Sunday, December 02, 2001

Pittsburgh Steelers Defender Aquires "Big Nasty VD"

Alma Illery Medical Center of Pittsburgh is reporting that a member of the Pittsburgh Steelers football team has acquired “a big nasty V.D.” The clinic is not releasing the identity of the football star due to confidentiality policies, saying only that he is a member of the defense. The clinic did report that the venereal disease was chlamydia, which is characterized by a weird clear discharge coming from the urethra, and was easily treated with a combination of antibiotics and abstinence. The Steelers defender allowed the clinic to report the incident in order to increase awareness.

“I thought I was immune from disease by only fornicating with high class broads,” admitted the Steeler in an anonymous statement delivered to the clinic. “This incident has really opened my eyes to the world of venereal diseases. If a patron of Morton's Steak House can have a V.D., it's safe to assume almost anyone can. I just want people to be aware. Whether you're getting it in a crack house or a carriage house, please, use a condom.”

The Medical Center reports that the Steeler is not the first celebrity to come to the clinic for treatment.

“Because of their high public profile and social standings and our own confidentiality policy, a lot of well-known patients seek out our assistance for treatment,” clinic head Jessica Montgomery reported. “You'd be very surprised who has obtained venereal diseases before. Musicians, politicians, heads of corporations, we've even had some staff of [Souf Oaklin fo' Life!!!] who've come to us for treatment. Most of the time, the celebrities refuse to even allow us to issue a statement. However, we would like to thank the anonymous starting left middle linebacker from the Steelers who allowed us to issue a press release and drum up awareness of venereal diseases.”

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