Saturday, November 16, 2002

Paul O'Neil Sets Up Denny's Urinal Exchange

Based on his observations from his third world visit with Bono and Chris Tucker, Secretary of the Treasury Paul O’Neil has been recruiting local businesses in Pittsburgh to provide unique solutions to third world poverty. His newest venture combines the excesses of a popular Oakland establishment with the under valuation of foreign currency. Denny’s bar on Louisa Street, which collects upwards of $1.73 in discarded change a night in its men’s bathroom urinal, is now stepping up to help out O’Neil’s campaign.

“I’m very proud to announce this partnership with Denny’s Bar,” O’Neil explained. “By investing this urine soaked change in third world nations, we can hopefully inspire other American businesses to find innovative means of assisting impoverished countries.”

The money, which is currently thrown out every night by bartender Curt Wadsworth, will be collected and stored in a sanitizing jar. Once a large enough amount amasses, owner Gene Ney will bring the amount to a local Coin Star system. O’Neil will then disperse the money to the most needy African country.

“It just feels good to help out,” Patron Mike Donaldson explained. “Knowing that if I get drunk enough to throw change in a urinal, I’m providing nutrients to a starving African child. And my mother says I’m drinking my life away. What does she know. What are you doing for third world hungry people, mom? Huh? Answer me that?”

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