Horoscopes fo' Spring Break

Cancun:
You think you should have listened to your mom’s advice about drinking the water, because then you wouldn’t be puking your guts out. Actually, you should have listened to those Trojan ads. That’s not a beer gut you’re growing.

Denny’s:
With all the Old German around and no crowds to fight, your student loan refund is letting you live like a true player. Besides, with all the money you’ll save by staying in town, maybe you could buy that special someone a beer?

Your Mom’s House:
Your high school sweetheart isn’t as lame as you are, so don’t count on getting laid at home. However, mom’s meals might give you something hearty to dig into.

Fort Lauderdale:
Ladies, let your boys get some air. Fellas, now might be the time to let your beer muscles blossom. With all the balcony keggers, love is sure to find someone to stumble into.

Aspen:
Ski bunnies taste like candy, especially after a few shots of PuckerTM. Guys, time to get your poles polished. Ladies, time to get your snowboard waxed. What’s the fun of snow if you can’t blow it?

Europe:
Airfare to Paris: $250. Hostels for 1 week: $100. Eurorail pass: $25. Food: $25. Mushrooms: $15. Marijuana: $50. Ecstasy: Free with hookers. Beer: $562.34. Avoiding gonorrhea: Priceless.