Thursday, April 25, 2002

Bigfoot Enters CMU... as a Drama Student!!

- From the SOFL "Tabloid" Edition - The search for the fabled Bigfoot is over. Unusually, he turned up not in the backwoods of the Pacific Northwest, but in an admissions office in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. A Carnegie Mellon University spokesperson released today that the 8 ft. 375 lb. Bigfoot of Ione, Washington has enrolled in Carnegie Mellon University (CMU) for the upcoming semester. According to the University official, the beast of countless classy Fox television programs plans to enter the illustrious CMU Drama program when classes begin next fall.

When interviewed by reporters yesterday in CMU’s Baker Hall, the animal seemed composed and impressively large, but to the surprise of not a few reporters spoke with a pronounced lisp. During the interview, he professed a desire to express his long-suppressed emotions and follow in the footsteps of acting Tartan-alums Blair Underwood, Judith Light, and Chewbacca.

According to the long sought-after animal, he has been quite a fan of Underwood for some time. “B [a supposed reference to Underwood] is just so fine and chocolatey on the TV. I says to myself Big, you just have to see the epicenter of all that is Blair.”

In recounting how drama plays a role in the life of a primitive hunter and gatherer the beast replied, “I have so many powerful sexy emotions that need to be expressed. I believe CMU is the place to release all those steamy and erect feelings and ejaculate them out into the world just as [Underwood’s] were ejaculated into me.”

It seems that Bigfoot became enamored with the actor after experiencing the now infamous “Whose San Andreas Fault is it Anyway?” L.A. Law episode through the window of a remote cabin in the late 1980’s. It’s no surprise that Bigfoot's infatuation grew, not unlike the American public, to almost unreal proportions. The beast even admitted during the interview yesterday to being a card carrying member of his fan club BUFFF (Blair Underwood's Fervent Female Fans).

After being given a tour of the city by Mayor Tom Murphy yesterday, Bigfoot had a night out on the town filled with shopping at exclusive stores and late-night excesses at the hot Shadyside bistro New York, New York. According to sources close to Pittsburgh Civic Light Opera Director Jacques Monti, who Bigfoot met at New York, New York, Bigfoot has been invited to guest conduct the CLO during a show next season.

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