Sunday, April 25, 2004

South Oakland Drunk Dials Pitt

After years of complaining about the treatment by its sexually abusive neighbor, South Oakland’s secret desires were revealed in a candid, libation fueled telephone conversation late last Thursday evening. In the phone call, South Oakland lamented that it has tried to have relations with other institutions and no one has been able to satisfy them like the 217 year old university.

“I don’t want to love Pitt, after all it has done to us,” Oakland Business Improvement District (OBID) head Nancy Cudrey reported. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get over its aggressive land snatching with its penetrating use of eminent domain. Pitt doesn’t recognize that we have feelings, they just treat us like a second class zone.”

Despite Cudrey’s firm words of antagonism, her late night phone call revealed a different philosophy.

“We want you back, even if it’s just one more acquisition,” Cudrey was overheard sobbing during the call. “Whatever you want, whenever you want, all you have to do is call and it’s yours. You want Cumpie’s, Wiener’s Business Machines, no problem. Take them. We’ll even throw in a parking lot. Just take something, I want you to want us again. It’s been so long. I want you to make us feel desirable again. I want, that, just one, oh, why [sic].”

While Cudrey was seemingly very generous with South Oakland’s assets, the University of Pittsburgh was apparently disinterested with exploring any further relations with the community.

“South Oakland just doesn’t do it for us anymore,” said Pitt spokesman Robert Hill. “We’re getting older and frankly their loose morals and lack of direction aren’t what we are looking for. It was fun while it lasted, but we’re seeking to find a neighborhood with a little bit more to offer. We’re currently exploring options with Shadyside and Squirrel Hill. It’s nothing serious yet, but who knows? We’re sorry, but we just don’t see a future with South Oakland.”

South Oakland has apparently taken the news very hard according to its sensitive, artistically inclined, homosexual neighbor Carnegie Mellon University.

“Completely devastated,” assessed CMU President Jared L. Cohen. “I think they’ll be fine and maybe settle down with a Carlow or possibly another community non-profit. But it just hurts right now, they just really had their eyes set on Pitt. I’ve been trying to tell them that it wasn’t meant to be, but they don’t want to hear it.”

While CMU remains optimistic about South Oakland’s future, the neighborhood itself isn’t showing any signs of future positivity.

“Why, why, why,” Cudrey begged. “We gave birth to their most famous quarterback, and they just run out on us like this. I just hope that if Pitt remembers the good times, like the 1960 World Series, they’ll come back. We have a history together.”

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