Wednesday, December 04, 2002

Big East Looking into Fellatio Allegations

A Heinz Field spectator held an impromptu press conference to announce his disapproval of Big East officiating during the November 30th Pitt/West Virginia collegiate football game.

“Hey ref, get off your knees cause you’re blowing the game,” chief spectator Greg Jones, 23, of Aliquippa declared after a holding penalty cost Pitt an apparent touchdown.

Jones’ comment was directed at Big East Field Judge James Donaldson, who called the aforementioned penalty as well as a roughing-the-passer call against Panther Middle Linebacker Gerald Hayes.

Big East authorities are currently investigating the accusations of fellatio against Donaldson and his crew.

“Historically, authority figures take certain liberties over younger and more vulnerable subjects. One need only remember President Clinton and Monica Lewinksy, or more recently the Catholic Priest scandal. That’s why we are taking these allegations very seriously. We do not condone any lewd or improper acts by any of our referees against any player, team, or physical sporting match,” said Big East Commissioner Michael A. Tranghese.

Jones later consoled his officiating frustrations throughout the rest of the contest with the flask of Jim Beam he smuggled into the stadium. By the end of the 3rd quarter, Jones had reportedly forgotten making the allegations against Donaldson.

1 comment:

Matt DiMarco said...

I don't remember playing football! Goddamn Old German! I will get you Herman!