Sunday, December 02, 2001

Pitt to Add White Trash Nationality Room

The University of Pittsburgh is the only educational institution in the country that pays homage to the different cultural groups which make up the diverse Pittsburgh community. The 26 nationality rooms housed in the Cathedral of Learning recognize Indian, African, Irish, Polish, German, Serbian, and many other heritages. This spring, Pitt will begin construction on a new nationality room which honors another unique American heritage, officially titled the University of Pittsburgh White Trash Nationality Room.

The room is the result of the efforts of approximately 24 students who make up the West Virginia Students Association (WVSA). The group has been lobbying the university and the SGB for nationality rights for over six years, and now their hard work and foresight will finally see the light of day.

“This is a great day for the WVSA and all Pitt students,” WVSA spokesperson Billy Ray Tolbert announced yesterday. “For years you Yankees have been laughing at us with your sister-fornicating, cow-screwing, John Deere driving, flannel shirt wearing jokes. Now the Pitt community has finally accepted us as one of their own.”

While white trash students are giving high praise to the proposal, administrators are simultaneously rejoicing the announcement. Pitt professor Adam Tumult explains the new project as epitomizing the philosophy of the origin of the nationality room concept. “For so long, West Virginians have been unfairly prejudged and discriminated against,” Tumult commented. “People treat the white trash of this country as uneducated, unclean, and uncouth. For years I have been ashamed of my own white trash family living in Sandusky, Ohio. Now I proudly claim this culture and lifestyle as my own. While many will cling to their preconceived notions of white trash inferiority, the new classroom will help to change these stereotypes and will welcome future white trash students into Pitt with open arms and discarded cans of beer.”

The new White Trash Nationality Room design will come from the nationally renowned architectual firm of Jones, Lubello, and Smith of Buckhannon, West Virginia—the same trio responsible for the clearance rack design of the Fairmont, West Virginia DEB, the dining room of the Henderson, Kentucky Shoneys, and the award winning shelf design system at Dollar General in Buckhannon, West Virginia. Plans for the nationality room call for old pick-up seats to be used as student chairs, an all dirt floor, a broken down Camaro on cinder blocks, and posters of NASCAR greats Davy Allison, Dale Earnhardt, and Jeff Gordon.

“We really were trying to foster the neo-classical white trash feel,” architect Tommy Bob Jones declared. “We spent hours researching Appalachian history and culture and visited thousands of homes in the West Virginia area. While we want the rooms to highlight the culture and history of the region, we also want to remain true to the modern day neuvo West Virginian design style.”

Busch beer has already become the first official sponsor of the nationality room, and has struck a deal with the university to suspend Pitt's prohibition of alcohol on university grounds. Students with valid IDs will be allowed to consume alcohol in this room only if it is Busch beer in the 16 oz “pounder” format.

The White Trash Nationality room is set to open in April of 2002 with a Chancellor's Busch Beer and Cheeto reception.


Anonymous said...

Funny Article! But WV left Virginia during the Civil War to side with the Union.

Matt DiMarco said...

What shitty South Oakland apartment was that shot in?