Thursday, April 25, 2002
I'm Pregnant With the Cathedral's Baby!
- From the SOFL "Tabloid" Edition - That crazy, giant-sized phallus has done it again! First, it took over an entire section of Pittsburgh with its power, and now it has conquered a young girl’s womb!
S.O.F.L. has been able to confirm that Oakland’s very own Cathedral of Learning has exercised its manly muscle and impregnated a local underage girl, who spoke to us on condition of anonymity.
“Whenever I was lost after a night of heavy drinking, I used to look for that glowing, erect structure in the sky. It always lead me home–never astray! Well, one thing lead to another, and one night I somehow found myself passed out on the Cathedral Lawn. And I woke up the next morning and knew!”
Tests confirmed the young woman’s suspicions that, admittedly, have changed her entire life.
“I’m not ashamed of what happened to me–I know it’s a sign,” she said. “At first I thought I was a freak, but now I know I’m part of the Cathedral’s mystical plan for Oakland redevelopment. This baby is going to change everything!”
Some say the child will herald the rebirth of knowledge, while other reports claim that this young woman may not be the only one housing the next generation of campus landmarks.