Friday, February 13, 2004

South Oakland Hosts Vice President in Rodent Hunt

Having caught flack for his early December pheasant massacre at the Rolling Rock Club in nearby Ligonier Township, Vice President Dick Cheney is planning on returning to Western Pennsylvania this winter for another game hunt. This time, the vice president will be hosted by the City of Pittsburgh, where Cheney will attempt to hunt South Oakland rodents.

“The vice president is very happy to return to the area for another hunting trip,” said spokesman Kevin Kellems. “The vice president realized he angered many animal activists in his earlier trip, even though his game was donated to a Washington D.C. food bank, so this time he scheduled a trip where unwanted rodents would be the target. We thought South Oakland would be the perfect place.”

Pest control experts say Cheney has picked the ideal location for his trip. They credit South Oakland residents’ improper discarding of food, beverages, and human excrement in attracting an unusually high amount of the unwanted critters.

Many South Oakland residents are applauding the vice president’s trip. Meyran Avenue resident Charlie Marvin said he hoped the VP would make his way down to his basement where he constantly hears rodents lurking. “I’m not really sure who this Cheney guy is, but if he gets rid of the family of rats swarming in my basement, he’s got my vote.”

In addition to support from city residents, Cheney is also gaining popularity from Pittsburgh politicians. “I knew the federal government would step in to help out the city eventually,” said Pittsburgh Mayor Tom Murphy. “You all panicked when I cut the city’s rodent control unit, but I knew another solution would present itself as long as we were patient. I can only hope this trip inspires other hunters to wander the streets of Pittsburgh with their firearms in search of rodents.”

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