12th Man Suspended

The University of Pittsburgh announced the suspension of the 12th Man yesterday after reports of “gross misconduct.” Pitt coach Walt Harris said the 12th Man will be suspended “indefinitely,” and may not return until next season. The loss comes at a pivotal phase in the Panther’s rebuilding process and highlights off-the-field embarrassments to the program.

“We're certainly disappointed,” Harris commented. “We are a unit, a family, and when one member of that family doesn't hold up to his agreement, it's upsetting. This is certainly a learning opportunity for the 12th Man and one which will hopefully allow him to do some growing up and soul searching.”

While university officials are not commenting on the exact cause of suspension, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette has reported that the 12th Man is in violation of the NCAA's drug and alcohol policy.

“The 12th Man has not been shy about publicly breaking NCAA policy,” Post-Gazette reporter Shelly Anderson wrote. “Number twelve has even gone so far as to openly consume alcohol in the parking lots before the football games. Often times the 12th Man smuggles in flasks of Jim Beam and openly swigs it during the game. He's out of control and a menace to those around him. It's almost sad to watch the self-destruction of such an integral part of this football team. The 12th Man really needs to be taught a lesson.”

The suspension comes after number twelve was involved in a number of off-the-field incidents this summer. From large-scale brawls, public intoxication, and dangerously promiscuous sexual activity, number twelve has earned a bad boy image around campus.

“Thisss iss bwuh...bull-shit,” the 12th Man slurred. “I don't think that god-damn Harris knowsdd what the fuck he's ff-fucking talkin' bout. It's always ‘I'm the ass-hole.’ Righdt, righdt. Why doesn't that fucking NCAAARRP take its god-damn rules and put them up its pussy. That's rright. Number 12 answers to one man: number 12. Hey, anybody got a light?”