Hepatitis B Outbreak Sweeps Oakland

Allegheny County health officials in conjunction with the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) have confirmed that at least 35 people have contracted hepatitis B in South Oakland during an outbreak that began to unfold during the spring semester.

Residents of the area began experiencing symptoms like nausea and fatigue that were initially thought to be the flu. After the symptoms did not abate, two Oakland residents were admitted to UPMC Presbyterian Hospital for testing. Tests confirmed the presence of hepatitis B antibodies.
“It’s sometimes difficult to diagnose hepatitis B in a large student population,” explained University of Pittsburgh Chair of Immunology, Dr. Olivera J. Finn. “Because the symptoms include fatigue and jaundice, many students think that they’ve either been drinking too much or have mono[nucleosis].”

“My fucking eyes were, like, yellow,” said Pitt sophomore Kurt Klein, one of the first students to be diagnosed. “I mean, I can throw ‘em back with the best of them and my pledge master thought maybe I was extremely jaundiced. He’s pre-med.”

Klein, however, was not the only student admitted to Presbyterian in early January. Up to a dozen students were suspected of infection and were tested. Three weeks after Klein’s initial visit to Presbyterian, 30 more students were diagnosed with hepatitis B.

Senior engineering major Samantha Wallace was admitted to UPMC Presbyterian the same January afternoon as Klein. Says Wallace, “It was like the second week of classes and we went out to party at Cumpies for the [Thursday] quarter-draft special. The next morning, I was totally throwing up and completely dehydrated. I felt like complete shit – not that I’m new to hangovers.” However, after her hangover-like symptoms did not disappear within 36 hours, Wallace’s worried roommates took her to Presbyterian.

“Fucking hepatitis?” complained Wallace. “My brother had the A strain in the fall, and I was like, ‘that fucker gave me hepatitis at Christmas.’ Then the doctors were like, ‘No, it’s the B strain.’ How the fuck do you get the ‘B strain?’ Did my brother’s hepatitis mutate or something?”

Hepatitis B, however, is spread primarily by sexual contact and the sharing of bodily fluids, such as blood, urine, and semen.

After over a month of interviews and extensive blood testing throughout the Oakland and student population, investigators with the CDC yesterday confirmed that the terrible outbreak has been traced to the sexual actions of Jamie Farrell of 3603 Dawson Street.

Farrell admits to having drunken sex with at least two South Oakland females after a night of heavy drinking on New Year’s Eve. He also admitted to having intercourse with a Carlow College freshman who he described as “skanky.”

“Dude, it’s totally not my fault that I couldn’t get that fucking condom on,” Farrell said. “I just wanted to make sure I got some before that girl changed her mind. It was pretty sloppy, though and I didn’t feel satisfied.”

After leaving the Semple Street party, Farrell reportedly called Wallace, an ex-girlfriend, for what they both describe as a “New Year’s Booty Call.”

CDC lead investigator Dr. Martin Shaw speculated that once the disease passed from Farrell to his next likely victim, Wallace, it was free to spread throughout the Oakland community.

“After taking Ms. Wallace’s complete sexual history, we noted many holes where she seemed to have blacked out after a night of drinking. We think it fully possible that where Wallace believes she’s had only 10-15 sexual partners, the numbers could actually be well into the 40s. For all intents and purposes, she is ground zero until we can find this ‘skanky Carlow chick.’”

Health officials had initially focused their investigation on a ring of heroin users on South Bouquet Street. Officials were forced to dismiss them as a source after physical examinations and interviews proved otherwise.

Current steps being taken by the CDC to halt the spread of hepatitis B include the closure of all Mexican-themed restaurants in the Oakland area, a bar curfew of midnight, and free condoms wherever alcohol is sold. Dr. Shaw recommends that if you fear you may have been infected, immediately seek medical attention.

(Click below to see how one case spread to dozens.)

Wal-Mart Plans New South Side Location

Last week, Wal-Mart executives and City of Pittsburgh officials announced plans for a 200,000 square-foot 24-hour Wal-Mart Super Center to be built along East Carson Street in Pittsburgh’s South Side. The Wal-Mart will reportedly take up blocks between 13th and 18th Streets with construction slated to begin in the fall of this year.

"This is a very exciting time for Wal-Mart and the South Side," began Wal-Mart spokeswoman Margaret Keene. "Although the neighborhood will be losing most of the small ‘mom and pop’ stores that gave the area its flavor and variety for decades, it is gaining the largest, most powerful retailer on the planet. And we believe that’s just what the South Side needs."

In order to make room for the massive store, the Bentonville, Arkansas company purchased many of the proposed site’s homes and businesses from the previous owners.

“It’s just a drop in the bucket for Wal-Mart,” explained Keene. “With what we’ve given them, they’ll do just fine.”

Bobby Pessolano, owner of Mario’s South Side Saloon is just one of the owners who took Wal-Mart up on their offer.

“With the money I made from Wal-Mart’s deal, I’m moving Mario’s to Shadyside,” explained Pessolano. “The average Mario’s customer should fit in perfect there. If not, I’ll be ruined.”

One local business, as Keene explains, is not moving. “We are proud to announce that the new South Side Wal-Mart will feature the Carson Street Deli inside.”

However, other local businesses fear Wal-Mart’s impact on the local economy.

“Well sure, with Wal-Mart’s prices being anywhere from 50-60% lower than the local independent retailers in the area, we expect around 85% of those directly competing with Wal-Mart to be out of business in three to four months,” admitted Keene. “But we sure can’t wait to welcome those shops former customers to Wal-Mart with a hearty ‘hello!’”

Other businesses are expected to thrive, though.

“Look at the Beehive," added Keene. “We expect Wal-Mart to bring in people from all over the area to the South Side. I’m sure the Beehive’s current customers can’t wait until they’re sipping coffee next to a Wal-Mart customer!”

Proposed Light Rail System to Airport Will Help Young Pittsburghers Leave Town Faster

For years, local media outlets, politicians and the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation (PennDOT) have raised hopes by discussing plans for improved transportation in and around the city. From the West-End busway to the “Maglev” project, area residents have seen and heard stories promising to make their commute easier. While the futuristic Maglev idea may be permanently scrapped, the recently proposed light rail system connecting Oakland to Downtown to the Pittsburgh Airport does have one segment of the population excited: young, college graduates. To the area’s best and brightest, the light rail offers an important added value: an even faster way out of Pittsburgh.

“Thank you, Pittsburgh!” exclaimed Carnegie Mellon junior and 3.94 GPA computer science major Jason Lentz. “I was born and raised here, but seeing that the odds of [Pittsburgh] offering any worthwhile opportunity for me after graduation is practically nil, at least they’ve devised a system that can get me the fuck out of here as soon as possible!”

University of Pittsburgh engineering major Jennifer Yan agrees. “What a fantastic opportunity for this town’s finest young talent. This city has about a dozen colleges and universities to educate us, and next to studying, the main thing we do is spend endless hours on Travelocity and Orbitz to find the cheapest flight out of town. Now, thanks to the light rail, it’s only going to take us 20 minutes or so to go straight from commencement to the airport! And from there… who knows… I guess any other city where the average age isn’t the oldest in the country.”

Yan’s statements mirror those of other young Pittsburghers such as Duquesne sophomore Brandon Altamonte.

“What they should do is build a light rail that goes to the airport from Blawnox or Munhall.” opined Altamonte. “That way, they could maybe get rid of all the old people who still think it’s the [Nineteen-] Seventies and the Steelers still have a shot at the Super Bowl. They’re the ones that are making us young people leave – still bitching about the steel mills, and preventing progress by trying to save some old burned out building from being torn down just because it used to look pretty in the 20s. Fuck that.”

Altamonte continued, “See, the thing is, I want to stay here. This is my home town, and I’m not too excited about leaving. But hey, if I have to move to Charlotte or Atlanta to get a job, so be it. At least there would be a quick way to do it. That Maglev thing would have still been sweet though.”

South Oakland Vagrant Angered By Nickel Donation

Lawrence Reynolds stands on the corner of Atwood and Forbes Avenue for an average of 32 hours a week. The panhandler pulls in an average contribution of 31 cents per person for his standing services. He was, however, dissatisfied last Wednesday when he was low-balled by an apparent contributor.

“I normally get quarters, dimes, and the occasional dollar bill. I can’t believe some little shitmuffin put a nickel in my cup,” said Reynolds. “I mean, I don’t mind a nickel if it’s mixed with a dime and two quarters, but by itself? Come on. It’s hardly worth the trouble of picking it up. Gee, thanks, now I can buy that piece of grape Bazooka gum I’ve always wanted. Don’t people realize how inflation has driven up the prices of consumer goods since a Republican president and Congress have dominated Washington politics. Asshole.”

Reynolds apparently acted out on his displeasure by using the other monies he had acquired to purchase 750 ML of an undisclosed spirit.

South Oakland Hosts Vice President in Rodent Hunt

Having caught flack for his early December pheasant massacre at the Rolling Rock Club in nearby Ligonier Township, Vice President Dick Cheney is planning on returning to Western Pennsylvania this winter for another game hunt. This time, the vice president will be hosted by the City of Pittsburgh, where Cheney will attempt to hunt South Oakland rodents.

“The vice president is very happy to return to the area for another hunting trip,” said spokesman Kevin Kellems. “The vice president realized he angered many animal activists in his earlier trip, even though his game was donated to a Washington D.C. food bank, so this time he scheduled a trip where unwanted rodents would be the target. We thought South Oakland would be the perfect place.”

Pest control experts say Cheney has picked the ideal location for his trip. They credit South Oakland residents’ improper discarding of food, beverages, and human excrement in attracting an unusually high amount of the unwanted critters.

Many South Oakland residents are applauding the vice president’s trip. Meyran Avenue resident Charlie Marvin said he hoped the VP would make his way down to his basement where he constantly hears rodents lurking. “I’m not really sure who this Cheney guy is, but if he gets rid of the family of rats swarming in my basement, he’s got my vote.”

In addition to support from city residents, Cheney is also gaining popularity from Pittsburgh politicians. “I knew the federal government would step in to help out the city eventually,” said Pittsburgh Mayor Tom Murphy. “You all panicked when I cut the city’s rodent control unit, but I knew another solution would present itself as long as we were patient. I can only hope this trip inspires other hunters to wander the streets of Pittsburgh with their firearms in search of rodents.”

Point / Weaker Point: Pinkertons

Pinkerton Security Guards Blow My Left Nut!
By Ryan Thompson, 503 Tower B (2004)

I’m tired of those fucking Pinkertons always getting on my case. Those sons of bitches have nothing better to do than bust our shit up. I swear to God, I’m gonna go off one of these days and punch one of those fucking guards in the face.

Why? You ask. Well, take last Friday for example. Bill, Dan, and Scott down the hall were supposed to have a party in room 507, Tower B. We were gonna have some girls over who we met at the tuck-in last Tuesday night. These girls were fine too. All we needed was a bottle of vodka, and we would have been golden. Since I know a lot of over 21 guys, I got my friend Jim to get us a bottle. I went over to his house to pick it up and when I came back the Pinkerton security guard was all up in my shit like, “what's in the bag?” I told him some old gym clothes, but he didn’t want to hear it. “Open it up.” Shit, I was busted. No vodka, no party, no girls, and thirty days probation. Fucking Pinkertons.

And if that wasn't enough, last semester my girlfriend came to visit. I hadn’t seen her in about three weeks, so I was definitely ready to get it on. Well, we went to a movie and didn’t get back till about 12:15 at night. I tried to sign her in to my dorm, but the guard was like, “no female guests after midnight.” She had to sleep at my friend Tracy’s dorm in Amos.

Those fucking Pinkertons. They’re so anal about these stupid fucking rules. I swear to God. I’m 19 years old and they treat me like I’m five. I’m gonna go off one of these days, I swear.

Pinkertons suck.

---

Pinkertons Are People, Too
By Erasmus O’Neil, Homestead, PA (1892)

You know a lot of flack has been given lately to the Pinkertons. While I can-not condone every course of action they have undertaken in the past few weeks, I do-not think it necessary to hold them personally responsible either.

The Homestead strike was a terrible incident, one that will plague our nation for years to come. I do-not know if the steel-mill or town will ever be the same. However, we must lay blame where blame is due. Pinkertons are hired agents and hired guns. They are family-men just like you, the steel-mill workers at Homestead, and I. They are trying to earn a living and put food on the table. Times are difficult for many in this country. People are starving and out of work. There are not enough jobs for everyone. Oft times, people are forced to take whatever job they can get, no-matter what it is. If someone is forced to take a job they do not agree with or starve, which do you think they will pick?

We can-not continually blame these workers, the proletariat. They are-not responsible, but are merely following orders. The ones giving the orders, however, can-not escape blame. Andrew Carnegie and Henry Clay Frick made millions from the toil of these workers, and what thanks do they give them? A bloodbath. Seven steel workers died at Homestead: seven workers, seven fathers, and seven human beings. The Pinkertons are not responsible for these deaths, even-though they pulled the trigger. Carnegie and Frick can-not say the same, even-though they did-not even hold a gun.

How Do You Plan on Celebrating Mexican Flag Day?

(Click to enlarge.)

Murphy Proposes Tax on Homeless

Mayor Tom Murphy has come up with a unique plan to help alleviate the city’s budget shortfall. While recent budget proposals such as taxing the city’s alcohol and raising the occupation tax have attempted to provide additional revenue for the city, this new plan looks to tax a segment of the population that has skirted around the issue of paying taxes for years.

“Hundreds of nickels and dimes are being transferred on city streets everyday, and it’s about time the city got its fair share of these financial exchanges,” Murphy argued. “For years, the city’s homeless have been making a profit by sitting on the very concrete Pittsburgh tax payers have had to shell out millions of dollars to construct and maintain. It’s about time the homeless did what is equitable and paid into these city conveniences. That’s why I’m instituting a 2 fi percent tax on every handout a homeless man or woman receives on city streets. Additionally, the homeless will have to pay a fee and get licensed to ask for money on our city streets. That’s why I’m proposing an additional $10 panhandler yearly permit fee. By instituting these changes, the city of Pittsburgh can save over $798 a year.”

New Blockbuster Video Porn Section Arouses Interest, Customers

To celebrate its one-year anniversary in Oakland, Blockbuster Video (Forbes Avenue location) added “hard-core porn” to its vast movie collection. Now, in addition to all of the newest popular releases and family films, members can rent hot new XXX releases like Lord of the Cock Rings, Finding Nympho, The Italian Rimjob, and T.W.A.T.

“Why didn’t we think of this sooner?” exclaimed store manager Mike Carter. “With all of the horny college kids, perverts, and hookers around here, we could’ve been raking in the dough!”

To rent the explicit, adult-only videos, customers must be over-18 years of age and present a valid ID before entering the “Adult Favorites” section – a small curtained-off room in the back of the store. There, the customer meets with dozens of titles (“The number is still growing,” says Carter).

“This is awesome!” said freshman Phil Lennard as he picked up a copy of The Fast and the Bi-Curious. “They should call this place Cockbuster or Blockbust-a-nut or somethin’.”

Pitt Fraternity Fights "Worst City to be Single" Ranking

This summer, Forbes Magazine ranked Pittsburgh last of the 40 biggest metropolitan areas in the nation in its annual “Best Cities for Singles” list. 2003 marked the second consecutive year that Pittsburgh has earned this dubious distinction.

University of Pittsburgh’s Sigma Delta Phi wants to help shed this unwanted label for their beloved city. Starting next month, the 23 fraternity members will offer their services to area singles in hopes of helping change this negative perspective.

“We’re dedicated to helping the community,” fraternity President Jim Taylor reported. “We believe that by committing ourselves in service to the single female population of Pittsburgh, we can help this become one of the more provocative cities in which to be single. Just as city council helped to shed Pittsburgh’s ‘smoky city’ image in the [19]40s, Sigma Delta Phi will help Pittsburgh to shed its ‘worst city for singles’ image in 2004.”

The fraternity outlined a ten-point plan which it believes will help to alleviate the woes of the city’s singles. The plan included assigning designated fraternity members to be stationed at city hot spots on strategic nights. From there, they will intercept area singles in hopes of alleviating their condition, if only for the night.

“We’re honing our pick up lines, updating our wardrobe, and we’re taking our hygiene to a whole new level,” fraternity member Larry Smith admitted. “We’re committed to the clit and will stop at nothing to make sure good looking single women in Pittsburgh get the best possible cocking of their life.”

The fraternity has backed up its optimistic outlook with a recently fashioned slogan for its cause: “Sigma Delta Phi, giving Pittsburgh singles a hand up their skirts, one broad and one night at a time.”

“We’re not naïve enough to believe that we can eradicate the condition of being single,” Taylor admitted. “After all, there are a lot of hogs out there I wouldn’t personally touch or expect my brothers to. If we can make sure that at least one attractive, or even mildly attractive, female doesn’t go to bed alone, then we know we’re doing a small little part with our small little members.”

Despite ranking at the bottom of the list, Pittsburgh did place 26th among ranked cities for its cost of living.

“Dude, Pittsburgh is totally awesome on my wallet,” said fraternity member “Hot” Karl Justice. “Did you know you could get a dime bag here for $7.50?”

Souf Oaklin's "Little Instructions"

(Click to enlarge.)

Port Authority Adds New 84F Bus of Shame

Port Authority Transit (PAT) declared Tuesday that their new bus slogans have been a resounding success. Many busses are adorned with such slogans as “Welcome to the neighborhood” in several languages, “Ride,” and “Rockin’ Rollin’.”

PAT Chief Executive Officer Paul P. Skoutelas heralded this success, saying, “Our clever slogans have made bus-riding much more interesting for Pittsburghers. Today, however, we will unveil our newest batch of catchy phrases for some newer, hipper bus lines.”

The lines unveiled by PAT include the Ultra Violet (UV) Loop bus, which shuttles passengers between all of Pittsburgh’s night spots; the 53R, which will run from Shadyside through Squirrel Hill/Oakland to the Waterfront shopping complex; and the 84F, which will run between South Side and Shadyside, also through Oakland and Squirrel Hill.

“We’re really excited about our new lines,” said Skoutelas. “These new lines need new slogans, too. Most busses on the 53R line will have slogans such as ‘Shop’ and ‘Drivin’ the Economy’.”

The 84F, however, simply says “Shame” on each side in varied large, multi-colored letters.

“We thought we could better serve younger Pittsburghers by adding a bus to help people get home a bit easier ‘the morning after,’” continued Skoutelas. “We like to think of the 84F as the embarrassed, hungover, tousled, early morning counterpart to the UV Loop.”

While most PAT busses come with tinted windows that still allow those outside to see in, the new 84F “Bus of Shame” will feature windows that appear to be nearly opaque to the outside bystander, guaranteeing the privacy of those inside.

The new lines will begin service on March 12, the weekend before St. Patrick’s Day (“A busy time for the new 84F, we foresee,” explained Skoutelas). Fare is still $1.75 one-way. Both busses are free with university ID.

Souf Oaklin Mixologist

(Click to enlarge.)

Pledge Upset Over Fraternity's "No Hazing" Policy

When Pitt freshman Sean Jenkins pledged Delta Chi fraternity last semester, he was expecting the worst: public humiliation, emotional abuse, torture, alcohol poisoning, and bestiality.

Instead, he discovered quite the opposite -- he found himself in a strange social organization that puts academics and community service before hazing.

“This sucks!” Jenkins exclaimed. “I wanted Animal House and ended up with Little House on the fucking Prairie!”

Delta Chi prides itself on being a non-hazing fraternity. Instead of participating in destructive behavior, members focus on philanthropy projects like “Can the Van,” a charity event where brothers take canned goods to local food banks.

“Can the Van?

“Dude, I thought that we would get picked up in Schenley quad in a shitty, beat-up van,” Jenkins lamented. “I was totally looking forward to getting my ass beat by my loyal brothers.”

Chapter president Trevor Gray understands Jenkins’ disappointment, but stresses that Delta Chi is not willing to change its stance.

“We believe in building people up, not tearing them down,” said chapter president Trevor Gray. “All we ask is that our members keep their grades up and lend a helping hand every now and then.”

Jenkins insists he was lead to believe that the “helping hand” Gray spoke of was just a good old-fashioned beating by his big brother.

Although Jenkins has just one more week until his initiation, he is currently considering depledging the fraternity.

“I don’t mind collecting can goods for the homeless, but shit, at least paddle me or force a bottle of Jim Beam down my throat first!”

PCNC to Debut Average Ho

PCNC has enjoyed increased ratings with the highly successful unscripted relationship dramas like Yoi, Bachelor and Joe South Oaklander. The network recently announced that they hope to continue their success with the new reality series, Average Ho, slated to join the fall line-up on Tuesday nights at 9 p.m.

Average Ho takes this unique format to the campus of the University of Pittsburgh, where handsome Colin Northway is introduced to 16 potential hook-up partners. Northway must decide how to proceed when he meets the unexpected group of ladies, who are admittedly “hogs” and “beat-ass bitches.” In the course of six weeks, Northway will have to choose an Average Ho to bring home.

In early fall, 100 women from Carlow College, Chatham College, and Carnegie Mellon University wanted to audition for the chance to get intimate with Northway. Sixteen Pitt students had already been cast.

“We felt it was the next logical step in reality television programming to bring on a show like Average Ho,” says PCNC spokesperson William Nagle. “Now, the ritual that usually happens around 2 a.m. on weekend nights won’t seem so hasty or desperate. Mr. Northway has six weeks to choose his sexual partner.”

Northway was less than thrilled with the twist in the show’s premise. “I just thought I’d have to pick the biggest slut and sleep with her,” he said. “I didn’t know they would be total butterfaces and two-baggers.”

Northway says that viewers should tune in to see him make his selection carefully.

“They are all making their cases on why I should choose them,” he said. “Let’s just say that a blow job doesn’t have a face.”

Horoscopes fo' Spring Break

Cancun:
You think you should have listened to your mom’s advice about drinking the water, because then you wouldn’t be puking your guts out. Actually, you should have listened to those Trojan ads. That’s not a beer gut you’re growing.

Denny’s:
With all the Old German around and no crowds to fight, your student loan refund is letting you live like a true player. Besides, with all the money you’ll save by staying in town, maybe you could buy that special someone a beer?

Your Mom’s House:
Your high school sweetheart isn’t as lame as you are, so don’t count on getting laid at home. However, mom’s meals might give you something hearty to dig into.

Fort Lauderdale:
Ladies, let your boys get some air. Fellas, now might be the time to let your beer muscles blossom. With all the balcony keggers, love is sure to find someone to stumble into.

Aspen:
Ski bunnies taste like candy, especially after a few shots of PuckerTM. Guys, time to get your poles polished. Ladies, time to get your snowboard waxed. What’s the fun of snow if you can’t blow it?

Europe:
Airfare to Paris: $250. Hostels for 1 week: $100. Eurorail pass: $25. Food: $25. Mushrooms: $15. Marijuana: $50. Ecstasy: Free with hookers. Beer: $562.34. Avoiding gonorrhea: Priceless.

Pitt Basketball Team, Groupies Play Tough Around Rim

Throughout the 2003-2004 NCAA basketball season, the Pittsburgh Panthers have been noted for their tough defense. But the Panthers have had to deal with some tough defenses this year as well. Time and time again, the Pitt squad has faced no better opposition than the near impenetrable rim defense of their own groupies.

“I ain’t never seen nothing like it,” says one Panther who wished to remain anonymous, “I got no luck with my own girlfriend, so I figure these groupies will always be down for some easy ‘back court scoring’ if you know what I mean.”

Unfortunately, “back court scoring” has been nearly impossible for the team this year.

“I don’t know what’s goin’ on this year! Groupies all over the Big East must have been scoutin’ us in the off-season, because we just not gettin’ anywhere near that rim.”

Even taking advantage of mismatches has proved to be ineffective.

“After the Miami game, we were back at the hotel and went up against this one girl four-on-one. We figured it was just too easy. That ain’t how it worked out though. She didn’t put up any defense whatsoever, but when it came to takin’ it home back-door, we got shut out.”

Reportedly, only a publically undisclosed senior player has had any luck “taking it to the hole” this year.

“That’s just the way it is with him,” explained Panthers color commentator Dick Groat. “He’s always quietly getting it done, but no one ever gives him the respect he deserves. That’s why we call him ‘Rodney Dangerfield.’”

Despite being nearly shut out all year around the rim, the Panthers have fortunately not attempted to run any illegal offenses that may be called as foul by officials.

“We ain’t pullin’ no Kobe shit.”

Lemieux Makes Triumphant Return To Hospital

He’s Back. That was the mantra capturing the excitement of doctors, nurses, and the whole medical community last month for Penguin owner and superstar Mario Lemieux. Lemieux made his magical return to the gurney at his home infirmary, UPMC Presbyterian. His two and a half hour surgery to repair chronic tendonitis in the hip flexor was an overwhelming success.

“It was amazing,” said UPMC chief surgeon Freddie Fu. “You only really get to see the great ones under the knife every five or six years. I could tell by looking inside his muscle tissue that this guy is made out of different material than the rest of us. I cut him, but I’m not really sure if he bled.”

Fu’s statements were backed up by exuberant nurses and hospital staff who witnessed firsthand the awesome medical prowess of “Le Magnifique.” Lemieux set personal records in his return trip for both recovery time (2 days, 4 hours, 21 minutes) and least amount of time spent on narcotics.

“Super Mario is the man!” shouted UPMC Nurse Heather Glye. “He has single-handedly brought back the intensity and drive to the tenth floor. His presence really just has a way of elevating the game of the nursing staff.”

Lemieux is hoping for a flawless recovery, while UPMC staffers are praying for a return visit next year.

“It’s not everyday I get to clean the fecal matter of a bona fide star,” Glye admitted. “I hope he’s planning on returning to the Penguins next year – in which case, I’ll definitely be expecting him back.”

Pitt Ticket Buyer Accidentally Buys Women's B-Ball Ticket

DeShawn Thomas could not believe his ears when a scalper was offering to sell him two tickets to the Pitt/Georgetown basketball game for $15. The university senior was ecstatic to finally get into the Petersen Events Center to witness the nationally ranked Panthers play last Saturday. Thomas eagerly made the deal, and then made his way up Desoto Street for the match.

“I couldn’t believe I was finally going to see JP1 up close and in person, this was a dream come true,” said Thomas. “I also couldn’t believe there was so few people going to the game. I bought the ticket ten minutes before tip off, and I hardly passed a person on the way to the Pete. I figured it must have been because of the weather or because it was Valentine’s Day.”

Thomas was horrified to learn the scalper had misled him and sold him tickets to the University of Pittsburgh Women’s basketball game. “Imagine my surprise when JP1 came out with long hair and a pair of titties. Its a shame that we live in a society where this kinds of intentional deceit runs rampant.”

Thomas stayed for three minutes of the game, and then angrily made his way back down to his Semple Street apartment. “I was duped,” exclaimed a disheartened Thomas.