Friday, February 13, 2004

Pitt Basketball Team, Groupies Play Tough Around Rim

Throughout the 2003-2004 NCAA basketball season, the Pittsburgh Panthers have been noted for their tough defense. But the Panthers have had to deal with some tough defenses this year as well. Time and time again, the Pitt squad has faced no better opposition than the near impenetrable rim defense of their own groupies.

“I ain’t never seen nothing like it,” says one Panther who wished to remain anonymous, “I got no luck with my own girlfriend, so I figure these groupies will always be down for some easy ‘back court scoring’ if you know what I mean.”

Unfortunately, “back court scoring” has been nearly impossible for the team this year.

“I don’t know what’s goin’ on this year! Groupies all over the Big East must have been scoutin’ us in the off-season, because we just not gettin’ anywhere near that rim.”

Even taking advantage of mismatches has proved to be ineffective.

“After the Miami game, we were back at the hotel and went up against this one girl four-on-one. We figured it was just too easy. That ain’t how it worked out though. She didn’t put up any defense whatsoever, but when it came to takin’ it home back-door, we got shut out.”

Reportedly, only a publically undisclosed senior player has had any luck “taking it to the hole” this year.

“That’s just the way it is with him,” explained Panthers color commentator Dick Groat. “He’s always quietly getting it done, but no one ever gives him the respect he deserves. That’s why we call him ‘Rodney Dangerfield.’”

Despite being nearly shut out all year around the rim, the Panthers have fortunately not attempted to run any illegal offenses that may be called as foul by officials.

“We ain’t pullin’ no Kobe shit.”

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