John and Jerri Catzleman are proud to announce the graduation of their son, Wayne, from the Pittsburgh Diesel Institute.
Through the school's home study course, Wayne earned his Professional Truck Driver's Commercial License in just two weeks.
“The Pittsburgh Diesel Institute was great. I'd wake up around noon, crack open a brewski, then flip through my Motor Carrier Safety Regulations Guide Book while watching lesbians make-out on ‘Jerry Springer,’” he said. “It was just like college!”
Wayne dropped out of the University of Pittsburgh, just three credits shy of a Philosophy degree, to pursue his weeklong dream of driving the big rigs.
“As a former gas station attendant and McDonald's Drive-Thru cashier, I figured that I already had more than enough experience with motor vehicles and shit,” he said.
Wayne tried other correspondence schools before deciding on PDI, but found them to be unfulfilling. A brief enrollment in the Sally Struthers School of Veterinary Medicine led to the inadvertent death of Queenie, the family Bichon Frise.
“How was I supposed to know that you weren't supposed to anesthetize a dog with a fifth of Jack Daniel's?" Wayne asked tearfully.
Despite his son's past academic shortcomings, John Catzleman is bursting with faith and pride. "If you add up all the tuition bills, bail bonds and rehab costs, I figure that I've spent over $60,000 to get that lazy son of a bitch off my goddamn couch.”
The family recently celebrated Wayne's big achievement by throwing a party at their McKee's Rocks home. Among the many graduation gifts were a pair of fuzzy dice, Yosemite Sam mud flaps, a copy of John Denver's Greatest Hits, three flannel shirts, a “Keep on Truckin” ball cap, some back issues of Hustler, and an economy-sized bottle of Astroglide Personal Lubricant.
“I can't wait to get out on that open road and feel the wind whip through my mullet,” Wayne mused. “And from what I hear, there's a lot of hot and horny hitchhiker babes at those interstate truck stops!”
Although the hours are long and lonely, Wayne is committed to making the most of his PDI education.
“Man, if they give me a Budweiser truck I'd be so stoked," he exclaimed. “I'd park that sucker outside my buddy's house on Atwood Street and throw the biggest fuckin' kegger ever!”