SGB Unveils Plan for New Statue

With the resurgence of student pride at the University of Pittsburgh following the dedication of a new bronze panther near the William Pitt Union, current Student Government Board (SGB) president Jeff Alex has decided to expand this pride further than the borders of campus.

Alex has proposed to the SGB that a bronze keg be erected in South Oakland to resurrect pride in its residents. The keg, a symbol of free-flowing freedom and merrymaking, is intended to showcase part of South Oakland's ethnicity and demonstrate its thriving lineage.

“Our University community has benefited so much from having a bronze symbol to bring out the best in all of us,” Alex said at a recent press conference. “It just makes sense to extend that feeling in the hopes that all of our students will feel pride about something.”

Alex suggested that the proposed keg be sculpted at the same establishment in Parma, Italy where the “Pittsburgh Panther” statue was constructed. The model panther was made possible from an approved allocation of $72,000 from former Student Government Board President George Mongell in 1999. The anticipated bronze keg's price-tag would be slightly more expensive at $72,000.99.

Alex denied rumors that this price was meant to secure his place in the Pitt history books over Mongell as the SGB President to spend the most money on an item to instill pride in the student body.

South Oakland residents have been receptive to the idea.

“Dude, would that keg really have beer flowing from it?” Pitt junior Troy Jarrett asked. “That would be so sweet.”

Other residents have differing opinions. Estelle Krause has lived in South Oakland for over 75 years, and still lives in the same house that she was born and raised in.

“They really want to make a beer statue? Isn't there something else that South Oakland can be proud of?” she sighed. “What about a statue of that nice Danny Marino boy that used to live down the block from me? Or that crazy painter that died not too long ago--what was his name again?”

Alex and the SGB members have not yet decided on a proposed site for the bronze keg, although they are taking suggestions from the student body and residents of South Oakland.