Friday, September 14, 2001

Uncle Sam's Markets New Diet

University of Pittsburgh student Gina Weathers has created her own new diet. Impressively, the chain restaurant that made her new diet possible has decided to support her in her endeavors and market the diet for others to share in her success. Weathers claims the diet began when she was pledging sororities, and had her heart set on the Tri-Deltas.

“They are all so beautiful, thin, and always get all those Sigma Chi's,” she said. “When I didn't get in, I was devastated...I knew it was my weight. I weighed 150 pounds and I couldn't even stand to look at myself in the mirror.”

Insistent upon making a change, Weathers started her new diet. She started coming to Uncle Sam's at 210 Oakland Avenue about a year ago and she has gone from a whopping 150 pounds to a slender 75 pounds.

“I still have a long way to go yet.” Weathers said, as she looked at her not-quite-thin-enough figure in Uncle Sam's mirrored walls.

As a result of Weather's success, Uncle Sam's has decided to support her in her endeavors. They even plan on releasing a Pittsburgh-wide marketing campaign featuring Weathers that gets the word out about the diet and also how healthy Uncle Sam's is.

The diet consists of two combo meals that contain two foot-long subs, three bags of chips, and two large orders of fries. If you are a beginner, it is suggested that you start off with at least one foot-long sub of choice, two bags of chips, and one large order of fries.

“The more you work at it, the more you will be able to consume and the better your results will be,” store manager Aaron Timbers said.

After eating (the quicker the better) the dieter goes to the newly installed soundproof restroom, uses a plastic tongue depressor, and regurgitates the meal. Originally patrons had to use their own fingers, but that was deemed unsanitary and in some cases caused minor skin irritation around the finger. By using the Uncle Sam's patented tongue depressor, you can safely discard the meal without any mess or discomfort. The food will be evacuated from your stomach before you can say "Uncle Sam's.”

“I am getting so accustomed to this diet that I don't even need to use the tongue depressor. I just bend over and ....there you go,” Weathers boasted. “If I can't be a Tri-Delt, then maybe I can look like one. I don't know if I will ever get there though with all this fat that I have to lose...just look at these thighs...look at my butt! I can't believe how fat I am. If only I could take some of the fat from around my waist and put it where my breasts should be. I am not giving up though, — if I can do it, anyone can.”

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