Wednesday, December 04, 2002

Mayor Murphy Now Working on "Plan U"

Mayor Tom Murphy has been dedicated towards Downtown re-development ever since he offered up his initial plan for golden triangle improvements in 1997. Since an aging Allegheny County population rejected that proposal, Murphy has offered subsequent Plan B-T’s, which have likewise been refused.

Now Murphy is heading back to the drawing board and has come up with a plan which he believes is sure to please both city dwellers and Allegheny County voters.

Murphy’s Plan U is a four tiered plan which he believes will “significantly enhance” quality of life for both visitors and residents of Downtown Pittsburgh. Murphy’s Plan U calls for a ten thousand dollar enticement to:
(1) bring a brand new Dollar General store to the former site of the Fifth Avenue five-and-dime
(2) Lazarus to change and replace a burned out street light in front of its side door
(3) removal of all BL4CK H4M posters from downtown dumpsters, and for (4) all downtown convenience stores to carry Rap Snacks.

“I believe I have finally found the magic formula which will draw suburbanites Downtown,” Murphy declared. “By bringing light, both metaphorically, and in actuality, with the new Lazarus light bulb, by removing unwanted blight, and offering potential for dollar bargains and hip inner city snacks, we have uncovered a winning combination for urban improvement.”

Murphy’s intuitions were backed up by Pitt sophomore John Washington who supported the plan. “Shit yeah, I’d go Downtown if they had Rap Snacks. Those Juvenile ‘Barbequein’ with my Honey’ chips are bomb.”

However, not all Pittsburgh residents are as enthusiastic as Washington. City Council President Bob O’Connor has vowed to fight Murphy’s proposal with filibusters if necessary. He is apparently unhappy with the mayor’s backing of Rap Snacks. “Everyone knows Troyer Farm chips are the way to go,” said an upset O’Connor. “They’re light, airy, and fluffy. They are plain and simply a superior snack food.”

Murphy’s proposal is pending city and county council approval, and, if approved, will be enacted starting in Fall 2003.

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