. I'm also planning to attend several Pitt Program Council events geared towards freshmen. Certainly one of those avenues will illicit payoff in the not- too- distant future. I just need to be a little patient at this point," Larmaine conceded.

What's Cookin', Souf Oaklin Gourmet?

(Click to enlarge.)

Saturday Night / Sunday Morning
- Hangover Bad, Last Night Worse

South Oakland resident Jay Keller awoke Sunday morning with “the worst hangover ever.” According to initial reports from Keller, the agonizing headache and vomiting were apparently even worse than the now infamous day-after-Memorial-Day-hangover when Keller drank an entire box of Franzia white wine. “He talks about that hangover like it's the best thing that's ever happened to him,” said housemate Matt Francise, “like it's cool to have a hangover or something.”

Unable to open his eyes, Keller stumbled to the bathroom saying, “ow, oh my head's fuckin' killing me. What the hell happened last night?”Apparently his elevated BAC caused what is commonly termed a “black-out”: an experience over 50% of all people in South Oakland suffer on Saturday evenings engaging in what most parents refer to as "binge drinking.”

Scientists at the University of Pittsburgh and nearby Carnegie Mellon University are currently investigating the correlation between consumption of a “shit-load” of alcohol and the inability to remember “what the fuck happened last night.” At the time of this report no conclusions were available.

Keller's ability to recall events from the preceding evening begins to end at around 10PM. Having already consumed a six-pack of Busch pounders and three shots of Ezra Brooks whiskey by 8PM, Keller neglected to have dinner. A keg of Straub arrived at 9PM. “No hangover my ass,” Keller commented from the bathroom between dry-heaves. Francise reported that over the next three hours he saw Keller consume somewhere between 10 to 15 12-ounce cups of beer.

Amazingly, and unfortunately for Keller, this amount of alcohol was insufficient to render him unconscious. He spent the entire evening hitting on every girl at the party saying “you and me babe, how 'bout it,” (from the Dire Straits song “Romeo and Juliet”). “Man, that was priceless,” said Francise laughing hysterically, “I only wish I had that on video.” He continued to recount how Keller vomited on himself twice, including once in front of a girl that he's wanted for over two years now. “Oh man, that sucks,” Keller lamented from the bathroom.

White Pittsburghers Really Love PNC Park

White fans from Swissvale to Castle Shannon are praising the recently opened PNC Park. These whites have been turning out in record numbers to view the new stadium in its first season of existence.

“The view of Downtown is really spectacular,” white male Bill Shurman of Dormont commented. “You can really just sit there and lose yourself for a couple hours in the game and the serenity. It's great, just really special.”

Not only do the white people love the view, they are also giving rave reviews to the food.

“It's great. I can get anything I want here; from pierogies to kielbasa, it's all here. They even got an Outback Steakhouse and a Primanti's. It's just like going to the mall, only there's baseball too,” white female Sherri Kerlanski declared.

This consumerism has really got the white race excited. Whites are displaying their wealth and good fortune by buying everything from bobble head Pirate dolls to embroidered jerseys of catcher Jason Kendall.

“The selection of stuff I can buy is far better than Three Rivers,” white fan and father of three Louis Delmonto reported. “Once my kids see all the stuff I bought for them, can there be any doubt of my love and affection? I got 'em T-shirts, towels, and foam #1 fingers. PNC Park has everything you could ever want!”

With all its amenities, view, and serenity, Pittsburgh’s new PNC Park is sure to satiate generations and generations of white people for years to come.

Antonio Bryant Suspected in Pen Heist

Pitt standout wide receiver and Biletnikoff award winner Antonio Bryant is under suspicion for the disappearance of a black Bic medium “roundstic grip pen” which was for “in bank use only” at the Schenley Quadrangle branch of PNC bank. Authorities witnessed Bryant using the pen to fill out a deposit slip at approximately 1:28 pm last Tuesday. Shortly thereafter, at 1:31 pm, the pen was reported missing.

“We're not ready to rush to judgment,” Pitt Police Chief Tim Delaney declared. “Yes, the pen turned up missing, and yes Mr. Bryant is one of two suspects. However, any other details cannot be revealed at this time as the investigation is still occurring. We are in the possession of security tapes, and need to review them before any action can be taken. We'll know more in a couple of days.”

Further speculative evidence has also arisen which could possibly indict Bryant as the culprit. Pitt senior Louis Taylor saw Bryant use a pen similar to the one in question moments after Bryant left the bank.

“I was behind Antonio in the bookstore and I was like, ‘Oh my God, you're Antonio Bryant.’ He was like, ‘Yeah.’ Then he used a credit card for his purchase and I saw him sign the bill with a black Bic Grip pen. I thought nothing of it at the time, until I learned about the disappearance of a similar one. I immediately contacted authorities with the information,” Taylor said in an exclusive S.O.F.L. interview.

Antonio Bryant told authorities the pen used at the bookstore was borrowed from “this dude who sits next to me in Western Civ [sic].” Bryant did not know the name or whereabouts of the individual. He only identified him as “white, stocky, and well-dressed.”

Athletic Director Steve Pederson said no disciplinary action has been taken against Bryant, and none will, until the investigation is concluded some time next week.

PNC bank is promising to prosecute to the fullest extent of the law for the missing pen: a $5 fine or 10 minutes in jail. PNC spokesperson Tom O'Brien said the corporation loses hundreds of dollars per year due to missing pens.

“We are tired of being taken advantage of just because we are an institution. We need to set an example with whoever turns out to be responsible,” O'Brien warned.