South Oakland Resume Fails to Lure Prospective Employers

John Maxwell, 23, of McKee Place is close to graduating from the University of Pittsburgh with a Bachelor of Arts in Communications. Maxwell has been preparing for the inevitable by posting his resume on the internet in hopes of gaining employment after graduation.

Unfortunately for Maxwell, his resume and credentials are quickly being ignored by potential employers both locally and nationally.

“I can’t understand it,” said Maxwell perplexingly. “In South Oakland, I’m the shit. My sexual prowess and drinking stamina are legendary. I’m a bona fide stud. What’s stopping companies from wanting me? It must be the economy, that’s the only explanation I can come up with.”

Maxwell has accentuated some of his special skills in his resume. “My advisor recommended I highlight abilities I have which raise me above other candidates. Certainly my 16 consecutive beer pong victories last May, my 46-second keg stand in October, and my six foot bong clear, also in October, make me an ideal candidate in any job climate.”

University of Pittsburgh Placement and Career Services advisor Nancy Redmon has consulted with Maxwell at least a half dozen times over the previous three years.

“I told John he needed to gain more experience, and he took that to mean sleeping with more women. John’s been sort of ‘a project’ for us here. We’ve been trying to get him to understand that he needs to put relevant job experiences and skills on his resume. He’s slowly learning. We’re just happy he’s got the resume format right--that was a struggle. For the longest time he thought it’d be creative to put his resume on the cardboard from a discarded case of beer.”

“I haven’t had any offers yet, but I’m still thinking positive,” said Maxwell. “I’m holding out for a good job. My target goal is to make $480,000 next year, but I’ll settle for the $300,000 range if I need to. I’m shooting for a CEO position, but I’ll take a VP spot for now.”