Friday, February 13, 2004

Lemieux Makes Triumphant Return To Hospital

He’s Back. That was the mantra capturing the excitement of doctors, nurses, and the whole medical community last month for Penguin owner and superstar Mario Lemieux. Lemieux made his magical return to the gurney at his home infirmary, UPMC Presbyterian. His two and a half hour surgery to repair chronic tendonitis in the hip flexor was an overwhelming success.

“It was amazing,” said UPMC chief surgeon Freddie Fu. “You only really get to see the great ones under the knife every five or six years. I could tell by looking inside his muscle tissue that this guy is made out of different material than the rest of us. I cut him, but I’m not really sure if he bled.”

Fu’s statements were backed up by exuberant nurses and hospital staff who witnessed firsthand the awesome medical prowess of “Le Magnifique.” Lemieux set personal records in his return trip for both recovery time (2 days, 4 hours, 21 minutes) and least amount of time spent on narcotics.

“Super Mario is the man!” shouted UPMC Nurse Heather Glye. “He has single-handedly brought back the intensity and drive to the tenth floor. His presence really just has a way of elevating the game of the nursing staff.”

Lemieux is hoping for a flawless recovery, while UPMC staffers are praying for a return visit next year.

“It’s not everyday I get to clean the fecal matter of a bona fide star,” Glye admitted. “I hope he’s planning on returning to the Penguins next year – in which case, I’ll definitely be expecting him back.”

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