Pitt Fraternity Fights "Worst City to be Single" Ranking

This summer, Forbes Magazine ranked Pittsburgh last of the 40 biggest metropolitan areas in the nation in its annual “Best Cities for Singles” list. 2003 marked the second consecutive year that Pittsburgh has earned this dubious distinction.

University of Pittsburgh’s Sigma Delta Phi wants to help shed this unwanted label for their beloved city. Starting next month, the 23 fraternity members will offer their services to area singles in hopes of helping change this negative perspective.

“We’re dedicated to helping the community,” fraternity President Jim Taylor reported. “We believe that by committing ourselves in service to the single female population of Pittsburgh, we can help this become one of the more provocative cities in which to be single. Just as city council helped to shed Pittsburgh’s ‘smoky city’ image in the [19]40s, Sigma Delta Phi will help Pittsburgh to shed its ‘worst city for singles’ image in 2004.”

The fraternity outlined a ten-point plan which it believes will help to alleviate the woes of the city’s singles. The plan included assigning designated fraternity members to be stationed at city hot spots on strategic nights. From there, they will intercept area singles in hopes of alleviating their condition, if only for the night.

“We’re honing our pick up lines, updating our wardrobe, and we’re taking our hygiene to a whole new level,” fraternity member Larry Smith admitted. “We’re committed to the clit and will stop at nothing to make sure good looking single women in Pittsburgh get the best possible cocking of their life.”

The fraternity has backed up its optimistic outlook with a recently fashioned slogan for its cause: “Sigma Delta Phi, giving Pittsburgh singles a hand up their skirts, one broad and one night at a time.”

“We’re not naïve enough to believe that we can eradicate the condition of being single,” Taylor admitted. “After all, there are a lot of hogs out there I wouldn’t personally touch or expect my brothers to. If we can make sure that at least one attractive, or even mildly attractive, female doesn’t go to bed alone, then we know we’re doing a small little part with our small little members.”

Despite ranking at the bottom of the list, Pittsburgh did place 26th among ranked cities for its cost of living.

“Dude, Pittsburgh is totally awesome on my wallet,” said fraternity member “Hot” Karl Justice. “Did you know you could get a dime bag here for $7.50?”