Friday, February 27, 2009

CCAC “Professor” Fails to Inspire with Last Lecture

Retiring Community College of Allegheny County “Professor,” Jimbo Adams addressed a lunch table of five students yesterday in the cafeteria of the Thomas Foerster Student Center. Adams is retiring from a four year stint as an instructor in the Court Reporting department. In his swan song goodbye to academia, Adams departed by implanting his knowledge on his former students.

“First, before I bite into my ham sandwich, let me address the elephant at this table,” declared Adams. “By now you’ve heard the rumors more than likely swirling around campus that this will be my final semester of instruction at the old alma mater. Well, let me confirm your speculation. I did go to the student health center last Wednesday, and they did confirm that I have carpal tunnel and recommended I go on short-term disability. After a trying period of deliberation I decided that I needed to heed the student nurse’s advice.”

Though the students he spoke to seemed disinterested in the conversation and more interested in the episode of the Jerry Springer Show playing on a TV in the cafeteria, Adams continued. He explained to the students how even though he had carpal tunnel, he was not going to let the disease stop him. He then took out his cell phone and began to text-message in a flurry of repetitive thumb movements that seemed to have little impact on the rest of the table.

“But gentlemen, I’m not here to talk about the apparent sensations of swelling and burning which accompany my daily wrist movements, I’m not going to talk about the throbbing pain which accompanies an email correspondence. I’m here to talk about my childhood dreams. When I was younger, I had a dream to play for left winger for the Pittsburgh Spirit professional soccer club. But alas the team folded after ’86 and there were no Riverhounds yet to inspire my generation, like there is for yours. We were the unlucky generation, the forgotten generation, as I like to refer to us. Caught in a time-span between two soccer clubs and with little recourse for to indulge our kicking fantasies. So I settled on CCAC, took a stint as a court reporter, and the rest, well gentlemen, let’s say it’s stricken from the record. And gentlemen, let me tell you I never looked back or doubted myself for a minute. And you fine young men have the same opportunity today, but only if you believe…”

One of the students then interjected Adams’ soliloquy and asked if they were finished with the meeting because he was do in thirty minutes at the night shift for his Vector Security job at a Ross Township office complex. The student then inquired if he would still receive the extra 10 bonus points for eating lunch with Adams, if he left before Adams finished eating.

“Let me tell you something, about bonus points,” Adams spoke while not directly answering the question. “One time I took the administrative assistant in our department out to the Greentree Rd. Applebee’s for Administrative Professional’s Day. And people were shocked when I paid for her $6.99 pick ‘n pair lunch combo. But when they asked me how I could afford her lunch on a stenographer’s salary, you know what I told them gentlemen, I told them how could I not. How could I not.”

As the Springer episode wrapped up, the four classmates hastily left the table, while Adams was left to impart one final bit of wisdom.

“Gentleman, wait, have I told you my theory of life according to the TV show Friends. You have to decide if you want to be a Ross or a Joey. Gentlemen, what’s it going to be, Ross or Joey? Think about it. Ross or Joey?”