Sunday, December 02, 2001

Pitt to Add White Trash Nationality Room

The University of Pittsburgh is the only educational institution in the country that pays homage to the different cultural groups which make up the diverse Pittsburgh community. The 26 nationality rooms housed in the Cathedral of Learning recognize Indian, African, Irish, Polish, German, Serbian, and many other heritages. This spring, Pitt will begin construction on a new nationality room which honors another unique American heritage, officially titled the University of Pittsburgh White Trash Nationality Room.

The room is the result of the efforts of approximately 24 students who make up the West Virginia Students Association (WVSA). The group has been lobbying the university and the SGB for nationality rights for over six years, and now their hard work and foresight will finally see the light of day.

“This is a great day for the WVSA and all Pitt students,” WVSA spokesperson Billy Ray Tolbert announced yesterday. “For years you Yankees have been laughing at us with your sister-fornicating, cow-screwing, John Deere driving, flannel shirt wearing jokes. Now the Pitt community has finally accepted us as one of their own.”

While white trash students are giving high praise to the proposal, administrators are simultaneously rejoicing the announcement. Pitt professor Adam Tumult explains the new project as epitomizing the philosophy of the origin of the nationality room concept. “For so long, West Virginians have been unfairly prejudged and discriminated against,” Tumult commented. “People treat the white trash of this country as uneducated, unclean, and uncouth. For years I have been ashamed of my own white trash family living in Sandusky, Ohio. Now I proudly claim this culture and lifestyle as my own. While many will cling to their preconceived notions of white trash inferiority, the new classroom will help to change these stereotypes and will welcome future white trash students into Pitt with open arms and discarded cans of beer.”

The new White Trash Nationality Room design will come from the nationally renowned architectual firm of Jones, Lubello, and Smith of Buckhannon, West Virginia—the same trio responsible for the clearance rack design of the Fairmont, West Virginia DEB, the dining room of the Henderson, Kentucky Shoneys, and the award winning shelf design system at Dollar General in Buckhannon, West Virginia. Plans for the nationality room call for old pick-up seats to be used as student chairs, an all dirt floor, a broken down Camaro on cinder blocks, and posters of NASCAR greats Davy Allison, Dale Earnhardt, and Jeff Gordon.

“We really were trying to foster the neo-classical white trash feel,” architect Tommy Bob Jones declared. “We spent hours researching Appalachian history and culture and visited thousands of homes in the West Virginia area. While we want the rooms to highlight the culture and history of the region, we also want to remain true to the modern day neuvo West Virginian design style.”

Busch beer has already become the first official sponsor of the nationality room, and has struck a deal with the university to suspend Pitt's prohibition of alcohol on university grounds. Students with valid IDs will be allowed to consume alcohol in this room only if it is Busch beer in the 16 oz “pounder” format.

The White Trash Nationality room is set to open in April of 2002 with a Chancellor's Busch Beer and Cheeto reception.

UPMC to Take Over ER;
- Wylie Out, Fu In

The University of Pittsburgh Medical Center (UPMC) announced yesterday that it had acquired the rights to the NBC Thursday night smash hit ER, marking the first time an organization has taken over a television drama. “With this purchase, UPMC has taken giant leaps toward expanding its functions and diversifying itself as an institution,” said UPMC spokesperson Arthur Person. “The collective staff and board of UPMC has long been a fan of the televised medical drama genre and now we are proud to be a part of the field. We, however, are not satisfied to be just another player in the domain. UPMC is looking to be at the forefront of the medical drama by developing riveting and heart-wrenching plots.”

Person spoke further about the logistics of supporting a fully functioning world class hospital, and maintaining the high ratings of the television drama. “We believe the two fields to be mutually beneficial. Television has had a long tradition of dramatizing what is commonplace. Thus, we can take our everyday life here at UPMC and tweak it to make it entertaining for millions of Americans. We expect the show's writers and producers to take story ideas and plot lines from real-life events. At the same time, our doctors, nurses, and administrators can be influenced by the show to develop love triangles, personality conflicts, and power struggles in their own personal lives. We believe this will be a win-win proposition.”

While the hospital administration is content with the transition, there is the likely possibility of personnel changes which usually follow a corporate acquisition.

“Many ER actors are worried about being replaced by real doctors,” Entertainment insider Joan Rivers explained. “I have already heard rumors floating around that current star Noah Wylie is going to be replaced by the sports-medicine expert Freddie Fu. This has sent shockwaves to the other cast members who are wondering if they could be next.”

Likewise, many hospital employees fear for their own stability in light of the recent transition.

“Everyone knows those Hollywood big shots only hire highly attractive actors and actresses, so it's only natural to assume that the less attractive hospital staff without quirky personalities will be the next to go,” worried a hospital employee who wished to remain anonymous. “It'll only be a matter of time before they start hiring former Miss America pageant contestants and former playmate bunnies to work in hospital staffing positions. ‘Choose a hospital as if your life depended on it,’ it'll be more like ‘choose a hospital as if the size of their tits depended on it.’”

Another hospital employee, who also wished to remain anonymous, was equally as concerned. “With the recent trend towards reality-based television who knows what kind of spin-offs and projects will develop using UPMC as a base. It'll be nearly impossible to wheel patients around with all those cameras and equipment in the hallways. I'm thinking about transferring to Mercy.”

Regardless of any opposition, UPMC will officially take over ER on January 2, 2002. No other details were given about other television prospects for the hospital.

Old German Inducted Into Mellinger's Wall of Beer

In a simple, barely noticed ceremony last Thursday afternoon, Pasquale “Patsy” Bellisario, owner of Mellinger's Beer Distributor, quietly inducted Old German Beer into the now famous Mellinger's Wall of Beer.

The Wall of Beer features full bottles of various imports, Belgian beers, and micro brews and spans the length of the establishment. “We're very proud of the Wall of Beer. It really showcases all of the great choices we offer our customers. Adding the world’s finest beer was the least we could do to honor such an outstanding brew,” said Bellisario, referencing the Old German motto “the world knows no finer.”

Pittsburgh historian John Morgan explained that Old German Beer, now brewed by Pittsburgh Brewing Company, was first brewed by the Old German Brewing Company of Cumberland, MD. After World War II, the company became the Queen City Brewing Company, but ended up selling the rights to Old German Beer. Pittsburgh Brewing Company acquired it in the 1970's and brought back one of the most distinguished beers of the early part of the century. “Many domestic beer connoisseurs and poor college students attest to its superb taste and affordability,” said Morgan, “Thank God I can get it in Oakland now; I'm tired of driving out to McKees Rocks for a case.”

Added Bellisario, “Well, I think it's alright, shitty beer-wise that is, but it ain't exactly the taste that my usual micro-brew fans will like. It's more there for the [over 21] kids.”

When asked if he thinks that Old German, new to the Oakland market, would sell as well as his $11 Pabst Blue Ribbon College Special, Bellaiario popped a can of Miller High Life and said, “Yeah. It's really cheap. The kids will love this one.”

Mellinger's Beer Distributor sells Old German for $7.99 for a case of cans, $11.99 for 16 ounce returnable glass bottles.

Pitt Student Still Hasn't Mastered Local 412 Dialing

James Filate, 24, has reportedly not been able to master local calling since Verizon made it necessary to dial the 412 area code before all local calls. Reports coming out of his 319 South Bouquet Street home cite frustration, foul language, and physical apartmental abuse since Verizon made the necessary change last July.

“It's been hard to watch,” roommate Michael Levers reported. “You want to dial for him, but that’s just not an option. Every man has to learn to dial for himself. Unfortunately for Jim, it's just taken a little bit longer than your average man.”

Filate explains his difficulty stems from his restricted use of the phone.

“Dude, who do I ever call?” Filate questioned his roommate. “You're on with your god-damn girlfriend all the time and I'm always studying. I don't even have time to use the phone. So it's not like I get the practice everyone else does. Leave me alone.”

Verizon customer service operators report Filate's case to be “an extreme rarity,” especially three months after the change was made.

“I haven't heard any complaints about the new area code since July,” Verizon customer service operator Anita Barkowitz reported. “And everyone I've talked to about [the new area code] change has gotten it down. This is the first documented case of frustration our office has seen since I took this job in September. I guess we could send a service technician to Filate's house if he requested one. Also, in addition to my answer to your query, my job today has been to give you outstanding customer service. Have I done that for you today, sir?”

Conservative roommate estimates place Filate's mastery of the 412 area code dialing to occur somewhere in April or May. However, skeptics argue Filate will "never f#cking get a clue."

We are pleased to report that Verizon did meet S.O.F.L. customer service expectations.

PiKA to Offer EZ-Passed Out Service

University of Pittsburgh fraternity Pi Kappa Alpha (PiKA) is attempting to follow national trends by instituting a new way to handle its passed-out party guests. The fraternity is currently in the midst of negotiations to install EZ-Passed-Out service, which would allow heavily intoxicated party goers to bypass the traditional long lines for available bed space in fraternity housing.

“This is great,” said Pitt freshman and PiKA pledge Joey Cruckle. “I get so bombed up at the house and my only option is to pass out on the floor. Besides being uncomfortable, I get fucked with all the time. The brothers take it upon themselves to put shaving cream all over my body and write things like ‘cock snorter’ on my face. EZ-Passed-Out will allow me the option to get around that hassle. I can't wait.”

The EZ-Passed-Out service is the brainchild of the National Inter-Fraternity Council (IFC), which is always looking for ways to strengthen fraternities' public image. It was developed in response to several hazing incidents in the Northeast which put several pledges in the hospital. The EZ-Passed-out option has been effective in reducing harmful incidents by 38%. Universities across the country have adopted the program to combat the darkened image of fraternal organizations.

“We here [at the University of Pittsburgh] applaud the efforts of the IFC to ensure the safety of fraternity members,” Pitt spokesman Robert Hill reported. “Traditionally, fraternities have had a less than positive image. With this service, [fraternities] are moving towards a more responsible and workable course of action, one which will be better tolerated here at the University of Pittsburgh.”

The EZ-Passed-Out program calls for the university fraternities to designate ten beds in the house as "safe zones," which will be inaccessible to the other party goers. EZ-Passed-Out participants must purchase an ID card from the IFC for a nominal lifetime fee of $20. Once activated, the card will allow the EZ-Passed-Out participants to swipe their IDs to enter the safe zone if they are in danger of passing out. Safe zones will then be staffed by two work-study nursing students and will be equipped with vomit buckets, loaves of bread, and showers that only dispense cold water. They will also contain an emergency call button which will alert the work-study nurses of any problems. EZ-Passed-Out will be installed in the PiKA house at the end of January and will be in use by March 1, 2002. The University of Pittsburgh is hoping other fraternities will follow suit.

PCNC Unveils New "Hip" Spring Lineup:
Frat Brother to Headline

Abandoning its traditional news-only format, Pittsburgh Cable News Channel, PCNC, released its new spring lineup today. PCNC Spokesman William Nagle explained the unprecedented move to the six astonished reporters in attendance. “While keeping Pittsburghers informed of local news and current events is still our number one goal, now we'll be able to reach a demographic we never dreamed possible.”

The headliner of the lineup is Frat Brother, a spin on CBS's Big Brother and Big Brother 2, which features several strangers locked in a house together and being “real.” Said Nagle, “We've taken reality-based television up a notch,” while pointing to the “beer pong” table and empty beer can used to symbolize the new show. “We’re placing ten random non-fraternity-affiliated South Oakland residents into one of Pitt's fraternity houses for six weeks. They’ll have nothing but Rice-a-Roni, canned corn, old porn mags, shitty beer, and assorted ‘sorostitutes’ to keep them entertained. We're letting them have a beer pong table, but two of the six balls we've given them have already been crushed at a local party.” Frat Brother is slated for Wednesday nights at 8pm.

While the ten Oaklanders chosen are being kept under tight wraps, sources close to PCNC say that this show could easily topple Survivor's ratings, that is, if all of the estimated 2,581 non-fraternity-affiliated residents of South Oakland watch each episode.

Other “big ratings” shows in the new line-up include: PCNC/WQED produced Rick Sebak's Gone Already, with the local documentarian Sebak taking the viewer to different places around Pittsburgh that aren't really there anymore; Recipes from tha Hill, an afrocentric look at cooking in Pittsburgh; and South Oakland Bar Tour, which is aimed at the 17-20 year old demographic. “South Oakland Bar Tour is our way of preparing the under-twenty-one crowd for Oakland's chic bar scene. Now younger roommates can’t complain that they've missed anything,” says Nagle. The show is slated to air from 9 pm to 2 am Monday through Saturday, and will feature a different South Oakland bar each week.

South Oakland resident and University of Pittsburgh Junior Jessica Brennan says of South Oakland Bar Tour, “now I can see if my boyfriend really was with [Oakland resident Terri] Foote at the Second Floor last Thursday!” Other residents have hailed the new PCNC line-up as well. One girl, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “Oh my God, this is the best line-up ever!”

When asked about Frat Brother, local micro-beer retailer Pasquale Bellasario, owner of Mellinger Beer Distributor Inc, said that, thanks to the show, his business should triple. “[PCNC] buys the Jacobs Ice from me, not up'ere at UBC. Plus, I gave 'em kids T-shirts and posters, plus some old Mellinger's soft-ball T's.”

September 11 - My own Personal Nightmare

By Mary Arnold,
Financial Consultant

You know for years to come, people will be asking where you were on September 11, 2001. It will be the topic of cocktail parties, first dates, and all kinds of ice breaker activities. Everyone will have a story. Some will recount how they sat glued to their television and watched events unfold, while others will reminisce about their own first hand traumatic experience.

Unlike many across the nation I did not have the luxury of being at home on that fateful day. I was not safe and secure at home watching my television. I was at work in the USX Tower, the first building to be evacuated in the city of Pittsburgh. It was terrifying at first because we didn't know what was happening, but little did I know how eerily distressing this experience would be.

Once I got in my car, I started to head to the parkway to get to my Forest Hills home. I turned on KDKA radio to get updates on unfolding events, when I heard that fateful announcement which would forever change my life: the Squirrel Hill Tunnels were closed. I would have to go through Wilkinsburg to get home.

And that's when my ride of terror began.

I turned off Fifth Avenue onto Penn Avenue and my hands started to tremble. I would have to pass that McDonald's where Ronald Taylor killed three people nearly two years ago.

But Mary has a resolve of steel. I took a deep breath, shut my eyes, and before I knew it, I made it! I was under the railroad bridge and past the McDonald's. Whew!

But my nightmare wasn't quite over yet. Wouldn't you know it, but at the next light I ran into some terrible misfortune...a red light! I started to panic but then I remembered my grandmother's advice, "lock the doors if you ever ride through a bad neighborhood." So I did. And just in time too. Three men had assembled on the corner by a PNC bank and were staring directly in my car. This might have been my last moment on Earth.

Luckily, someone, or something was on my side as the light turned green, I made it!

Or so I thought.

Sure enough, three blocks later down the street in front of the Rally's, wouldn't you know it, my second red light.

Of all the luck.

So I got out my rosary beads and said a couple "Hail Marys." Would this be the last time I saw blue sky from below? I wondered and decided to put it in God's hands, and He must have been listening because sure enough, the light miraculously turned green.

I was really through this time. Thank God. Smooth sailing, 1/2 mile later I was on the Parkway, and then before I knew it, I was home. But not without my battle scars.

September 11th is definitely a day I will not forget anytime soon.

Rick Sebak Completes New
F'ed Up In Oakland Documentary

Noted local WQED filmmaker Rick Sebak has just completed his newest documentary, F'ed Up In Oakland, a virtual bar tour of Oakland's most famous, and not so famous, bars and pubs. Sebak has gained fame both locally and nationally for his comical documentaries on Pittsburgh's history and communities such as South Side, Stuff That's Gone, Kennywood Memories, and most recently, Something About Oakland. "Well, after I released Something About Oakland last year, I got a mixed response," Sebak explained. "While a lot of the area really enjoyed the film, there was quite a bit of criticism from the Oakland community itself. I couldn't understand why. So, one day after doing a pledge-break at the [WQED] studio, I was sitting at Uncle Jimmy's when it hit me. This is why there's 'something about Oakland.'"

"Yeah, I'm all excited for this show last year," said Pitt Senior Mitch Hassenbach, "then it comes on and it's all little shops and book stores and shit." Pitt grad and South Oakland resident Chris Irvine had similar thoughts. "Schenley Park? Screw that! Where's Denny's? Where's The Attic? Hell, even Peter's or, god help me, Mitchell's or something. Not a one. Has [Sebak] ever even been in Oakland? He didn't get it at all."

Featured in the documentary are "looks back" at Oakland bars from the past, such as CJ Barney's, the Beehive/Pollinator, and the famous story of the night Zelda's got closed down. “Hopefully, with the release of F'ed Up In Oakland, I can not only make the Oakland residents happy, but myself as well," said Sebak in a recent interview. “It's not a sequel, but rather a preservation of the real heart and soul of Oakland.”

The film was shot during the span of one Friday, late October, and features Sebak in his own “bar crawl,” stopping in and drinking at as many local bars as he could. Included was an impromptu stop at Mellinger's Beer Distributor on Semple Street. “Yeah, I'd say he showed up at around 9 [pm] or so,” said owner Patsy Bellisario. “We were pretty busy at the time. I don't even know what he was doing in here. I think he tried to buy a six pack of Schlitz Malt talls or something, but we told him we could only sell by the case. He did try to pick up two girls though, while he was in line.”

“Oh my God!” remembered sophomore Samantha Walsh, “I was in there with my younger sister while my boyfriend was buying us some Zima, when this guy comes up to us and says, 'hey girls, have you ever seen The Bridge to Nowhere?” We were kind of creeped out, especially my sister, who's still in high school, but I figured, hey, he was just some drunk old guy. But then I saw the camera and thought maybe I would be on TV.” Bellisario added, “Yeah, it should definitely make for some interesting television, I'll tell you that much.”

Such adventures follow Sebak throughout the program, eventually ending with footage of him passed out in an alley off of Ward Street after apparently being kicked out of a party for starting a fight.

Catzelman Graduates!

John and Jerri Catzleman are proud to announce the graduation of their son, Wayne, from the Pittsburgh Diesel Institute.

Through the school's home study course, Wayne earned his Professional Truck Driver's Commercial License in just two weeks.

“The Pittsburgh Diesel Institute was great. I'd wake up around noon, crack open a brewski, then flip through my Motor Carrier Safety Regulations Guide Book while watching lesbians make-out on ‘Jerry Springer,’” he said. “It was just like college!”

Wayne dropped out of the University of Pittsburgh, just three credits shy of a Philosophy degree, to pursue his weeklong dream of driving the big rigs.

“As a former gas station attendant and McDonald's Drive-Thru cashier, I figured that I already had more than enough experience with motor vehicles and shit,” he said.

Wayne tried other correspondence schools before deciding on PDI, but found them to be unfulfilling. A brief enrollment in the Sally Struthers School of Veterinary Medicine led to the inadvertent death of Queenie, the family Bichon Frise.

“How was I supposed to know that you weren't supposed to anesthetize a dog with a fifth of Jack Daniel's?" Wayne asked tearfully.

Despite his son's past academic shortcomings, John Catzleman is bursting with faith and pride. "If you add up all the tuition bills, bail bonds and rehab costs, I figure that I've spent over $60,000 to get that lazy son of a bitch off my goddamn couch.”

The family recently celebrated Wayne's big achievement by throwing a party at their McKee's Rocks home. Among the many graduation gifts were a pair of fuzzy dice, Yosemite Sam mud flaps, a copy of John Denver's Greatest Hits, three flannel shirts, a “Keep on Truckin” ball cap, some back issues of Hustler, and an economy-sized bottle of Astroglide Personal Lubricant.

“I can't wait to get out on that open road and feel the wind whip through my mullet,” Wayne mused. “And from what I hear, there's a lot of hot and horny hitchhiker babes at those interstate truck stops!”

Although the hours are long and lonely, Wayne is committed to making the most of his PDI education.

“Man, if they give me a Budweiser truck I'd be so stoked," he exclaimed. “I'd park that sucker outside my buddy's house on Atwood Street and throw the biggest fuckin' kegger ever!”

Pitt Students Initiate "Minutes for Ethiopia" Fund Drive

The Global Alliance Student Association (GASA) has recently instituted a fund drive which will support the country of Ethiopia with cellular phone minutes. The plan calls for Pitt students to give up any extra minutes they have at the end of the month towards a large collection of excess minutes. This excess pile of minutes will then be distributed by three local cellular phone companies to Ethiopians starving for minutes.

“I've always felt connected to the Ethiopian people ever since I saw a 60 Minutes piece about them last March,” GASA spokesperson Mary Connors explained. “What I saw in that excerpt really haunted me—in that five minute segment, I only saw one person using a cellular telephone. Then the next day on campus, I probably saw well over 2,000 people using them. It really got me thinking. We have so much here, in this country, and we don't even understand the telecommunications struggle which Third World nations undergo. I figured there must be a way to help these struggling nations. And from that moment on it, was like a light bulb went off in my head — most cell phone users are locked into pre-paid plans and don't use all of their minutes at the end of the month. What if we took these extra minutes and gave them to needy Ethiopians? It just seemed to make sense.”

Connors then approached local representatives from telecommunications giants Cricket, Verizon, and Sprint and lobbied for support.

“It was one of the greatest ideas I've ever heard,” exclaimed Cricket regional manager John Stummers. “We as an organization don't normally think outside our regional box, but once Mary came to us, it really forced us to examine our global responsibility and we realized we were negligent. Besides, it makes good business sense for the future if we get our name established and branded in new markets.”

GASA expects to collect over 200,000 minutes to distribute to Ethiopians in time for the New Year. It is asking all Pitt students to donate by calling their local cell phone company and mentioning the “donation for Ethiopia drive.” Users can automatically donate a set amount of minutes each month, and Verizon users will even be matched by the company.

Straka Out Four to Six Months with Broken English

Pittsburgh Penguin center Martin Straka was diagnosed by team linguistic Mitchell T. Shanders with an extreme case of broken English. The diagnosis calls for the superstar to be out three to four months as tutors work with the Penguins star on his minimal pairs, vocabulary, and pronunciation.

“I noticed Martin struggling at last Tuesday's press conference,” Shanders reported. “He was using incorrect verb tenses, the first person possessive pronoun in place of the first person singular, and he totally screwed up the irregular verb ‘go/went.’ I knew I had to step in and remedy the problem. He's been in this country for almost ten years now and these mistakes should not be occurring. We need to fix this problem now before it gets worse.”

The Penguin center was referred to the Allegheny Intermediate Unit for intensive English as a Second Language coaching and development. Current tutor Steven Trummell speculates that Straka could possibly be out longer than the time reported by the team linguist.

“His case is pretty severe,” Trummell reported. "I could see him out for as long as six to eight months, and if he has learning disabilities, possibly even a year. Perhaps if he doubles up on lessons and really forces himself to go out and immerse himself in the language, he could make it in three to four months, but when you're working with language and speech, Martin has to understand there is no such thing as a quick fix.”

Straka remains optimistic that he can be back after the all-star break in February.

“My very much want to help team," Straka reported. "My do good learning to get more better at speaking the English an way the Americans do. My want very much to be back and play with players on the team of Penguins. My work very hard with tutors to get better and be back by break for All-Star game. If not then, my definitely went back by time the season of the playoffs comes to being.”

Pittsburgh Steelers Defender Aquires "Big Nasty VD"

Alma Illery Medical Center of Pittsburgh is reporting that a member of the Pittsburgh Steelers football team has acquired “a big nasty V.D.” The clinic is not releasing the identity of the football star due to confidentiality policies, saying only that he is a member of the defense. The clinic did report that the venereal disease was chlamydia, which is characterized by a weird clear discharge coming from the urethra, and was easily treated with a combination of antibiotics and abstinence. The Steelers defender allowed the clinic to report the incident in order to increase awareness.

“I thought I was immune from disease by only fornicating with high class broads,” admitted the Steeler in an anonymous statement delivered to the clinic. “This incident has really opened my eyes to the world of venereal diseases. If a patron of Morton's Steak House can have a V.D., it's safe to assume almost anyone can. I just want people to be aware. Whether you're getting it in a crack house or a carriage house, please, use a condom.”

The Medical Center reports that the Steeler is not the first celebrity to come to the clinic for treatment.

“Because of their high public profile and social standings and our own confidentiality policy, a lot of well-known patients seek out our assistance for treatment,” clinic head Jessica Montgomery reported. “You'd be very surprised who has obtained venereal diseases before. Musicians, politicians, heads of corporations, we've even had some staff of [Souf Oaklin fo' Life!!!] who've come to us for treatment. Most of the time, the celebrities refuse to even allow us to issue a statement. However, we would like to thank the anonymous starting left middle linebacker from the Steelers who allowed us to issue a press release and drum up awareness of venereal diseases.”

Monday, October 08, 2001

Advocacy Group Campaigns for South Oakland Living Wage

For the last three months, the South Oakland Living Wage Campaign (SOLWC) has been actively lobbying businesses, universities, and councilmen to support a living wage bill for South Oakland. The Campaign has proposed a bill to increase the minimum wage of South Oakland residents from the federal minimum of $5.15 to a South Oakland minimum of $6.35. The movement comes as South Oakland residents are struggling to meet the needs of their daily lives.

“We're sick and tired of being denied our rights as South Oakland residents. We're tired of only being able to party four nights a week. As young adults it is our unalienable, God-given right to party at least six nights a week,” SOLWC spokesperson Allie M. Carson reported. “Some people are even struggling to the point where they can only go out on Friday and Saturday nights. Come on, does the city think we are responsible adults?”

The South Oakland Living Wage Campaign began four months ago on the porch of a Semple Street home. Residents Colin Stopple, Erin Deliva, and Julie Crass were the impetus for the movement. “We had just finished a case of [Miller] High Life, and our buzzes were about to kick in,” Deliva remembers. “I made the suggestion for a second case, figuring we might as well keep the night moving. But when our collected funds came to a total of $8, I knew we were in trouble. We would have to settle for a six pack from Uncle Jimmy's. All we needed for that case was three extra dollars. At first it was a selfish revelation, but then I started thinking about all the other South Oakland residents who were a couple dollars short, just like us. It was then I knew something had to be done.”

Deliva then started a grassroots movement throughout the South Oakland community. Her efforts included finding like-minded citizens to campaign for the bill and finding an economist to devise standards to base the wages upon.

Pitt economics professor James Tuggle volunteered to conduct a study. “The first thing I noticed about South Oakland expenditures was the alcohol disbursement. I was like, ‘holy shit do these people drink a lot.’ I mean, some of them pay more in alcohol costs per month than in rent. I’ve found this kind of thinking leaves you with two choices: either earn more money or lessen your habits. I believe the only logical choice is for the inhabitants to make more money.”

Dr. Tuggle listed several reasons why it would be foolish to expect Pitt students to lessen their habits. “For these kids, their entire social life revolves around hanging out and getting hammered,” explained Tuggle. Many of them depend on [illegal] substances to have sexual relations that may even lead to serious relationships. We're talking about the future of our society. It is our responsibility as the current leaders of society to ensure that a place is made for the next generation of professors, businesspersons, and family men.”

While SOLWC has gained support from the world of academia, opponents se the proposed bill as devastating to the community.

“A South Oakland Living Wage would essentially destroy the South Oakland economy as we know it,” Oakland Business Improvement District (OBID) head Nancy Cudrey reported. “You won't see the $4 pizzas, $9.99 Miller High Life cases, $2.50 Straub pitchers, or the $10 dime bags that South Oakland is known for. With more money in residents' pockets there will be a desire to splurge on the more luxurious Say Cheese Pizza or the case of bottled Yuengling Lager. And half-price restaurant nights might be decreased to only twenty-five percent off. It would be disastrous. Not to mention what the increase in labor costs would do to existing prices. If you thought the forty [ounce bottle] increase at The 'O' two years ago was something, you haven't seen anything yet. If a South Oakland Living Wage bill passes, you might just see forty prices rise above the $4.00 mark.”

While both parties are adamant about their viewpoints a version of a South Oakland Living Wage bill will be proposed before City Council in November. If it passes Council approval, the city could see a South Oakland Living Wage referendum on next November's ballot.

Attack On America Puts Pitt On Defensive

SGB President Jeff Alex was protected by campus police last month when the nation was at a heightened state of security following terrorist attacks on New York City and Washington DC. He was taken to a secret chamber below Eddies in the Lichtfield Towers where a G-4 Macintosh computer allowed Alex to run the Student Government. Alex remained in the secret shelter for approximately 24 hours until the nation eased up its security alert.

“Our first priority when we heard of the attack was to find Alex and make sure he was all right,” Pitt Police Chief Tim Delaney said. “We found him in his Political Rhetoric class in the Cathedral [of Learning] at approximately 10:11 a.m. and immediately whisked him to safety through an underground tunnel system the university installed in case of such an emergency. It was an intelligence decision based on unconfirmed reports that the William Pitt Union was a target for the attacks.”

The university’s buildings were unharmed in the attack. Emergency officials prepared for the worst, but were relieved that the university was unscathed by the offensive.

“If the Union was attacked, the results would have been disastrous. Think of the chaos and the turmoil. Every club would have been instantaneously ruined. The Pitt Program Council alone would have taken months, maybe even a year, to recover. Valuable recreation areas with pool tables, video games and ping pong tables, not to mention juke boxes, would have been destroyed. I don't know if the social aspects of the university could ever recover from such a large scale affront. You can prepare for something like that, but are you ever really ready?” Delaney pondered.

SGB president Jeff Alex seemed a little more optimistic about the possibility. “Sure, an attack on the Union would have been disastrous, but we were, and remain, prepared. The G-4 underneath Eddie’s was equipped with records, schedules, and all sorts of financial data. Maybe the [Pitt Program] Council wouldn't have been able to show Dr. Doolittle in the Union, but you better believe we had contingency plans for alternate venues. And maybe the Medieval Interest Club wouldn’t have been able to meet in 511 WPU, but you can believe that I wouldn't rest until I found them a suitable meeting room. This administration is prepared for any emergency and is ready to handle anything and everything that comes its way.”

The Student Government Board and Pitt Police have been acting in conjunction to prepare security and precautions to secure the Union in case of an attack. Emergency plans allocated $700,000 for the Union to have around the clock roving security, newly installed surveillance cameras, and barbed wire around the perimeters.

“As long as I'm president," Alex declared, "this university is in safe hands.”

Local Pet Owners Really Love Their Pets

Pitt student Melanie Ross did what a lot of students do when they move into their own apartment for the first time she bought a kitten. "I just love Ms. Puffles, she's sooo cute!" said Ross, referring to her puffy, white, cute new kitty.

Ms. Puffles, like so many South Oakland pets, spends most of her day running around the apartment, scratching up furniture, and chewing on various electrical wires. While many veterinarians suggest that new kittens receive a lot of attention and supervision, not to mention a good home, many students believe that their fast-paced lives and often squalid living situations are conducive to pet ownership.

“Irresponsible students buy these damn pets, and they keep them all cooped up in the house all day, not getting any attention. Not to mention food or water. Then they bring me these flea-infested, dirty kittens or puppies, or even ferrets, right, and they can't even pay me for the goddam check-up!” explained Dr. Roger Filmore, D.V.M., chief veterinarian at Schenley Park Animal Hospital.

“Isn't Ms. Puffles just soooo cute?” asked Ross, pointing to a wet, garbage-covered Ms. Puffles rolling around in a pile of old pizza boxes and nearly-empty beer bottles. “See--she just loves beer, too! You should see her when we break out the bong! She just lies around and gets stoned as hell.”

Dr. Filmore has seen more than his share of abused pets. “You get these hippies living here who just feed their cat scraps of pizza or blow marijuana smoke in their dogs' faces all day, too. I don't know what's worse, leaving a pet at home alone for eight hours, or getting it stoned as shit all day instead. Then there's the frat boys who think it's funny to feed their new pit-bull a steady diet of Colt 45. Morons!”

If you’re a student and want to get a pet, Dr. Filmore advises that you “wait until you’re goddam out of college, you imbecile.”

Trick or Treat!
This year's popular South Oakland Costumes

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Bush Deploys Strike Force 2000 to Afghanistan

President Bush sent a message to the ruling Taliban government of Afghanistan yesterday when he deployed approximately 75 members of the Pittsburgh Panther Strike Force 2000 to the Middle East. Prompting the move was the Taliban's refusal to give up suspected terrorist Osama Bin Laden. Bush saw the move as a way to complement ongoing air strikes.

“Last year's success of Panther Coach Walt Harris' football team leads me to believe that those gridiron warriors have the ability to tackle the Taliban. With victories over Kent State, Bowling Green, Rutgers, West Virginia, Boston College, Temple, and Penn State, the Panthers proved they were a force to be reckoned with, and I have no doubt that, once reassembled, this group can defeat any opponent. So as of midnight November 1, Strike Force 2000 has been sent to the Mediterranean Sea and is on standby, ready to attack at a moments notice,” Bush declared.

Panther Strike Force 2000 will most likely be led by former Panther quarterback John Turman. Turman threw bombs last season and had one of the highest efficiency rating of any play caller in the country.

“In the last forty-eight hours we've been debriefed on fighter plane usage,” Turman reported. “Considering the skill and accuracy I have shown at throwing 34 oz. footballs, there is no reason why we won't experience similar success with 200 lb. bombs.”

Strike Force General Walt Harris has said that while early speculation has Turman at the helm, he has not ruled out the two current Panther Quarterbacks Rod Rutherford or David Preistley to lead fighter planes when Bush calls on the force.

“Obviously, Turman has got experience on his side as he led us to victory against Penn State. But you can't count out Priestley or Rutherford. While Rod has more of a ground game, we're still letting him handle the reigns of F-18 fighter planes. He's a natural at avoiding enemy fire and is probably our most skilled pilot in a dog fight,” Harris declared. While there is controversy about who will lead the team in the air, there is better certainty about the ground game. Former Panther and current San Francisco 49ers running back Kevan Barlow is a lock for tank general as he has been barreling over defenders all year long in the NFL. Last year's back-up Nick Goings is also expected to see action.

On defense, Strike Force is hoping to continue last year’s dominance. Two-time Big East Defensive Player of the Week Bryan Knight is being sent to combat the mountainous Afghani terrain and sack Bin Laden in his cavernous protective pocket.

“This is probably the most difficult assignment of my career,” Knight admitted. “I had my hands full with Penn State's line last year where the average weight was 310 lbs. Now I've got to combat approximately 44 tanks whose average weight is 4.8 tons. While this will be a challenge, I know if I just keep up with my scouting reports and work on my foot work, I'll be able to get behind enemy lines.”

In addition to Knight's defensive prowess, Strike Force will have the defensive security of free safety Ramon Walker, who will be guiding Panther missile defense systems.

“This is perhaps America's most balanced war team since LBJ deployed the Green Bay Packers to Vietnam in 1968,” Bush boasted. “Strike Force has all aspects of battle covered, and I know 1997 Big East Coach of the Year Walt Harris will have this team ready for war. These 75 men are truly American Heroes.”

While Bush is confident in the Force’s ability, college football commentator Craig James is not so sure.

“There is no doubt that this team had its successes last year, but traditionally Pitt has not been successful on the road. You're talking about a team that has not won in the Carrier Dome in the last eight years. If the Panthers can't destroy Syracuse's 12 man front 430 miles away, how are they going to be successful against the Taliban's 10,000 man front 74,000 miles away?” James argued.

Regardless of criticism, Strike Force will be deployed to the Middle East and will be ready to “strike” at a moments notice.

Why Won't He Take the Hint?
- What the women of South Oakland are doing to blow guys off.

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Point / Weaker Point: Realness

Fo' Real
- by Stanley "The Dog" Worchonski, 18-credit student, Triangle Tech

Yo, fo' real, I'm getting my stuff together, and getting my life in gear. I may be 28, but still I'm still going places. I'm 24 credits short from getting my degree from Triangle Tech. And once I get that paper…BAM! Sho' nuff, benjamins be steady rollin' out the pocket into my bank account. My savings account is gonna have mad commas. Word is bond.

Triangle Tech is bomb yo. They got all kinds of programs for me to get my stuffs together. I can get certified as a computer repairman, x-ray technician, or even TV/VCR repair. I got all kinds of options.

I'm doing this all too, in spite of all the haters that are tryin' to keep me down. Just few weeks ago I went to see my boys at my Bethel Park High School 10 year reunion. All my old hommies be there, but they weren't showing me love, only hate. Be getting on my case about my life. They think they all that cause they got houses, kids, dogs, and such. But they don't understand, the crazy life is what the dog is about: ruff, ruff. I still be banging eight balls down, still be rolling J's. Can't be stopping my flow.

Though I may still be living the crazy life, I got my direction too. I'm hooking it up for the future. Sho' nuff. In three and a half years I'll be certified.

For Real
- by Randale Johnson, Enginerring Junior

Yo, for real, for real, things are starting to happen for me. I am moving closer to the place I want to be in life. But things have not always been easy for me. Growing up in Larimer, there are a lot of obstacles which can get in your way: drugs, gangs, sex, violence. You name it, it is out there on the streets, and it will hold you down…if you let it.

I did not. I got my life in gear. I made things happen for myself. I made the honor role at Westinghouse High School. I took advanced classes when the teachers wanted to put me in special ed. I worked hard and I made it to the University of Pittsburgh. I chose engineering. I want to be a construction site supervisor. It has been my dream since I was a little kid. And I am going to make it. In two years I am going to attend graduate school at Stanford University, one of the top engineering schools in the country. I am almost there, I can see the top, and I am going to make it.

I did it by myself and for myself, but I still want to be an example for the community. I want to show kids in the neighborhood that if you work hard, you can make it. It does not matter where you came from, all that matters is where you are going; and I am going places.

What are South Oakland Residents Thankful For?

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Ask a Boxed Wine Connoisseur

By Brian Dupris,
Boxed Wine Connoisseur

Dear Brian,

I recently began dating a sophomore girl who lives in Tower C. It's cool because she has her own room, but it's almost impossible to sneak liquor or beer in. I want to cook her a nice Swanson Hungry-Man microwavable meal, but what should I provide for liquid refreshment? I need to tap that honey soon, dude.

Signed, Fidgety in Forbes

Fidgety in Forbes,

How many times have you gone into the liquor store to buy a nice pinot-noir or perhaps a sparkling-white blanche so that you might impress your guests with your knowledge of fine wines? How often have you mistakenly bought Wild Irish Rose or King Solomon, thinking, "Wow, $5 for two whole gallons of wine!"? Or maybe you picked up a bottle of some "French" wine or another that cost you almost $30? Brian Dupris is here to tell you what you're doing wrong. "'Dupris', is that French?" you ask. Yes, as a matter of fact, it is. My great-grandfather was a wine-maker in Provence, France, and when he came to America, he began brewing his own grape delight in the sunny valleys of California. My grandfather followed in his footsteps, but during the Great Depression, he lost the business. However, the love of wine flows through my blood and the knowledge and experience of generations of wine-makers has reached it pinnacle with me. I am called Connoisseur. My answer: boxed wine. You have quite a selection out there, it's cheap, tastes better than bottled wine, and you can put it in your book-bag so it feels like a book!

Stevie Leiter's Head's Up!

Hey yinz, how's everyone this week? Me, I'm super!

Item! Everyone's favorite children's star Mr. Rogers just retired. Wow! Seems those pricks at PBS need a younger, hipper bore to put kids to sleep in the afternoon. Fred, I've been a fan for years, it's sad to see you go.

Have you tried the beer Old German? "The world knows no finer" they say.

Speaking of Old Germans, did anyone see that new Hasselhoff series? I got a bay he can watch!

You know, old Stevie's been on the prowl for something new. Now that my fave Latiff Grimms is gone, who will replace him in my dreams? I've been thinking that maybe that li’l runner Rayland Kirkley can rush on me anyday!

Oh my God, did you see that hippie dude playing hacky-sack last week in front of the Towers? He can play with my sack anyday!

Here's a scoop I just gotta share: SGB pres Alex Jeffrey secretly likes Penn State. But you didn't hear that here.

Am I the only person in Pittsburgh that's sad the Bucko's didn't win any games this season? Poor Jason Kendall, but kudos to that bad boy behind the plate for all the times he bent over grabbing for balls. You know where Stevie will be reserving his season tickets next year.

Why do some people spell the jizz word “cum” and others “come?”

Sometimes I think I'll never learn this language!

Item! Walt Harris is pissed.

People always ask me why I like football so much. "Stevie," they say, "What is it about a bunch of guys in tight pants smacking into each other that gets you going?" It's the competition. That's what it is.

Did you know that Pittsburgh Brewing Company is 150 years old this year? I hope I taste that great when I'm 150!

Now that there aren't any good bars for the frat boys to go to in Oakland anymore, I'm going to open my own bar called “Just for Frat Boys.” Circle jerk, anyone?

I was riding the bus the other day and I swear that I saw Myron Cope. Yoi! Of course, it just could have been some guy from Homestead.

Why does coffee make you want to shit?

Well, that's all the juicy news Stevie has this week. Check out my next column to find out the answer to the question about that guy that's been dicking me around (literally!). That, and I finally found out why Mr. Tickles has been burning so much lately. Till then, friends.

SGB Unveils Plan for New Statue

With the resurgence of student pride at the University of Pittsburgh following the dedication of a new bronze panther near the William Pitt Union, current Student Government Board (SGB) president Jeff Alex has decided to expand this pride further than the borders of campus.

Alex has proposed to the SGB that a bronze keg be erected in South Oakland to resurrect pride in its residents. The keg, a symbol of free-flowing freedom and merrymaking, is intended to showcase part of South Oakland's ethnicity and demonstrate its thriving lineage.

“Our University community has benefited so much from having a bronze symbol to bring out the best in all of us,” Alex said at a recent press conference. “It just makes sense to extend that feeling in the hopes that all of our students will feel pride about something.”

Alex suggested that the proposed keg be sculpted at the same establishment in Parma, Italy where the “Pittsburgh Panther” statue was constructed. The model panther was made possible from an approved allocation of $72,000 from former Student Government Board President George Mongell in 1999. The anticipated bronze keg's price-tag would be slightly more expensive at $72,000.99.

Alex denied rumors that this price was meant to secure his place in the Pitt history books over Mongell as the SGB President to spend the most money on an item to instill pride in the student body.

South Oakland residents have been receptive to the idea.

“Dude, would that keg really have beer flowing from it?” Pitt junior Troy Jarrett asked. “That would be so sweet.”

Other residents have differing opinions. Estelle Krause has lived in South Oakland for over 75 years, and still lives in the same house that she was born and raised in.

“They really want to make a beer statue? Isn't there something else that South Oakland can be proud of?” she sighed. “What about a statue of that nice Danny Marino boy that used to live down the block from me? Or that crazy painter that died not too long ago--what was his name again?”

Alex and the SGB members have not yet decided on a proposed site for the bronze keg, although they are taking suggestions from the student body and residents of South Oakland.

Taco Bell Chooses New South Oakland Spokesman

After an extensive nationwide search, the fast food chain Taco Bell has selected Forbes Avenue "resident" and veritable Oakland legend, Lloyd Hamilton, better known to the Oakland community as "Sombrero Man," as the spokesperson for their newest ad campaign.

“He's a perfect choice,” said Bill Ross, director of marketing for Taco Bell. “These ads are aimed at a low-to-no income audience that craves sub-standard Mexican cuisine at a below poverty level price and quality. Sombrero Man epitomizes this criteria. Besides... he will work for food.”

Hamilton continues to redefine homeless high culture with his collection of silly hats. His unusual attire makes him a local point of interest and a fraternity scavenger hunt photo-op. He hopes to utilize the same creativity and professionalism while pedaling Gorditas, Quesadillas, and MexiMelts to a starving nation. He's even been brushing-up on his high school Spanish, blurting out “Yo quiero annnnnny pesos?” at passersby.

Now that he is poised on the brink of super stardom, Hamilton is letting his mind wander south of the border.

“I collect about $75,000 a year jingling this little Styrofoam coffee cup,” he said, “I'll stay in Oakland during the summer, sucker these gullible college kids into giving me money, then haul my chalupas down to Cancun in the off-season. I can't wait to hook-up with some tequila-tanked sorority girls at SeƱor Frog's! By the way, do you have annnnny change?”

Oakland residents are raising their margarita glasses high in honor of Sombrero Man's newfound fame.

“I always give that dude money,” Pitt student Amy Rotello said. “I know people say you shouldn't give money to street people ‘cause they just go buy booze with it, but, hey, if some random person just walked by and handed me a couple bucks, that's what I'd spend it on too.”

While Hamilton's fame has generated a wave of adulation and support, the recent hiring has some fast food consumers wondering, “What ever happened to that cute little dog that used to be in the commercials?”

“Well,” Sombrero Man slurred, “all I can say is don't eat the new Chihuahua Jalapeno Poppers.”

The commercials are scheduled to air nationwide on Cinco de Mayo. Until then, you can see Sombrero Man live everyday in front of the KenTacoHut on Bouquet Street. Visa, MasterCard, and annnnnny change accepted.

12th Man Suspended

The University of Pittsburgh announced the suspension of the 12th Man yesterday after reports of “gross misconduct.” Pitt coach Walt Harris said the 12th Man will be suspended “indefinitely,” and may not return until next season. The loss comes at a pivotal phase in the Panther’s rebuilding process and highlights off-the-field embarrassments to the program.

“We're certainly disappointed,” Harris commented. “We are a unit, a family, and when one member of that family doesn't hold up to his agreement, it's upsetting. This is certainly a learning opportunity for the 12th Man and one which will hopefully allow him to do some growing up and soul searching.”

While university officials are not commenting on the exact cause of suspension, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette has reported that the 12th Man is in violation of the NCAA's drug and alcohol policy.

“The 12th Man has not been shy about publicly breaking NCAA policy,” Post-Gazette reporter Shelly Anderson wrote. “Number twelve has even gone so far as to openly consume alcohol in the parking lots before the football games. Often times the 12th Man smuggles in flasks of Jim Beam and openly swigs it during the game. He's out of control and a menace to those around him. It's almost sad to watch the self-destruction of such an integral part of this football team. The 12th Man really needs to be taught a lesson.”

The suspension comes after number twelve was involved in a number of off-the-field incidents this summer. From large-scale brawls, public intoxication, and dangerously promiscuous sexual activity, number twelve has earned a bad boy image around campus.

“Thisss iss bwuh...bull-shit,” the 12th Man slurred. “I don't think that god-damn Harris knowsdd what the fuck he's ff-fucking talkin' bout. It's always ‘I'm the ass-hole.’ Righdt, righdt. Why doesn't that fucking NCAAARRP take its god-damn rules and put them up its pussy. That's rright. Number 12 answers to one man: number 12. Hey, anybody got a light?”

Pitt Victory Song Modified

Debate has divided the University of Pittsburgh since the omission of the “Fight Pitt Fight” (“Penn State Sucks” to the students) section of the Pitt Victory Song at the Panthers’ first game of the season. The athletic administration has expressed that the wording is an embarrassment to the program and fails to display the ethics of good sportsmanship. The students see the exclusion of a portion of the song as robbing them of a long standing tradition which brings fans together. Last evening, the university and the Student Government Board (SGB) reached a compromise.

“The SGB, on behalf of the student body of the University of Pittsburgh, has reached an agreement with the administration which will bring back the omitted portion of the Pitt Victory Song,” SGB president Jeff Alex declared. “Instead of the traditional chant of ‘Penn State sucks...Penn State sucks...P-E-N-N S-T sucks,’ we agreed to replace the lyrics with ‘Penn State's not the same caliber team as us...Penn State's not the same caliber team as us...P-E-N-N State’s not the same caliber team as us’. This alteration provides for a more fan-friendly atmosphere, while at the same time allows students to participate in the traditional rabble rousing of college football. It's a win-win situation for both parties, and it just makes a lot of sense.”

Now Alex and the SGB's job is to sell the policy to students. Administration has said the band will play the Pitt Victory Song in its entirety against Virginia Tech on November 3rd on a trial basis. If the students comply with the changes and chant the revised lyrics, then the verse will be reinstated throughout the year and into next year. If the expletive continues, then the segment will again be removed.

“Once the students see what is at stake, I have no doubt that they will follow along with the university's alterations,” Alex declared. “We're talking about years and years of history which will be lost if the students do not comply. I can see no other recourse of action[sic].”

University of Pittsburgh Athletic Director Steve Pederson shares in Alex's optimistic viewpoint on the variation. “We believe the students will understand and accept that this is a necessary policy for the university to adopt. We do not want to destroy the university's rich and storied traditions. However, in order to become a successful program in a new millennium, change is necessary. We also do not seek to ruin anyone's enjoyment of Pitt football, but believe fans can be equally exuberant about their team if they tone down their language a notch or two. We believe this to be the best course of action for all parties involved.”

Friday, September 14, 2001

Pitt Screws Oakland

After almost 100 years of flirting and courtship, the University of Pittsburgh has officially screwed Oakland. Sealing the deal is the current erection of the Multi-Purpose Academic Center on Forbes Avenue. Also contributing to the fornication was last year's demolition of Oakland housing to build the Bouquet Garden Apartment Complex.

With the addition, Pitt gained a more attractive campus and bragging rights at national university conventions.

“Yeah, those two blocks in South Oakland between Oakland and Bouquet — I got it,” Chancellor Mark A. Nordenberg boasted last fall at a national chancellor's reception in Washington, DC. “We slammed that block so hard, it didn't know what hit it. We rocked their world.”

The University of Pittsburgh has made Oakland his home since 1908. Since then, his campus has spread from two small buildings that housed both classrooms and administrative space to the current sprawling spread of over 50 buildings.

As the campus grew, Oakland stood by and watched as landmarks from her past were slowly torn down for state-of-the-art dormitories, laboratories, and hospitals. Places frequented were no longer hot spots to visit in the neighborhood. Rather, the University kept touting his reputation as an institution of higher learning and bragging about howmany buildings he had.

As time went on and paranoia and tension escalated, Nordenberg and the University repeatedly assured residents and the Oakland Business Improvement District (OBID) that it would always be there for the community and the people. “Its a tough time for both of us, but if we can make it through this, we can make it through anything.”

“They told us they loved us for who we are,” OBID director Nancy Cudrey sobbed. “They complimented our charm and character and made us feel like the greatest neighborhood in Pittsburgh. They promised they would never hurt us and that we'd marry to create a solid relationship, working in rhythm to create new opportunities together. But once they got what they wanted, the phone calls stopped and the lunches at the University Club disappeared. It was like we never existed at all. I really thought we had a future. And now we have nothing.”

OBID is not alone in falling from the University's graces.

“When Nordenberg said he was going to ‘smack his bitch up’, I thought that maybe he was really going to change the way the University presented itself, ran its business, educated its students. I even thought tuition may decrease as changes rippled throughout the institution,” commented Peter Geist, a lifelong resident of Oakland. "He only meant he was going to violate and destroy all of Oakland's self-image.”

Local business owners are fearing they are next to fall, as Zelda's and CJ Barney's bars were closed in recent years. Area gossips claim that the Original Hot Dog Shop is the next victim to be wooed by the University, located in the same block as the fallen businesses.

“We’re small and looking for someone to take care of us,” reported a local businessperson, who asked to remain nameless for fear or University retaliation. “Opening our heart and opening up our business for Pitt is a sign that we not only expect the University to co-exist with us, but to love us too. We want the University to respect us and encourage its students to patronize our establishments. Oakland business will not lay back unless we feel comfortable with, and loved by, the University. Now, I fear for the stability of my business.” A Carlow College psychologist specializing in human sexual relations agrees, labeling Pitt’s conquering nature as akin to some type of macho competition amongst fraternity members.

“The University needs to keep its phallus, the Cathedral of Learning, in check,” said Carlow psychologist Janet Meyers. “Just as the biological male feels a need to conquer females and reproduce his seeds, Universities also feel compelled to do the same.”

Throughout Pitt’s glorious history, he has been accused of numerous exploitative relationships. He has used and abused numerous businesses, institutions, and even churches. “If you examine the history of the University’s relationships, you will see that they are all one-sided, with the University assuming a domineering role,” Oakland historian Emanuel Harrison commented. “You will see a repeating pattern of abuse and neglect coming right after a very emotionally involved honeymoon period. Just take a look at Forbes Field and the proposed closing of Bigelow Boulevard. It is a vicious, never ending cycle.”

Reports claim that Oakland is currently seeking support and advice from her sensitive, artistically inclined, homosexual neighbor Carnegie Mellon University, during this trying time.

Pitt To Open New Petersen Crackhouse

Plans to build the $48 million Petersen Events Center came to a crashing halt last Friday as federal funding fell through. The promised $38 million from Governor Tom Ridge had to be rerouted to a federal emergency relief fund in order to balance a budget deficit that previously went unnoticed. The Petersen Events Center was set to open in late 2001 or early 2002 and host Panther basketball games and special events. While the 12,000 seat Events Center will not be built, Pitt will still use the remaining $10 million donation from John M. and Gertrude E. Petersen for the opening of new student housing, campus greenery, and the new John M. and Gertrude E. Petersen Crack House.

“The Crack House is the most technologically advanced of its kind. It not only serves as a resource for students to come and get high, but also provides an environment where students can manufacture, promote, distribute, and recover from crack,” Chancellor Mark A. Nordenberg proclaimed at a Tuesday afternoon press conference. “While we are disappointed with the loss of the Events Center, the Crack House is, a momentous achievement for the University and its crack addicts.”

Pitt benefactor John M. Petersen had "no problem" with the design of the new Crack House. “I realize cocaine is not as popular as it was in my day. Crack is a lot cheaper and more accessible. However, it is the role of the University to adapt and develop with the times and not remain stagnant in our drug use. Crack also offers a more accessible high to our poor and minority students, while cocaine has traditionally been used by the more financially secure student. The [Petersen] Crack House is a blessing to this University,” Petersen issued in a statement to the Chancellor.

The Petersen Crack House has eight luxury crack rooms designed for getting high. They are equipped with plush couches, 32-inch Sony Televisions, and wall-to-wall carpeting. Also in the building is 3,000 square feet for product development, 2,000 square feet for market research, four offices for crack outreach, three recovery rooms equipped with IV bags, adrenaline shots, and heart rate monitors, and a Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, and KFC combo restaurant that will accept Dining Dollars.

The “crown jewel” of the Crack House will be the Alumni Reception Center. Pitt Basketball Coach Ben Howland has praised the center as a “recruiting gem.”

“Now players will see that we are interested in their post-Pitt plans. Once players graduate or attempt to enter the NBA draft, and their subsequent professional dreams are crushed, they can come back to the nurturing University environment and get high. Normally these ex-players would be on the street or in run-down crack houses in dangerous environments. Now they can retire in state of the art facilities with such former Panther greats as Mark Blount, Jerry McCullough, Chad Varga, and Jerome Lane. Imagine sitting next to Jerome as he injects a needle into his arm and the glass shatters. I get chills just thinking of the possibilities,” Howland told members of the press.

The architects for the Petersen Crack House are Apostolou Associates of Pittsburgh and Rosser International of Atlanta. The Petersen Crack House is slated to open this spring. Pitt Athletic Director Steve Pederson denied comment on the issue.

Are You Worthy of South Oakland?

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Autistic Student Late For Wapner
- WIll Only Take 71A (K-Mart Sucks)

It was announced yesterday that Raymond Babbit of Shadyside was late for Court TV's afternoon rerun of “The People's Court” Tuesday. Babbit reportedly refused to take any other 71 PAT bus to his Negley Avenue apartment except the 71A.

“Definitely the 71A,” explained Babbit. “Uh-ohh, Raymond's late for Wapner!”

Babbit is said to be what doctors call an “Autistic Savant.” Souf Oaklin fo' Life!!! was unable to uncover any further information relating to the history of Babbit's condition, knowing only the fact that it leaves him with strict routines which he adamantly adheres to for no apparent logical reason.

“12,256 windows in PPG Place, definitely 12,256 windows,” said Babbit, staring down at a cigarette butt left discarded on the sidewalk. “Ha-ha, mister reporter man made a joke, ha-ha.”

At approximately 2:34 pm, a 71A bus came to the bus stop outside of the Market Square McDonald's. However, at just that same moment, a young lady dropped a box of toothpicks on the sidewalk. Immediately Babbit began counting them, saying, “218 toothpicks. Definitely 218.” When the young lady told Babbit not to worry about it, eyewitnesses say she touched his arm to comfort him. Babbit then began to shout “Ahhhhhhhhh, Ahhhhhhhhhh!” and rock back and forth, thus missing the 71A, not to mention drawing the attention of a moderately sized crowd in the process.

Following the crowd’s dispersal, the visibly disturbed Babbit began to calm down. He then looked at his watch and began to erupt, “Uh-oh! Uh-oh! I'm gonna be late for Wapner! Uh-oh! Definitely 12,256 windows in PPG Place.”

When asked, Babbit told a nearby man that he lived in Shadyside. “See son, you can take this next bus, then,” explained the man, “see, it's a 71C, it'll go to Shadyside.”

“Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Late for Wapner. Only 71A. Only good bus! 71A,” replied Babbit, refusing to get on the 71C.

Babbit waited for the next 71A, which arrived at 3:52 pm. "Uh-oh, definitely gonna miss Wapner!" said Babbit.

It is uncertain whether the bus got Babbit home in time to see the end of People's Court. The number of stops made and passengers aboard the bus was unknown. Follow up attempts by S.O.F.L were ignored.

Point / Weaker Point: Alternative Semesters

Semester At Sea
- By Elaine Lewis, CAS Junior

It took all the courage I had to sign up for the Semester At Sea program. I didn't have a lot of money, I needed to fulfill my Psych requirements, I had never been out of the U.S. before, and I didn't even have a passport. But somehow all these stumbling blocks were removed and I went for three months aboard a traveling ship that went to seven different countries. And now, looking back on it, I can say without a doubt that it was the best experience of my life.

I was extremely nervous before we landed on the shore of our first country of the trip, Cuba. What I found instead was possibly the greatest experience of my life. While shopping in the Havana town center, I met two Cubans, Juan and Elian (and no, it wasn't Elian Gonzales!). I sat and talked with them for five hours (they spoke English fluently). They even bought me shots of rum and lit up a genuine Cuban cigar for me to smoke. And when the bill came they insisted that they pay. I couldn't believe it. Here are these two poor farmers from rural Cuba treating me to drinks. I was blown away by their humility and hospitality. I don't think I will ever forget Juan and Elian as long as I live. I still write letters to them, too. Not as much as I would like, but every now and again.

Those were just two of the people I met. Later I would go on to meet other wonderful people like Najobi from Kenya, Ahamani from Afghanistan, Niko from Japan, Matesh from India, and Samaia from Viet Nam; people who taught me so much about life, kindness, and happiness.

Don’t get me wrong, the trip did have its share of small problems, but looking back, they were nothing compared to the cultures I experienced and the people I met. Semester At Sea was the most amazing experience I've ever had.

Semester Of Semen
- By Angelina Dixon, CAS Sophomore

Oh my God, I had the best experience of my life last semester. It was something completely different from anything I've ever done. Wow, just thinking back on the memories, it was incredible.

It started out easy enough last September. I was a shy girl from Altoona who finally made it to the big city. I was so overwhelmed by everything: the tall buildings, the homeless begging for change, and all the cute boys all around me. I hate to admit it now, but I was a virgin when I first came to Pitt. But all that changed after a party at a fraternity house up on the Hill.

I went up the Hill for the first time during the first week of school with a couple girls on my floor. At first, I was intimidated. I just stood around and watched all my friends shake their booty on the dance floor. Then after about four or five rum and cokes (I don't drink beer, it's gross!) I met up with my friends on the dance floor. No more than two songs after that, this really good-looking guy was dancing with me. I couldn't believe it, here I was, this shy girl from Altoona, at a college party dancing with a college guy! But that was only the beginning. He took me up to his room and the rest is history: we had sex, me for the first time. It was OK as far as I remember, but after that I knew what I wanted. I was going to be changed forever. And I was! I had all kinds of sex, with all kinds of men. It was the best! I've done all kinds of positions too (I never knew there was more than one!): doggie style, missionary, on top, standing up, Lotus Flower, kneeling down, bending over, and a whole bunch of others too. Just between you and me, my favorite is doggie :), ruff, ruff.

It wasn't all pleasure, however. This one time I thought I had gonorrhea. I was so scared, but then, I went to Student Health and they told me it was only a yeast infection (thank God). But looking back now, those last three months were the best of my life. Thanks to every guy (and that one girl, he, he) who made it possible.

Uncle Sam's Markets New Diet

University of Pittsburgh student Gina Weathers has created her own new diet. Impressively, the chain restaurant that made her new diet possible has decided to support her in her endeavors and market the diet for others to share in her success. Weathers claims the diet began when she was pledging sororities, and had her heart set on the Tri-Deltas.

“They are all so beautiful, thin, and always get all those Sigma Chi's,” she said. “When I didn't get in, I was devastated...I knew it was my weight. I weighed 150 pounds and I couldn't even stand to look at myself in the mirror.”

Insistent upon making a change, Weathers started her new diet. She started coming to Uncle Sam's at 210 Oakland Avenue about a year ago and she has gone from a whopping 150 pounds to a slender 75 pounds.

“I still have a long way to go yet.” Weathers said, as she looked at her not-quite-thin-enough figure in Uncle Sam's mirrored walls.

As a result of Weather's success, Uncle Sam's has decided to support her in her endeavors. They even plan on releasing a Pittsburgh-wide marketing campaign featuring Weathers that gets the word out about the diet and also how healthy Uncle Sam's is.

The diet consists of two combo meals that contain two foot-long subs, three bags of chips, and two large orders of fries. If you are a beginner, it is suggested that you start off with at least one foot-long sub of choice, two bags of chips, and one large order of fries.

“The more you work at it, the more you will be able to consume and the better your results will be,” store manager Aaron Timbers said.

After eating (the quicker the better) the dieter goes to the newly installed soundproof restroom, uses a plastic tongue depressor, and regurgitates the meal. Originally patrons had to use their own fingers, but that was deemed unsanitary and in some cases caused minor skin irritation around the finger. By using the Uncle Sam's patented tongue depressor, you can safely discard the meal without any mess or discomfort. The food will be evacuated from your stomach before you can say "Uncle Sam's.”

“I am getting so accustomed to this diet that I don't even need to use the tongue depressor. I just bend over and ....there you go,” Weathers boasted. “If I can't be a Tri-Delt, then maybe I can look like one. I don't know if I will ever get there though with all this fat that I have to lose...just look at these thighs...look at my butt! I can't believe how fat I am. If only I could take some of the fat from around my waist and put it where my breasts should be. I am not giving up though, — if I can do it, anyone can.”

Freshman Checks Out Scene, Tits

Newly arrived-freshman Ben Chapson, is quickly getting adjusted to college life here in Pittsburgh. Chapson spent last Thursday walking around the campus and the surrounding business district.

“I like Pitt so far, it's pretty neat. I stopped in Dave's Music Mine and bought like five or six really cool CD's. I've eaten at The ‘O’ and Uncle Sam's and thought the food was really good in both places, and all the while, I got to check out the ladies. Holy shit, do these chicks have big tits. Not all of them, but a good deal of them. And they aren't afraid to show them either. They all wear these tight ass shirts with their tits pushed way up. I'm definitely gonna like it here,” Chapson commented.

Chapson then speculated on obtaining one of these large breasted women for himself.

“I guess I got to go get in some fraternity or something. Then I could definitely bang a lot of these big titted girls.”

Bob Evans to Sponsor Local Sausage Parties

In an effort to target a younger audience, the Bob Evans Restaurant Franchise has partnered with five Pitt freshmen to promote a series of “Sausage Parties.” These gatherings will be held in Tower A on successive Fridays in the months of September and October. The series is part of a national campaign to promote awareness of the restaurant chain and simultaneously provide college freshmen with a festive atmosphere.

“Bob Evans is pleased to announce this partnership with five very deserving Pitt freshmen,” company spokesman B. Lee Thomas reported. “Traditionally, the freshman male has been deprived of party opportunities without a sufficient fake ID. Now, with the help of the Bob Evans restaurant corporation, the youths can enjoy their first year of college in a suitable fashion. Everyone needs the opportunity to unwind with their fellow male friends and participate in suitable shenanigans.”

The five freshmen will be given two thirty-packs of beer on “Sausage Party Fridays.” However, their contract stipulates that they will not be allowed to entertain any female guests during these parties in their dorm rooms. A breach of the contract will cause a loss of both sponsorship and funds. However, there is no stipulation that forbids the five from the entertainment of other male friends.

“We're very excited to start the parties,” freshman Billy Tucker reported. “I used to drink with my high school soccer team occasionally so I'm very familiar with the ‘sausage party’ concept. It's an arena that I feel both comfortable and secure in. It's a great training ground for when we actually start to party with girls.”

The Bob Evans corporation has partnered with 22 universities nationwide, including Pitt, to sponsor college “Sausage Parties.” They are also planning on sponsoring a national New Year's Eve sausage convention in Des Moines, Iowa for all participating freshman males.

What's That On My Cock?
Mr. Pokey's Guide to Venereal Disease

(Click to enlarge... heh heh.)

Outdoor Guitar Player Still Not Getting Laid

Outdoor guitarist and Neil Young enthusiast Dave Larmaine has spent an estimated 13 hours in various Oakland locations playing his guitar in hopes of obtaining sexual relations. Thus far, Larmaine's efforts have been in vain; however, he remains optimistic about his future fornication prospects.

"I tell you, it's just a matter of time," Larmaine reported. "Girls are just nervous about starting college and don't want to put themselves out just yet. Once they realize they have the freedom from their friends, family, and morals of their hometown, they will be more than willing to get with me as well as a slew of other males."

With a set that includes covers of Uncle Kracker, Radiohead, Dave Matthews, and a rousing rendition of U2's "Beautiful Day," Larmaine has wowed dozens of passersby with his music. His songs have been getting rave reviews and even elicited a "not too bad" comment from CAS junior Allison Hearth. The open guitar case set out by Larmaine has even netted profits of approximately four dollars and seventy-two cents.

"The financial success and social praise are certainly perks, but that's not why I got into music. I got in it for the sexual relations. And if I'm not getting any, then all my efforts have been in vain. Hell, I’d give anything for just some fellatio at this point. I'm remaining optimistic, but still getting a little vexed. We'll see what happens, though. I'm not relying entirely on music. My roommates and I have planned parties at our place and plan to invite freshmen. I'm also planning to attend several Pitt Program Council events geared towards freshmen. Certainly one of those avenues will illicit payoff in the not- too- distant future. I just need to be a little patient at this point," Larmaine conceded.

What's Cookin', Souf Oaklin Gourmet?

(Click to enlarge.)

Saturday Night / Sunday Morning
- Hangover Bad, Last Night Worse

South Oakland resident Jay Keller awoke Sunday morning with “the worst hangover ever.” According to initial reports from Keller, the agonizing headache and vomiting were apparently even worse than the now infamous day-after-Memorial-Day-hangover when Keller drank an entire box of Franzia white wine. “He talks about that hangover like it's the best thing that's ever happened to him,” said housemate Matt Francise, “like it's cool to have a hangover or something.”

Unable to open his eyes, Keller stumbled to the bathroom saying, “ow, oh my head's fuckin' killing me. What the hell happened last night?”Apparently his elevated BAC caused what is commonly termed a “black-out”: an experience over 50% of all people in South Oakland suffer on Saturday evenings engaging in what most parents refer to as "binge drinking.”

Scientists at the University of Pittsburgh and nearby Carnegie Mellon University are currently investigating the correlation between consumption of a “shit-load” of alcohol and the inability to remember “what the fuck happened last night.” At the time of this report no conclusions were available.

Keller's ability to recall events from the preceding evening begins to end at around 10PM. Having already consumed a six-pack of Busch pounders and three shots of Ezra Brooks whiskey by 8PM, Keller neglected to have dinner. A keg of Straub arrived at 9PM. “No hangover my ass,” Keller commented from the bathroom between dry-heaves. Francise reported that over the next three hours he saw Keller consume somewhere between 10 to 15 12-ounce cups of beer.

Amazingly, and unfortunately for Keller, this amount of alcohol was insufficient to render him unconscious. He spent the entire evening hitting on every girl at the party saying “you and me babe, how 'bout it,” (from the Dire Straits song “Romeo and Juliet”). “Man, that was priceless,” said Francise laughing hysterically, “I only wish I had that on video.” He continued to recount how Keller vomited on himself twice, including once in front of a girl that he's wanted for over two years now. “Oh man, that sucks,” Keller lamented from the bathroom.

White Pittsburghers Really Love PNC Park

White fans from Swissvale to Castle Shannon are praising the recently opened PNC Park. These whites have been turning out in record numbers to view the new stadium in its first season of existence.

“The view of Downtown is really spectacular,” white male Bill Shurman of Dormont commented. “You can really just sit there and lose yourself for a couple hours in the game and the serenity. It's great, just really special.”

Not only do the white people love the view, they are also giving rave reviews to the food.

“It's great. I can get anything I want here; from pierogies to kielbasa, it's all here. They even got an Outback Steakhouse and a Primanti's. It's just like going to the mall, only there's baseball too,” white female Sherri Kerlanski declared.

This consumerism has really got the white race excited. Whites are displaying their wealth and good fortune by buying everything from bobble head Pirate dolls to embroidered jerseys of catcher Jason Kendall.

“The selection of stuff I can buy is far better than Three Rivers,” white fan and father of three Louis Delmonto reported. “Once my kids see all the stuff I bought for them, can there be any doubt of my love and affection? I got 'em T-shirts, towels, and foam #1 fingers. PNC Park has everything you could ever want!”

With all its amenities, view, and serenity, Pittsburgh’s new PNC Park is sure to satiate generations and generations of white people for years to come.