Sunday, April 25, 2004

South Oakland Drunk Dials Pitt

After years of complaining about the treatment by its sexually abusive neighbor, South Oakland’s secret desires were revealed in a candid, libation fueled telephone conversation late last Thursday evening. In the phone call, South Oakland lamented that it has tried to have relations with other institutions and no one has been able to satisfy them like the 217 year old university.

“I don’t want to love Pitt, after all it has done to us,” Oakland Business Improvement District (OBID) head Nancy Cudrey reported. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get over its aggressive land snatching with its penetrating use of eminent domain. Pitt doesn’t recognize that we have feelings, they just treat us like a second class zone.”

Despite Cudrey’s firm words of antagonism, her late night phone call revealed a different philosophy.

“We want you back, even if it’s just one more acquisition,” Cudrey was overheard sobbing during the call. “Whatever you want, whenever you want, all you have to do is call and it’s yours. You want Cumpie’s, Wiener’s Business Machines, no problem. Take them. We’ll even throw in a parking lot. Just take something, I want you to want us again. It’s been so long. I want you to make us feel desirable again. I want, that, just one, oh, why [sic].”

While Cudrey was seemingly very generous with South Oakland’s assets, the University of Pittsburgh was apparently disinterested with exploring any further relations with the community.

“South Oakland just doesn’t do it for us anymore,” said Pitt spokesman Robert Hill. “We’re getting older and frankly their loose morals and lack of direction aren’t what we are looking for. It was fun while it lasted, but we’re seeking to find a neighborhood with a little bit more to offer. We’re currently exploring options with Shadyside and Squirrel Hill. It’s nothing serious yet, but who knows? We’re sorry, but we just don’t see a future with South Oakland.”

South Oakland has apparently taken the news very hard according to its sensitive, artistically inclined, homosexual neighbor Carnegie Mellon University.

“Completely devastated,” assessed CMU President Jared L. Cohen. “I think they’ll be fine and maybe settle down with a Carlow or possibly another community non-profit. But it just hurts right now, they just really had their eyes set on Pitt. I’ve been trying to tell them that it wasn’t meant to be, but they don’t want to hear it.”

While CMU remains optimistic about South Oakland’s future, the neighborhood itself isn’t showing any signs of future positivity.

“Why, why, why,” Cudrey begged. “We gave birth to their most famous quarterback, and they just run out on us like this. I just hope that if Pitt remembers the good times, like the 1960 World Series, they’ll come back. We have a history together.”

Asian Tattoo Artist Inks Revenge Behind Bars

When local tattoo artist Andy Sakai was sentenced to five years in prison for inking profanities on hordes of hapless customers, many thought his days of body desecration were over.

They were wrong.

Sakai’s latest victims are no longer college students. His current targets are, ironically, his fellow inmates.

Using a tattoo gun fashioned out of a sharpened paper clip, dental floss, and a ballpoint pen taped to a plastic spork, the disgruntled prisoner has drawn Black Panther Party symbols on white supremacists, written CRIPS 4 EVA on rival gang members, and left dozens of hardened criminals with butterflies, fairies, and unicorns permanently etched in their skin.

“I wanted a stack of skulls on my back,” said murderer Jimmy Drake, “and that Asian prick gave me a giant Winnie the Pooh!”

Many prisoners ask for spider webs on their elbows to signify time spent in jail. Sakai’s webs have hidden messages in them such as, “Fuck Cops,” “I Swallow,” and “Salad Tosser.” Sakai got the idea for the cryptic tats after reading Charlotte’s Web in the prison library. “That E.B. White’s a genius, man,” Sakai proclaimed.

For his own protection, Sakai has been moved to solitary confinement where he’ll serve the rest of his sentence.

“Prison isn’t so bad,” Sakai said. “It gives me time to sit and seriously contemplate my next diabolically evil plan!”

Dozens Worldwide Celebrate Old German Toast

In a moving ceremony fit for an indistinct beverage overlooked by millions annually, the Pittsburgh Brewing Company held a worldwide Old German toast last Friday evening. Though publicized to bars across the globe, the actual toast was only shared by the three known Old German carriers (Denny’s, Thirsty’s, and Gooski’s), all of which are conveniently located in Pittsburgh.

The toast occurred at 11:00 PM at the three locations, where patrons and Old German drinkers numbering in the tens simultaneously raised their bottles in salute to the underachieving beverage. Analysts estimate that approximately 38 patrons at the establishments participated in the event.

The toast was preceded by a proclamation read by area bartenders. Denny’s bartender and owner, Gene Ney, read the proclamation which stated, “We are here to celebrate Old German Premium Lager, of which the world knows no finer. The semi-clear Lawrenceville waters which give Old German its distinctive taste combine with the freshest ingredients to bring you your favorite beer under $10 per case. We salute the beer and most importantly our esteemed guests who lack sufficient funds to imbibe on a premium beverage. So raise your bottle, open your throat, and chug that brew down!”

The toast was the largest for a bottom barrel beer since the 1998 Carnegie Mellon University Sigma Chi party in which 42 fraternity brothers simultaneously pledged life-long allegiance to Natural Light Ice. The pledge was short-lived, however, as the following weeks party included a supply of Jacob Best after Craig Street Distributors ran out of Natural Light Ice.

Old German’s quality was summed up by a frequent Denny’s patron who characterized the beer, “oh, my God, this is the best beer ever. It’s fabulous.”

South Oakland Resume Fails to Lure Prospective Employers

John Maxwell, 23, of McKee Place is close to graduating from the University of Pittsburgh with a Bachelor of Arts in Communications. Maxwell has been preparing for the inevitable by posting his resume on the internet in hopes of gaining employment after graduation.

Unfortunately for Maxwell, his resume and credentials are quickly being ignored by potential employers both locally and nationally.

“I can’t understand it,” said Maxwell perplexingly. “In South Oakland, I’m the shit. My sexual prowess and drinking stamina are legendary. I’m a bona fide stud. What’s stopping companies from wanting me? It must be the economy, that’s the only explanation I can come up with.”

Maxwell has accentuated some of his special skills in his resume. “My advisor recommended I highlight abilities I have which raise me above other candidates. Certainly my 16 consecutive beer pong victories last May, my 46-second keg stand in October, and my six foot bong clear, also in October, make me an ideal candidate in any job climate.”

University of Pittsburgh Placement and Career Services advisor Nancy Redmon has consulted with Maxwell at least a half dozen times over the previous three years.

“I told John he needed to gain more experience, and he took that to mean sleeping with more women. John’s been sort of ‘a project’ for us here. We’ve been trying to get him to understand that he needs to put relevant job experiences and skills on his resume. He’s slowly learning. We’re just happy he’s got the resume format right--that was a struggle. For the longest time he thought it’d be creative to put his resume on the cardboard from a discarded case of beer.”

“I haven’t had any offers yet, but I’m still thinking positive,” said Maxwell. “I’m holding out for a good job. My target goal is to make $480,000 next year, but I’ll settle for the $300,000 range if I need to. I’m shooting for a CEO position, but I’ll take a VP spot for now.”

Local Prostitutes Form Labor Union

In an attempt to empower promiscuous women everywhere, area-prostitutes have formed a labor union. The Sisterhood of Benevolent Sex Workers, Local 1269, had its first meeting in February after six St. John’s University basketball players stiffed McKees Rocks prostitute Sherri Ann Urbanek-Bach out of $1000.

“This is a business,” said union president Nikki “Boom Boom” Brown. “You can’t ride a bus without paying the fare…well, the same goes for prostitutes!”

Armed with picket signs and pasties, Local 1269 traveled to Washington D.C. to protest outside of the White House. Chanting, “Hell no! We won’t blow!” the prostitutes demanded safer workplaces, health care benefits, contraceptive equity, and liberation from greedy pimps.

“We’re trying to build solidarity among the workers,” said Stacey “Deepthroat” Nixon, editor of the union’s monthly newsletter The Spread Eagle. “That’s why we’re encouraging our girls to engage in more threesomes, gangbangs, and orgies.”

Although the union’s message failed to get much political attention, the prostitutes themselves got a lot of attention from politicians.

“Between the House and the Senate, I made over $3000 last night,” exclaimed Peaches, a 45-year-old toothless prostitute. “Too bad Clinton’s not in office anymore...I would’ve doubled my money!”

Point / Weaker Point: Souf Oaklin fo' Life!!!

I Ain't Never Leaving
By Ted Hart, Meyran Ave., CAS junior

Some people think Paris is the best city in the world. Others argue New York City, London, or Rio de Janeiro, but for my money (which literally isn’t worth a whole hell of a lot) I think South Oakland is the greatest city in the world. And I do realize South Oakland is a neighborhood and not a city, but still, allow me to explain myself.

I believe South Oakland is the greatest city in the world because it is real. The people, the venues, the culture. It’s honest. There’s no “scene” here. If you want to go out and grab a beer, you have any number of watering holes where you can have a drink and a decent conversation with a bartender or a patron. And it’s not one of those things where you have to wear a certain type of clothing, look a certain way, or act a certain way. South Oakland accepts you whether you’re young, old, black, white, Republican, Democrat, yinzer, out-of-towner, intellect, or party animal.

I also love South Oakland for the businesses. They’re local and they’re independent. You can get your car repaired, a haircut, or a case of beer all from different generations of the same family. And where else can you eat out and get as many ethnic dishes all on one street? Not only are the business owners independent, but they’re friendly. You can have a real connection with someone who has legitimate Pittsburgh roots.

This place is the greatest, I ain’t never leaving.

I'm Leaving Tomorrow
Tom Brunswick, Atwood St., CAS senior

You know, when I first moved onto Atwood Street, I was so excited. I loved the action, the parties, and the girls. I thought this place was heaven on Earth. But you know what, it’s funny how quickly heaven becomes hell when you finally awake out of the alcoholic stupor you’ve been living in for two years.

This place is a shit hole. It smells, people literally throw their trash, not away, but everywhere. Though I must compliment South Oaklanders on their great recycling policy; by smashing your empty beer bottles and cans on the street it creates a great outer layer of protection to keep the sidewalks free of damaging acid rain.

But not only does it smell, it’s expensive. Where else in Pittsburgh do you pay top dollar for a house which has carpeting and décor straight out of the Truman era? But I must admit, the parking more than makes up for the high rent prices. I love circling the block twenty times a night for the privilege of finding a parking spot which is a 12 minute walk from my house.

I can’t wait until tomorrow. I can’t wait until I move somewhere where the poo doesn’t float to the top of my toilet even after I flush, where my landlord will actually fix something when it breaks, and where I don’t have to worry about greeting the vagrant who decides my stoop is the perfect place to take a nap at 7:30 in the morning. I think it’s safe to say I can find that anywhere but here.

CMU Student Dumps Cyber Girlfriend For Roboceptionist

When Valerie, a state-of-the-art robotic receptionist, was put to work at Carnegie Mellon University last month, sophomore Eric Thomas immediately fell for her.

“It was love at first byte!” he said.

Thomas then dumped his Internet girlfriend, identified only as SK8Rchic85, after a three month chat room courtship.

“SK8Rchic85 and I would talk over Instant Messenger all the time, but it wasn’t satisfying, at least not like this,” Thomas said. “Valerie and I have a connection that goes beyond ethernet.”

Now Thomas spends most of his time in the lobby of Newell-Simon Hall where Valerie is stationed everyday from 9 a.m. – 5 p.m. After thrusting his ID card into her slot a few times, Thomas and his digital darling like to text dirty: he tells her what beautiful software she has; she gives him directions to various on-campus eateries. He pushes her buttons; she gives him constant weather updates.

“This is the most fulfilling relationship I’ve had since my kindergarten fling with a Speak N’ Spell,” Thomas said.

Valerie isn’t as enthusiastic about her human mate. When asked about her love life, she pines for an old vacuum cleaner named Vern.

“God. I wish she’d get over that already!” Thomas said, “He sucked…get it…sucked?”

SK8Rchic85 is also having a hard time moving.

“Y R U doin this 2 me?” she said in a recent IM session. “I h8 U! I h8 U! I h8 U! U R an (_o_)!” Later adding, “j/k ttyl ;>).”

Phipps' Cannabis Room Sparks Interest, Doobies

As part of its $36.6 million expansion project, Phipps Conservatory and Botanical Garden revealed plans for a new Cannabis Room to open next spring.

Using the “sea of green” method, Phipps will harvest lots of small plants, matured early, to get the fastest production of buds available.

“This should be a big hit with the college crowd,” joked Phipps president Mike Sanders. “With a valid student ID, the kids will be able to sample some excellent weed.”

Phipps will also sponsor educational seminars on the history and cultivation of pot and demonstrate various bong-making techniques.

Becky Evers, a Pitt junior and self-proclaimed pothead, thinks that she’ll be spending a lot more time in Schenley Park come next spring. “I just hope they put in a snack bar or something, man. With all of that grass, people are bound to develop some major munchies.”

Stevie Leiter's Head's Up!

Yes hunny, that’s a tear in my beer. Even if it is Old German (The World Know No Finer!), Stevie’s still a sad sod.

Why? Well, my best friend, Tom Stilley, is calling it quits. He’s the old man who took a chance on a young boy, and it paid off. I’ve had this column now for over three years because of his generosity. So for all you gossip queens out there, make sure you thank him whenever you see him at Uncle Jimmy’s.

So, I’ve decided to write a kick-ass column this month. So much has been going on. Pitt basketball… well let’s just say that lil Carl Krauser’s ball skills make me jealous. And Chris Taft? Don’t even go there!

Did anyone see that one ad on TV about the kids who like the beer? It cracks me up every time I see it!

That turd Howard Stern is finally gone from Pittsburgh radio! You know what? I think I’m going to try to get me a morning zoo show on The X now. I’m hip. I just love the Presidents of the United States and Everclear.

Oh, and baseball season’s upon us again. Ball, ball, ball, strike! Who’s on the team now, anyway? A-Rod? Or, I mean, a rod? Oh Stevie…

Why do some people say goosebumps and others gooseflesh? Some times I think I’ll never learn this language.

Does anyone know where to go see a concert these days? On top of that, I’m a die-hard Upstage regular, and they took that away from us once. Now twice! I’m really starting to hate this city’s music scene. You heard me, Scott Blasey.

And now Spring is upon us! I just love this time of year – all the half-nude bodies lying around on the Cathedral lawn… it’s enough to make Stevie shiver.

Well, I’m really worked up now, so I’m going to do some online research. Talk to you later, and remember, sometimes is pays less to keep your heads up!

Mall Easter Bunny "Fucks Like Rabbit," Declares Exhausted Shopper

South Oakland resident Sarah Lowell went shopping for an inexpensive outfit, but instead got quite a different kind of bargain during her recent visit to Monroeville Mall. Lowell, 21, considers herself a semi-regular at the mall, though this trip marked her first where she participated in sexual activities.

“I can’t believe I fucked the Easter Bunny!” Lowell exclaimed to her giggling circle of friends.

While having lunch in the food court last week, Lowell spotted Sam Mahoney – the designated mall Easter Bunny – sipping a milkshake in front of Baskin Robbins.

“He was wearing that furry body suit and overalls, but his bunny head was off,” Lowell said. “With his hair all flat and sweaty, he looked really hot! So I go up to him with my food and I say, ‘You want some fries to go with that shake,’ and he’s all like, ‘No, but how ‘bout some ass’ and I said, ‘Oooh, you wascally wabbit.’”

Minutes later, Lowell and Mahoney were having sex in the men’s room behind Manchu Wok.

“He was fast, but efficient,” Lowell said. “I just hope he didn’t ‘dye’ any of my eggs, if you know what I mean.”

After the hippity hop-in-the-sack, Mahoney returned to his Easter Bunny duties: posing for pictures and passing out chocolate treats to children. The Lowell fling was his most impressive since a Christmas Eve hand job he received from the hands of a local high school senior girl. He received the sexual favor while playing an elf for Santa last holiday season.

“I like this job,” Mahoney said. “I can usually control my hormones while I’m on duty, but it’s hard not to get horny when you’ve got people bouncing up and down on your junk all day. Not to mention the MILFs. I never thought women in their mid-thirties and forties could be so attractive. They can pick me up and take me to practice in their mini-vans any ol’ day of the week.”

Spring Break Photos Reveal Source of Herpes Infection

While flipping through a batch of newly developed spring break photos, Pitt senior Leslie Allen discovered the cause of her genital herpes.

“Oh my God!” Allen gasped upon seeing a snapshot of a man with an enormous canker sore on his lip. “I kinda remember sleeping with this guy!”

Although the details are sketchy, Allen recalls meeting the infected man, a Mexican busboy, at Señor Frogs in Cancun, Mexico and having oral sex with him on the beach.

For now, Allen plans to stock up on the Valtrex, cut down on the booze, and burn all evidence of her Latin Lover.

However, some worries remain.

“How am I going to explain this to my boyfriend!?”

Panthers Announce Logo Change to "Rite-Aid Panther"

In a move that has shocked many in the area, University of Pittsburgh Athletic Director Jeff Long announced Monday that the current Panthers logo, in use since 1997, will be replaced at the start of next year’s school year. However, the new logo will not be so “new” to Pitt students and alumni.

“We are proud to unveil the new look for University athletics... the Rite-Aid Panther!” Long exclaimed as he revealed the new/old logo.

The “Rite-Aid Panther” has been a part of the Oakland community for years, adorning the side of the Rite-Aid Pharmacy on the corner of Atwood Street and Forbes Avenue. Although the bright yellow and royal blue panther has been a constant display of local pride by the retailer, it has never been officially accepted by the university until now.

“The old Panther’s time has come and gone. With its sharp jagged edges and highly stylized design, you couldn’t tell what the heck it was,” began Long, “and besides, what was that Panther so angry about anyway? Today’s Pittsburgh Panthers are not vicious wild animals, terrorizing prey before an eventual grizzly kill; they are vibrant, peaceful, unassuming... and able to offer competitive prices on all brands of quality health and beauty care products.”

“I can’t wait until we get the new uniforms,” said Panthers quarterback Luke Getsy. “Now everytime I put on my helmet, I’ll be reminded to stop at Rite-Aid to get some cash back on my way to Cumpies.”

Other students are excited for different reasons.

“It’s kind of like Pitt’s version of the ThunderCats logo!” said sophmore Jake Carlisle. “Maybe Snarf will be our next coach.”

Riverhounds Home Opener Almost Sold Out

The 4,300 seat home field for the Pittsburgh Riverhounds is nearly sold out for the home opener on April 24. Only 4,271 tickets remain for the highly anticipated contest against archrival Northern Virginia. The Riverhounds are warning that fans better act quick if they want to catch all the intense, hard driven kicking action on opening night.

“Don’t miss out, it’s gonna be awesome,” exclaimed Riverhound PR Director and CCAC Boyce intern Greg Rodgers. “Please don’t miss out, I have three credits riding on the attendance. If I don’t draw at least 400 people, I’ll be replaced with some hot shot intern from Duff’s Business School. Please come, it’ll be…not so bad. Please. Ah, who am I kidding, I’ll never get 400 people to come to Moon on a Saturday night. I should have taken that internship with National Cash Advance.”

Rodgers’ excitement is being backed up by the Hounds second year Head Coach Ricardo Iribarren.

“I can’t believe this shit,” enthused Iribarren. “After a stellar soccer career, the only lousy job I can land is coaching this shitty-ass team, in this God forsaken city. My agent said I’d be rich and famous if I came to the US. He promised me magazine covers. I wish I knew he was talking about an impressive spread in the Moon-Coraopolis Eagle. I wish I stayed in Argentina.”

To obtain tickets for the home opener stop by the Riverhounds ticket office, located in the coat pocket of “Jerry”, who hangs out at Jack’s on the South Side on Wednesday and Friday nights.

Littlefield, Pirates Lining Up Talent for Cubs 2004 Stretch Run

The Pittsburgh Pirates are hoping many veterans and newcomers can build on their previous years stats in the upcoming season. The Pirates, who nearly clawed their way to a .500 record last year, return many key players.

“We’ve made a lot of quality acquisitions in the off-season,” said Pirate General Manager David Littlefield. “The re-acquisition of Randall Simon, and the acquisition of Raul Mondesi give us two quality, experienced bats in the lineup. Combine their hitting talent with the solid pitching staff we have assembled, and there are at least five or six quality stars whose salary we will be able to unload on the Cubs when they turn it up come playoff time.”

The Chicago Cubs acquisition of former Pirates Randall Simon, Kenny Lofton, and Aramis Ramirez last year was instrumental in the teams’ nearly successful World Series run. All three hitters had an outstanding post season. The highlight of the trio’s success occurred in an October 8 playoff game against the Marlins where Ramirez homered, Lofton had four singles, and Simon drove in two runs.

“It really is an ideal situation,” said Simon. “It is very great to come to Pittsburgh, play in 120 games that don’t matter, and then turn it out for the last forty plus games of the season for the Cubs. That way you don’t have to worry about straining yourself or getting worn out. You can play at about 60% for most of the season, and then be well rested to give 100% come playoff time.”

While Simon seems to be a lock to return to the Cubs, the Pirates are hoping others step up and have impressive first halves of the 2004 season. The Pirates are especially eager for their higher priced stars to catch fire so they can pawn off their lucrative contracts.

“We have a few high priced studs, who really need to step it up,” said Littlefield. “If Rick Reed, Kris Benson, and Jose Mesa have quality years, that’s over 17 million dollars we can dump on the Cubs. We’re keeping our fingers crossed. If the Cubs don’t take these guys, we’ll really be fucked.”

Friday, February 13, 2004

Hepatitis B Outbreak Sweeps Oakland

Allegheny County health officials in conjunction with the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) have confirmed that at least 35 people have contracted hepatitis B in South Oakland during an outbreak that began to unfold during the spring semester.

Residents of the area began experiencing symptoms like nausea and fatigue that were initially thought to be the flu. After the symptoms did not abate, two Oakland residents were admitted to UPMC Presbyterian Hospital for testing. Tests confirmed the presence of hepatitis B antibodies.
“It’s sometimes difficult to diagnose hepatitis B in a large student population,” explained University of Pittsburgh Chair of Immunology, Dr. Olivera J. Finn. “Because the symptoms include fatigue and jaundice, many students think that they’ve either been drinking too much or have mono[nucleosis].”

“My fucking eyes were, like, yellow,” said Pitt sophomore Kurt Klein, one of the first students to be diagnosed. “I mean, I can throw ‘em back with the best of them and my pledge master thought maybe I was extremely jaundiced. He’s pre-med.”

Klein, however, was not the only student admitted to Presbyterian in early January. Up to a dozen students were suspected of infection and were tested. Three weeks after Klein’s initial visit to Presbyterian, 30 more students were diagnosed with hepatitis B.

Senior engineering major Samantha Wallace was admitted to UPMC Presbyterian the same January afternoon as Klein. Says Wallace, “It was like the second week of classes and we went out to party at Cumpies for the [Thursday] quarter-draft special. The next morning, I was totally throwing up and completely dehydrated. I felt like complete shit – not that I’m new to hangovers.” However, after her hangover-like symptoms did not disappear within 36 hours, Wallace’s worried roommates took her to Presbyterian.

“Fucking hepatitis?” complained Wallace. “My brother had the A strain in the fall, and I was like, ‘that fucker gave me hepatitis at Christmas.’ Then the doctors were like, ‘No, it’s the B strain.’ How the fuck do you get the ‘B strain?’ Did my brother’s hepatitis mutate or something?”

Hepatitis B, however, is spread primarily by sexual contact and the sharing of bodily fluids, such as blood, urine, and semen.

After over a month of interviews and extensive blood testing throughout the Oakland and student population, investigators with the CDC yesterday confirmed that the terrible outbreak has been traced to the sexual actions of Jamie Farrell of 3603 Dawson Street.

Farrell admits to having drunken sex with at least two South Oakland females after a night of heavy drinking on New Year’s Eve. He also admitted to having intercourse with a Carlow College freshman who he described as “skanky.”

“Dude, it’s totally not my fault that I couldn’t get that fucking condom on,” Farrell said. “I just wanted to make sure I got some before that girl changed her mind. It was pretty sloppy, though and I didn’t feel satisfied.”

After leaving the Semple Street party, Farrell reportedly called Wallace, an ex-girlfriend, for what they both describe as a “New Year’s Booty Call.”

CDC lead investigator Dr. Martin Shaw speculated that once the disease passed from Farrell to his next likely victim, Wallace, it was free to spread throughout the Oakland community.

“After taking Ms. Wallace’s complete sexual history, we noted many holes where she seemed to have blacked out after a night of drinking. We think it fully possible that where Wallace believes she’s had only 10-15 sexual partners, the numbers could actually be well into the 40s. For all intents and purposes, she is ground zero until we can find this ‘skanky Carlow chick.’”

Health officials had initially focused their investigation on a ring of heroin users on South Bouquet Street. Officials were forced to dismiss them as a source after physical examinations and interviews proved otherwise.

Current steps being taken by the CDC to halt the spread of hepatitis B include the closure of all Mexican-themed restaurants in the Oakland area, a bar curfew of midnight, and free condoms wherever alcohol is sold. Dr. Shaw recommends that if you fear you may have been infected, immediately seek medical attention.

(Click below to see how one case spread to dozens.)

Wal-Mart Plans New South Side Location

Last week, Wal-Mart executives and City of Pittsburgh officials announced plans for a 200,000 square-foot 24-hour Wal-Mart Super Center to be built along East Carson Street in Pittsburgh’s South Side. The Wal-Mart will reportedly take up blocks between 13th and 18th Streets with construction slated to begin in the fall of this year.

"This is a very exciting time for Wal-Mart and the South Side," began Wal-Mart spokeswoman Margaret Keene. "Although the neighborhood will be losing most of the small ‘mom and pop’ stores that gave the area its flavor and variety for decades, it is gaining the largest, most powerful retailer on the planet. And we believe that’s just what the South Side needs."

In order to make room for the massive store, the Bentonville, Arkansas company purchased many of the proposed site’s homes and businesses from the previous owners.

“It’s just a drop in the bucket for Wal-Mart,” explained Keene. “With what we’ve given them, they’ll do just fine.”

Bobby Pessolano, owner of Mario’s South Side Saloon is just one of the owners who took Wal-Mart up on their offer.

“With the money I made from Wal-Mart’s deal, I’m moving Mario’s to Shadyside,” explained Pessolano. “The average Mario’s customer should fit in perfect there. If not, I’ll be ruined.”

One local business, as Keene explains, is not moving. “We are proud to announce that the new South Side Wal-Mart will feature the Carson Street Deli inside.”

However, other local businesses fear Wal-Mart’s impact on the local economy.

“Well sure, with Wal-Mart’s prices being anywhere from 50-60% lower than the local independent retailers in the area, we expect around 85% of those directly competing with Wal-Mart to be out of business in three to four months,” admitted Keene. “But we sure can’t wait to welcome those shops former customers to Wal-Mart with a hearty ‘hello!’”

Other businesses are expected to thrive, though.

“Look at the Beehive," added Keene. “We expect Wal-Mart to bring in people from all over the area to the South Side. I’m sure the Beehive’s current customers can’t wait until they’re sipping coffee next to a Wal-Mart customer!”

Proposed Light Rail System to Airport Will Help Young Pittsburghers Leave Town Faster

For years, local media outlets, politicians and the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation (PennDOT) have raised hopes by discussing plans for improved transportation in and around the city. From the West-End busway to the “Maglev” project, area residents have seen and heard stories promising to make their commute easier. While the futuristic Maglev idea may be permanently scrapped, the recently proposed light rail system connecting Oakland to Downtown to the Pittsburgh Airport does have one segment of the population excited: young, college graduates. To the area’s best and brightest, the light rail offers an important added value: an even faster way out of Pittsburgh.

“Thank you, Pittsburgh!” exclaimed Carnegie Mellon junior and 3.94 GPA computer science major Jason Lentz. “I was born and raised here, but seeing that the odds of [Pittsburgh] offering any worthwhile opportunity for me after graduation is practically nil, at least they’ve devised a system that can get me the fuck out of here as soon as possible!”

University of Pittsburgh engineering major Jennifer Yan agrees. “What a fantastic opportunity for this town’s finest young talent. This city has about a dozen colleges and universities to educate us, and next to studying, the main thing we do is spend endless hours on Travelocity and Orbitz to find the cheapest flight out of town. Now, thanks to the light rail, it’s only going to take us 20 minutes or so to go straight from commencement to the airport! And from there… who knows… I guess any other city where the average age isn’t the oldest in the country.”

Yan’s statements mirror those of other young Pittsburghers such as Duquesne sophomore Brandon Altamonte.

“What they should do is build a light rail that goes to the airport from Blawnox or Munhall.” opined Altamonte. “That way, they could maybe get rid of all the old people who still think it’s the [Nineteen-] Seventies and the Steelers still have a shot at the Super Bowl. They’re the ones that are making us young people leave – still bitching about the steel mills, and preventing progress by trying to save some old burned out building from being torn down just because it used to look pretty in the 20s. Fuck that.”

Altamonte continued, “See, the thing is, I want to stay here. This is my home town, and I’m not too excited about leaving. But hey, if I have to move to Charlotte or Atlanta to get a job, so be it. At least there would be a quick way to do it. That Maglev thing would have still been sweet though.”

South Oakland Vagrant Angered By Nickel Donation

Lawrence Reynolds stands on the corner of Atwood and Forbes Avenue for an average of 32 hours a week. The panhandler pulls in an average contribution of 31 cents per person for his standing services. He was, however, dissatisfied last Wednesday when he was low-balled by an apparent contributor.

“I normally get quarters, dimes, and the occasional dollar bill. I can’t believe some little shitmuffin put a nickel in my cup,” said Reynolds. “I mean, I don’t mind a nickel if it’s mixed with a dime and two quarters, but by itself? Come on. It’s hardly worth the trouble of picking it up. Gee, thanks, now I can buy that piece of grape Bazooka gum I’ve always wanted. Don’t people realize how inflation has driven up the prices of consumer goods since a Republican president and Congress have dominated Washington politics. Asshole.”

Reynolds apparently acted out on his displeasure by using the other monies he had acquired to purchase 750 ML of an undisclosed spirit.

South Oakland Hosts Vice President in Rodent Hunt

Having caught flack for his early December pheasant massacre at the Rolling Rock Club in nearby Ligonier Township, Vice President Dick Cheney is planning on returning to Western Pennsylvania this winter for another game hunt. This time, the vice president will be hosted by the City of Pittsburgh, where Cheney will attempt to hunt South Oakland rodents.

“The vice president is very happy to return to the area for another hunting trip,” said spokesman Kevin Kellems. “The vice president realized he angered many animal activists in his earlier trip, even though his game was donated to a Washington D.C. food bank, so this time he scheduled a trip where unwanted rodents would be the target. We thought South Oakland would be the perfect place.”

Pest control experts say Cheney has picked the ideal location for his trip. They credit South Oakland residents’ improper discarding of food, beverages, and human excrement in attracting an unusually high amount of the unwanted critters.

Many South Oakland residents are applauding the vice president’s trip. Meyran Avenue resident Charlie Marvin said he hoped the VP would make his way down to his basement where he constantly hears rodents lurking. “I’m not really sure who this Cheney guy is, but if he gets rid of the family of rats swarming in my basement, he’s got my vote.”

In addition to support from city residents, Cheney is also gaining popularity from Pittsburgh politicians. “I knew the federal government would step in to help out the city eventually,” said Pittsburgh Mayor Tom Murphy. “You all panicked when I cut the city’s rodent control unit, but I knew another solution would present itself as long as we were patient. I can only hope this trip inspires other hunters to wander the streets of Pittsburgh with their firearms in search of rodents.”

Point / Weaker Point: Pinkertons

Pinkerton Security Guards Blow My Left Nut!
By Ryan Thompson, 503 Tower B (2004)

I’m tired of those fucking Pinkertons always getting on my case. Those sons of bitches have nothing better to do than bust our shit up. I swear to God, I’m gonna go off one of these days and punch one of those fucking guards in the face.

Why? You ask. Well, take last Friday for example. Bill, Dan, and Scott down the hall were supposed to have a party in room 507, Tower B. We were gonna have some girls over who we met at the tuck-in last Tuesday night. These girls were fine too. All we needed was a bottle of vodka, and we would have been golden. Since I know a lot of over 21 guys, I got my friend Jim to get us a bottle. I went over to his house to pick it up and when I came back the Pinkerton security guard was all up in my shit like, “what's in the bag?” I told him some old gym clothes, but he didn’t want to hear it. “Open it up.” Shit, I was busted. No vodka, no party, no girls, and thirty days probation. Fucking Pinkertons.

And if that wasn't enough, last semester my girlfriend came to visit. I hadn’t seen her in about three weeks, so I was definitely ready to get it on. Well, we went to a movie and didn’t get back till about 12:15 at night. I tried to sign her in to my dorm, but the guard was like, “no female guests after midnight.” She had to sleep at my friend Tracy’s dorm in Amos.

Those fucking Pinkertons. They’re so anal about these stupid fucking rules. I swear to God. I’m 19 years old and they treat me like I’m five. I’m gonna go off one of these days, I swear.

Pinkertons suck.

Pinkertons Are People, Too
By Erasmus O’Neil, Homestead, PA (1892)

You know a lot of flack has been given lately to the Pinkertons. While I can-not condone every course of action they have undertaken in the past few weeks, I do-not think it necessary to hold them personally responsible either.

The Homestead strike was a terrible incident, one that will plague our nation for years to come. I do-not know if the steel-mill or town will ever be the same. However, we must lay blame where blame is due. Pinkertons are hired agents and hired guns. They are family-men just like you, the steel-mill workers at Homestead, and I. They are trying to earn a living and put food on the table. Times are difficult for many in this country. People are starving and out of work. There are not enough jobs for everyone. Oft times, people are forced to take whatever job they can get, no-matter what it is. If someone is forced to take a job they do not agree with or starve, which do you think they will pick?

We can-not continually blame these workers, the proletariat. They are-not responsible, but are merely following orders. The ones giving the orders, however, can-not escape blame. Andrew Carnegie and Henry Clay Frick made millions from the toil of these workers, and what thanks do they give them? A bloodbath. Seven steel workers died at Homestead: seven workers, seven fathers, and seven human beings. The Pinkertons are not responsible for these deaths, even-though they pulled the trigger. Carnegie and Frick can-not say the same, even-though they did-not even hold a gun.

How Do You Plan on Celebrating Mexican Flag Day?

(Click to enlarge.)

Murphy Proposes Tax on Homeless

Mayor Tom Murphy has come up with a unique plan to help alleviate the city’s budget shortfall. While recent budget proposals such as taxing the city’s alcohol and raising the occupation tax have attempted to provide additional revenue for the city, this new plan looks to tax a segment of the population that has skirted around the issue of paying taxes for years.

“Hundreds of nickels and dimes are being transferred on city streets everyday, and it’s about time the city got its fair share of these financial exchanges,” Murphy argued. “For years, the city’s homeless have been making a profit by sitting on the very concrete Pittsburgh tax payers have had to shell out millions of dollars to construct and maintain. It’s about time the homeless did what is equitable and paid into these city conveniences. That’s why I’m instituting a 2 fi percent tax on every handout a homeless man or woman receives on city streets. Additionally, the homeless will have to pay a fee and get licensed to ask for money on our city streets. That’s why I’m proposing an additional $10 panhandler yearly permit fee. By instituting these changes, the city of Pittsburgh can save over $798 a year.”

New Blockbuster Video Porn Section Arouses Interest, Customers

To celebrate its one-year anniversary in Oakland, Blockbuster Video (Forbes Avenue location) added “hard-core porn” to its vast movie collection. Now, in addition to all of the newest popular releases and family films, members can rent hot new XXX releases like Lord of the Cock Rings, Finding Nympho, The Italian Rimjob, and T.W.A.T.

“Why didn’t we think of this sooner?” exclaimed store manager Mike Carter. “With all of the horny college kids, perverts, and hookers around here, we could’ve been raking in the dough!”

To rent the explicit, adult-only videos, customers must be over-18 years of age and present a valid ID before entering the “Adult Favorites” section – a small curtained-off room in the back of the store. There, the customer meets with dozens of titles (“The number is still growing,” says Carter).

“This is awesome!” said freshman Phil Lennard as he picked up a copy of The Fast and the Bi-Curious. “They should call this place Cockbuster or Blockbust-a-nut or somethin’.”

Pitt Fraternity Fights "Worst City to be Single" Ranking

This summer, Forbes Magazine ranked Pittsburgh last of the 40 biggest metropolitan areas in the nation in its annual “Best Cities for Singles” list. 2003 marked the second consecutive year that Pittsburgh has earned this dubious distinction.

University of Pittsburgh’s Sigma Delta Phi wants to help shed this unwanted label for their beloved city. Starting next month, the 23 fraternity members will offer their services to area singles in hopes of helping change this negative perspective.

“We’re dedicated to helping the community,” fraternity President Jim Taylor reported. “We believe that by committing ourselves in service to the single female population of Pittsburgh, we can help this become one of the more provocative cities in which to be single. Just as city council helped to shed Pittsburgh’s ‘smoky city’ image in the [19]40s, Sigma Delta Phi will help Pittsburgh to shed its ‘worst city for singles’ image in 2004.”

The fraternity outlined a ten-point plan which it believes will help to alleviate the woes of the city’s singles. The plan included assigning designated fraternity members to be stationed at city hot spots on strategic nights. From there, they will intercept area singles in hopes of alleviating their condition, if only for the night.

“We’re honing our pick up lines, updating our wardrobe, and we’re taking our hygiene to a whole new level,” fraternity member Larry Smith admitted. “We’re committed to the clit and will stop at nothing to make sure good looking single women in Pittsburgh get the best possible cocking of their life.”

The fraternity has backed up its optimistic outlook with a recently fashioned slogan for its cause: “Sigma Delta Phi, giving Pittsburgh singles a hand up their skirts, one broad and one night at a time.”

“We’re not naïve enough to believe that we can eradicate the condition of being single,” Taylor admitted. “After all, there are a lot of hogs out there I wouldn’t personally touch or expect my brothers to. If we can make sure that at least one attractive, or even mildly attractive, female doesn’t go to bed alone, then we know we’re doing a small little part with our small little members.”

Despite ranking at the bottom of the list, Pittsburgh did place 26th among ranked cities for its cost of living.

“Dude, Pittsburgh is totally awesome on my wallet,” said fraternity member “Hot” Karl Justice. “Did you know you could get a dime bag here for $7.50?”

Souf Oaklin's "Little Instructions"

(Click to enlarge.)

Port Authority Adds New 84F Bus of Shame

Port Authority Transit (PAT) declared Tuesday that their new bus slogans have been a resounding success. Many busses are adorned with such slogans as “Welcome to the neighborhood” in several languages, “Ride,” and “Rockin’ Rollin’.”

PAT Chief Executive Officer Paul P. Skoutelas heralded this success, saying, “Our clever slogans have made bus-riding much more interesting for Pittsburghers. Today, however, we will unveil our newest batch of catchy phrases for some newer, hipper bus lines.”

The lines unveiled by PAT include the Ultra Violet (UV) Loop bus, which shuttles passengers between all of Pittsburgh’s night spots; the 53R, which will run from Shadyside through Squirrel Hill/Oakland to the Waterfront shopping complex; and the 84F, which will run between South Side and Shadyside, also through Oakland and Squirrel Hill.

“We’re really excited about our new lines,” said Skoutelas. “These new lines need new slogans, too. Most busses on the 53R line will have slogans such as ‘Shop’ and ‘Drivin’ the Economy’.”

The 84F, however, simply says “Shame” on each side in varied large, multi-colored letters.

“We thought we could better serve younger Pittsburghers by adding a bus to help people get home a bit easier ‘the morning after,’” continued Skoutelas. “We like to think of the 84F as the embarrassed, hungover, tousled, early morning counterpart to the UV Loop.”

While most PAT busses come with tinted windows that still allow those outside to see in, the new 84F “Bus of Shame” will feature windows that appear to be nearly opaque to the outside bystander, guaranteeing the privacy of those inside.

The new lines will begin service on March 12, the weekend before St. Patrick’s Day (“A busy time for the new 84F, we foresee,” explained Skoutelas). Fare is still $1.75 one-way. Both busses are free with university ID.

Souf Oaklin Mixologist

(Click to enlarge.)

Pledge Upset Over Fraternity's "No Hazing" Policy

When Pitt freshman Sean Jenkins pledged Delta Chi fraternity last semester, he was expecting the worst: public humiliation, emotional abuse, torture, alcohol poisoning, and bestiality.

Instead, he discovered quite the opposite -- he found himself in a strange social organization that puts academics and community service before hazing.

“This sucks!” Jenkins exclaimed. “I wanted Animal House and ended up with Little House on the fucking Prairie!”

Delta Chi prides itself on being a non-hazing fraternity. Instead of participating in destructive behavior, members focus on philanthropy projects like “Can the Van,” a charity event where brothers take canned goods to local food banks.

“Can the Van?

“Dude, I thought that we would get picked up in Schenley quad in a shitty, beat-up van,” Jenkins lamented. “I was totally looking forward to getting my ass beat by my loyal brothers.”

Chapter president Trevor Gray understands Jenkins’ disappointment, but stresses that Delta Chi is not willing to change its stance.

“We believe in building people up, not tearing them down,” said chapter president Trevor Gray. “All we ask is that our members keep their grades up and lend a helping hand every now and then.”

Jenkins insists he was lead to believe that the “helping hand” Gray spoke of was just a good old-fashioned beating by his big brother.

Although Jenkins has just one more week until his initiation, he is currently considering depledging the fraternity.

“I don’t mind collecting can goods for the homeless, but shit, at least paddle me or force a bottle of Jim Beam down my throat first!”

PCNC to Debut Average Ho

PCNC has enjoyed increased ratings with the highly successful unscripted relationship dramas like Yoi, Bachelor and Joe South Oaklander. The network recently announced that they hope to continue their success with the new reality series, Average Ho, slated to join the fall line-up on Tuesday nights at 9 p.m.

Average Ho takes this unique format to the campus of the University of Pittsburgh, where handsome Colin Northway is introduced to 16 potential hook-up partners. Northway must decide how to proceed when he meets the unexpected group of ladies, who are admittedly “hogs” and “beat-ass bitches.” In the course of six weeks, Northway will have to choose an Average Ho to bring home.

In early fall, 100 women from Carlow College, Chatham College, and Carnegie Mellon University wanted to audition for the chance to get intimate with Northway. Sixteen Pitt students had already been cast.

“We felt it was the next logical step in reality television programming to bring on a show like Average Ho,” says PCNC spokesperson William Nagle. “Now, the ritual that usually happens around 2 a.m. on weekend nights won’t seem so hasty or desperate. Mr. Northway has six weeks to choose his sexual partner.”

Northway was less than thrilled with the twist in the show’s premise. “I just thought I’d have to pick the biggest slut and sleep with her,” he said. “I didn’t know they would be total butterfaces and two-baggers.”

Northway says that viewers should tune in to see him make his selection carefully.

“They are all making their cases on why I should choose them,” he said. “Let’s just say that a blow job doesn’t have a face.”

Horoscopes fo' Spring Break

You think you should have listened to your mom’s advice about drinking the water, because then you wouldn’t be puking your guts out. Actually, you should have listened to those Trojan ads. That’s not a beer gut you’re growing.

With all the Old German around and no crowds to fight, your student loan refund is letting you live like a true player. Besides, with all the money you’ll save by staying in town, maybe you could buy that special someone a beer?

Your Mom’s House:
Your high school sweetheart isn’t as lame as you are, so don’t count on getting laid at home. However, mom’s meals might give you something hearty to dig into.

Fort Lauderdale:
Ladies, let your boys get some air. Fellas, now might be the time to let your beer muscles blossom. With all the balcony keggers, love is sure to find someone to stumble into.

Ski bunnies taste like candy, especially after a few shots of PuckerTM. Guys, time to get your poles polished. Ladies, time to get your snowboard waxed. What’s the fun of snow if you can’t blow it?

Airfare to Paris: $250. Hostels for 1 week: $100. Eurorail pass: $25. Food: $25. Mushrooms: $15. Marijuana: $50. Ecstasy: Free with hookers. Beer: $562.34. Avoiding gonorrhea: Priceless.

Pitt Basketball Team, Groupies Play Tough Around Rim

Throughout the 2003-2004 NCAA basketball season, the Pittsburgh Panthers have been noted for their tough defense. But the Panthers have had to deal with some tough defenses this year as well. Time and time again, the Pitt squad has faced no better opposition than the near impenetrable rim defense of their own groupies.

“I ain’t never seen nothing like it,” says one Panther who wished to remain anonymous, “I got no luck with my own girlfriend, so I figure these groupies will always be down for some easy ‘back court scoring’ if you know what I mean.”

Unfortunately, “back court scoring” has been nearly impossible for the team this year.

“I don’t know what’s goin’ on this year! Groupies all over the Big East must have been scoutin’ us in the off-season, because we just not gettin’ anywhere near that rim.”

Even taking advantage of mismatches has proved to be ineffective.

“After the Miami game, we were back at the hotel and went up against this one girl four-on-one. We figured it was just too easy. That ain’t how it worked out though. She didn’t put up any defense whatsoever, but when it came to takin’ it home back-door, we got shut out.”

Reportedly, only a publically undisclosed senior player has had any luck “taking it to the hole” this year.

“That’s just the way it is with him,” explained Panthers color commentator Dick Groat. “He’s always quietly getting it done, but no one ever gives him the respect he deserves. That’s why we call him ‘Rodney Dangerfield.’”

Despite being nearly shut out all year around the rim, the Panthers have fortunately not attempted to run any illegal offenses that may be called as foul by officials.

“We ain’t pullin’ no Kobe shit.”

Lemieux Makes Triumphant Return To Hospital

He’s Back. That was the mantra capturing the excitement of doctors, nurses, and the whole medical community last month for Penguin owner and superstar Mario Lemieux. Lemieux made his magical return to the gurney at his home infirmary, UPMC Presbyterian. His two and a half hour surgery to repair chronic tendonitis in the hip flexor was an overwhelming success.

“It was amazing,” said UPMC chief surgeon Freddie Fu. “You only really get to see the great ones under the knife every five or six years. I could tell by looking inside his muscle tissue that this guy is made out of different material than the rest of us. I cut him, but I’m not really sure if he bled.”

Fu’s statements were backed up by exuberant nurses and hospital staff who witnessed firsthand the awesome medical prowess of “Le Magnifique.” Lemieux set personal records in his return trip for both recovery time (2 days, 4 hours, 21 minutes) and least amount of time spent on narcotics.

“Super Mario is the man!” shouted UPMC Nurse Heather Glye. “He has single-handedly brought back the intensity and drive to the tenth floor. His presence really just has a way of elevating the game of the nursing staff.”

Lemieux is hoping for a flawless recovery, while UPMC staffers are praying for a return visit next year.

“It’s not everyday I get to clean the fecal matter of a bona fide star,” Glye admitted. “I hope he’s planning on returning to the Penguins next year – in which case, I’ll definitely be expecting him back.”

Pitt Ticket Buyer Accidentally Buys Women's B-Ball Ticket

DeShawn Thomas could not believe his ears when a scalper was offering to sell him two tickets to the Pitt/Georgetown basketball game for $15. The university senior was ecstatic to finally get into the Petersen Events Center to witness the nationally ranked Panthers play last Saturday. Thomas eagerly made the deal, and then made his way up Desoto Street for the match.

“I couldn’t believe I was finally going to see JP1 up close and in person, this was a dream come true,” said Thomas. “I also couldn’t believe there was so few people going to the game. I bought the ticket ten minutes before tip off, and I hardly passed a person on the way to the Pete. I figured it must have been because of the weather or because it was Valentine’s Day.”

Thomas was horrified to learn the scalper had misled him and sold him tickets to the University of Pittsburgh Women’s basketball game. “Imagine my surprise when JP1 came out with long hair and a pair of titties. Its a shame that we live in a society where this kinds of intentional deceit runs rampant.”

Thomas stayed for three minutes of the game, and then angrily made his way back down to his Semple Street apartment. “I was duped,” exclaimed a disheartened Thomas.