Sunday, August 17, 2014

Six Tips to Help Freshmen Adjust to College Life at Pitt

Welcome Freshman! And congratulations... you’re about to begin your “adult” life where your biggest hurdle will be ungluing yourself from Snapchat for more than 35 seconds to challenge yourself to develop an attention span of a full minute. Wait, did your phone just ding? Ahhh, who gives a fuck, you’ve probably already stopped reading by now. But just in case you’re in the 1% category of incoming freshman who can actually read a full paragraph, pat yourself on the back, and dig in for these six tips to help you adjust to college life at Pitt:

1. *SMALL* "O" Fries

We know, that cardboard tray labeled "Small" doesn't look too big. But don’t try and be a hero by going large on your first O order. It’ll take years of liver destruction and illicit substance abuse to even attempt to conquer a medium O fry in a single sitting. Large fries? That’s for grad school students and rehab patients. Don’t worry, you’ll probably be in the latter cohort, make us proud!

2. Look left for busses.

Yes, there should be an app for that, but there ain't. It's the hard reality of life in Oakland. It's straight up concrete warfare with them mother fuckers from Port Authority. Snitches get stickers, and students who don't look both ways before crossing the street often get traumatic injuries ranging from benign medical conditions to a post-mortem for the main cause of the cessation of oxygen intake.

3. Penn State sucks.

Some might want to censor this statement and feel it doesn't represent the fine spirit of collegial sportsmanship. Some may even dismiss the rivalry's relevance as a nostalgic throwback fad from the late 70s or early 80s, akin to a package of Pop-Rocks or a Rubik's Cube. But those people won't be ready for 2016. Learn early, learn often: P-E-N-N-S-T SUCKS!

4. Todd Graham is an asshole.

Usually the MLA and Chicago Manual of Style would encourage us to cite our sources and rationale for making what seems on the surface like an opinion statement. What these academic types don't understand is that this claim is an ipso facto, a priori statement of tautological truth. And that kinda shit you can't sweep up under no rug, ya know?

5. Be prepared for Scottish nationals, living in Ireland, making bomb threats to Towers at 4 in the morning.

What can we say? Shit happens.

6. If you pay more than $5 for pizza, you are losing at life.

Get in line at Antoon's tonight.

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