Friday, February 27, 2009

CCAC “Professor” Fails to Inspire with Last Lecture

Retiring Community College of Allegheny County “Professor,” Jimbo Adams addressed a lunch table of five students yesterday in the cafeteria of the Thomas Foerster Student Center. Adams is retiring from a four year stint as an instructor in the Court Reporting department. In his swan song goodbye to academia, Adams departed by implanting his knowledge on his former students.

“First, before I bite into my ham sandwich, let me address the elephant at this table,” declared Adams. “By now you’ve heard the rumors more than likely swirling around campus that this will be my final semester of instruction at the old alma mater. Well, let me confirm your speculation. I did go to the student health center last Wednesday, and they did confirm that I have carpal tunnel and recommended I go on short-term disability. After a trying period of deliberation I decided that I needed to heed the student nurse’s advice.”

Though the students he spoke to seemed disinterested in the conversation and more interested in the episode of the Jerry Springer Show playing on a TV in the cafeteria, Adams continued. He explained to the students how even though he had carpal tunnel, he was not going to let the disease stop him. He then took out his cell phone and began to text-message in a flurry of repetitive thumb movements that seemed to have little impact on the rest of the table.

“But gentlemen, I’m not here to talk about the apparent sensations of swelling and burning which accompany my daily wrist movements, I’m not going to talk about the throbbing pain which accompanies an email correspondence. I’m here to talk about my childhood dreams. When I was younger, I had a dream to play for left winger for the Pittsburgh Spirit professional soccer club. But alas the team folded after ’86 and there were no Riverhounds yet to inspire my generation, like there is for yours. We were the unlucky generation, the forgotten generation, as I like to refer to us. Caught in a time-span between two soccer clubs and with little recourse for to indulge our kicking fantasies. So I settled on CCAC, took a stint as a court reporter, and the rest, well gentlemen, let’s say it’s stricken from the record. And gentlemen, let me tell you I never looked back or doubted myself for a minute. And you fine young men have the same opportunity today, but only if you believe…”

One of the students then interjected Adams’ soliloquy and asked if they were finished with the meeting because he was do in thirty minutes at the night shift for his Vector Security job at a Ross Township office complex. The student then inquired if he would still receive the extra 10 bonus points for eating lunch with Adams, if he left before Adams finished eating.

“Let me tell you something, about bonus points,” Adams spoke while not directly answering the question. “One time I took the administrative assistant in our department out to the Greentree Rd. Applebee’s for Administrative Professional’s Day. And people were shocked when I paid for her $6.99 pick ‘n pair lunch combo. But when they asked me how I could afford her lunch on a stenographer’s salary, you know what I told them gentlemen, I told them how could I not. How could I not.”

As the Springer episode wrapped up, the four classmates hastily left the table, while Adams was left to impart one final bit of wisdom.

“Gentleman, wait, have I told you my theory of life according to the TV show Friends. You have to decide if you want to be a Ross or a Joey. Gentlemen, what’s it going to be, Ross or Joey? Think about it. Ross or Joey?”

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Pirates GM Confidently Predicts Return to Playoffs in '94; World Series in '96

This article originally appeared in the November, 1992 edition of "Souf Oaklin fo' Life!!!" -

In an interview with the Sporting News last week Pittsburgh Pirates General Manager, Ted Simmons, has predicted that his team will be back in the playoffs in 1994 and will win the World Series by 1996.

"The '93 season is going to be tough for us with the loss of Bonds and Bonilla from the lineup as well as Doug Drabek," began Simmons, "but I feel that we will quickly rebuild and be back in contention very soon."

The Pirates lost the core of their team after the season with the departures of Barry Bonds, along with his 34 homers, 103 RBIs, and .311 average. Also gone are Bobby Bonilla, Jose Lind, Mike Lavalliere, Cecil Espy, Gary Varsho, Gary Redus, Doug Drabek, and Danny Jackson.

Simmons added that "the Pirates draft choices in June, two of which were acquired from the Mets for Bonilla, will help the Pirates field a winning team. In fact, I feel confident in saying that we will be a playoff team in 1994 and contenders for the World Series by 1996."

Pittsburgh made Jason Kendall their first overall pick and labeled him their franchise player; also selected were Shon Walker, and Danny Clyburn in the June Amateur draft.

"These draftees are the future of our team. Kendall has the potential to hit 300 every season with 25 to 30 homeruns. Walker and Clyburn will provide great defense, solid hitting, and speed on the bases for a long time to come."

Pirates skipper, Jim Leyland, who was in the clubhouse enjoying a cigarette with pitcher Bob Walk, declined to comment on Simmons' prediction but did state that he will remain a part of the Pirates organization through their rebuilding process and is looking forward to working with their new talented players.