Monday, March 24, 2008

Tomlin, Colbert Looking to Sure up Punting, Tight End Positions in Upcoming Draft

The NFL scouting combine in Indianapolis brought out the most talented crop of college prospects looking to move up in April’s draft. With such an assemblage of potential talent, teams thoughtfully measured future prospects to find players who will fulfill current and future roster needs.

While the Steelers have usually been coy about draft intentions, Director of Football Operations Kevin Colbert and Head Coach Mike Tomlin surprised many in the local media when they tipped their hands and admitted their infatuation with two prospects.

“We really like [Georgia Tech Punter Durant] Brooks and [Missouri Tight End Martin] Rucker, and we’ll spare almost no expense to acquire both of these outstanding individuals. Well, hopefully we’ll save a lot of expense if we make these two part of our early picks, after all, punters and tight ends are like bus boys, how much do you really need to pay them out at the end of the night? But the point is, we like these guys. And we hope to improve these two positions in the upcoming draft,” reported Colbert from Indianapolis last week.

While Colbert’s enthusiasm was echoed by Tomlin, many fans and local media are questioning the intentions of a front office that appears to be loading positions seemingly well stocked when there are glaring holes in the offensive line expected to grow worse as Guard Alan Faneca and Tackles Max Starks and Trai Essex are all unrestricted free agents.

Colbert deflected the criticism.

“Look at what [Punter] Daniel Sepulveda and [Tight End Matt] Spaeth did for us last year. Both had immediate impacts and made excellent contributions to the team. If we can find two more players like that this year, we’ll have four contributors on the team at important positions. And heck, who knows where the possibilities end. Why not experiment with a five tight end front line and a two punter back field? That way teams won’t know if you’re punting or passing on any given down. I think most Pittsburghers remember the success Pitt had a couple years back with the use of the quick kicks, why not replicate that in the NFL?”

And with our shitty line, Lord knows we’ll need it next year,” mumbled Colbert under his breath.

When asked to repeat what he just said by Steelers beat reporter Ed Bouchette, Colbert replied, “oh nothing, I was talking to Mike. I asked him with closing time here, who needs another beer?”

Notes -- The Steelers pick 23rd in the first round of April’s draft…When asked why the Steelers changed philosophy in announcing the players they intend to draft Colbert replied “like anyone else is desperate enough to draft a punter or tight end in the first two rounds, puh-leaze.”…The Steelers announced former Stanford Coach Walt Harris had been hired in a newly created capacity of “third down consultant” for the upcoming season.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Ravenstahl’s Snowmen in the Hood Project to Lessen Neighborhood Inequity

Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl recently toured the city to gauge the effectiveness of the city’s public works department in clearing winter weather from city streets. What he found on his journey disturbed him more than any untreated throughway.

“After about ten minutes in the car, I was thoroughly bored with assessing the driving conditions,” recalled Ravenstahl. “So I asked [Public Works Director] Guy [Costa] if he wanted to play “I spy snowmen.” That’s the game where the first person to spy a snowman gets to punch the other person three times in a row, hard. Well Guy wouldn’t shut up about the route the salt trucks take, and how they prioritize main arteries, and blah, blah, blah. So I was totally wailing on him good and he only got like one punch on me the whole trip. But as we were traveling I was struck by the difference in snowmen depending on which neighborhood we were in. They were awesome in Shadyside and Squirrel Hill, but totally sucked in South Oakland and the Hill District. So I got to thinking about those kids and how tough it must be living in the hood and stuff.”

From this revelation, Ravenstahl has proposed a new city wide initiative called “Snowmen in the Hood.” The proposal utilizes a $10,000 Sprout Fund grant to teach snow making artistry to inner city youths.

Sure it’s a lot of money, but heck, who can put a price on the effect a quality snowman has on a neighborhood,” explained Ravenstahl.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Point/Weaker Point: Ice

Point: Ice is a killer.

By Miss Millie Stevens

I really hate the ice. It was an icy road that took my late husband Norman from me in 2003.

Growing up in Atlanta, Georgia, we never, and I mean NEVER, had no ice never. I heard once that there was a bit of snow fallen at Hampton when mamma was a school girl there, but that’s way up in Virginia. Norman now, he grew up in Detroit and never minded the ice. But this city gets it some ICE!

Ice made me slip and break my hip last winter. Ice kept me homebound for a week in January. Ice froze my pipes two years ago February.

I hate the ice!

Weaker Point: Ice is killa!

By L’antonio Stevens

Yo, check it. Ice dawg. In ma grill. On my hand. In my ers. On this hir necklace. Yup I sayd IN MY MUFUCKIN TEEF dawg. Shit.

In my Cristal. Yup yup I FUCKIN DRINK AT SHEEET.

Oh, you gots PLATINUM grill, huh? I fuckin gots ICE. I PAYED fo at shit hir. YOU? Fuckin suckin cock fo pennies and shit. THERE’S yo platinum shit.

Oh, now you mad cause yo girl wanna eat my dick? Fuck dat bitch, yo! You don’t know shit about shit, muthafucka.


Like fuckin Blood Diamond shit. Up ma ass if uh needa.



Monday, March 03, 2008

PCNC To Air Myron Cope's Yoi Bachelor

In tribute of the great Myron Cope, we proudly re-run this classic article from 2003.

Influenced by the success of ABC’s The Bachelor, PCNC is hoping to capture a more regionalized demographic with its own version of the show this fall. Starring long-time Pittsburgh Steelers radio broadcaster Myron Cope, PCNC’s Yoi Bachelor will see the local celebrity choose between 25 eligible senior bachelorettes and widows.

“Pittsburgh loves Myron, and we’re hoping Pittsburghers will love to watch him date 25 very sexy seniors,” said PCNC spokesperson William Nagle. “We came up with some great dating scenarios which we think Myron will really enjoy. I’m especially looking forward to the episode when Myron takes one very lucky lady to the clean Original Hot Dog Shop in Plum Boro.”

Cope will initially meet the 25 contestants at Penn Brewery’s “Octoberfest” in September 2003. From there, he will eliminate five of the twenty-five. Subsequent weeks will have various social events which will eliminate the competition to one lucky winner. The winner will be chosen live by Cope at the opening day festivities of PNC Park 2004, and will also get to throw out the first pitch.

“I can’t wait to meet these beautiful ladies, hmmm haah,” said Cope. “I might take a few of them out for a toddy or two. Ummm, ahh, I’m also sure to bring one of them, you know, ya, yoi, lovely females to Subway, where we can get a horseradish melt six-inch if the Steelers score on the first drive of the third quarter. ‘Subway. Eat fresh.’”

PCNC insiders have already leaked that one of the bachelorettes will be former Pittsburgh Mayor Sophie Masloff.

This is the boldest programming move since 2001’s Frat Brother, which raised PCNC viewership by 2%. “We’re confident we have a hit on our hands,” said Nagle.

Transportation for all of Cope’s dates will be provided by All-Star Limousine of Greentree, as the Pennsylvania State Police Department has forbidden PCNC to allow Cope to drive on any of the dates.