Thursday, April 25, 2002

Devil Collects JoePa's Soul After #324

Joe Paterno, head coach of the Penn State Nittany Lions for the last 35 years, made good on his life-long contractual obligation to Satan, Ruler of the Underworld and the famed “Nine Circles of Hell,” last Friday. The agreement, struck on August 28, 1966, Paterno's first day as head coach, called for Paterno to receive two national championships, his own Creamery, a winning record against Pitt football, and to break the collegiate record for most career victories.

“It's never pleasant to give up your soul," Paterno admitted. "But I did what I had to. Who else but the mighty king Satan himself could build a winning national powerhouse on top of a pile of cow dung? And Lavar Arrington, you didn't think he was human did you?”

College Football Analyst Beano Cook is undecided about what the loss of JoePa’s soul means for the future of Penn State football. “On the one hand you have a perennially ranked football team with a winning tradition, on the other you have a date with eternal damnation. It's tough to say which side will be more lucrative to high school kids, especially now that Beaver Stadium just got an expansion. I think Penn State is going to continue to get blue chip recruits, Paterno's soul or not.”

Asked for comment about whether he will continue to support Penn State football after obtaining the soul, Satan, Ruler of the Underworld, commented. “I’ll have to see how things pan out over the next couple of months. I’ve got lucrative soul offers from [Syracuse Head Coach Paul] Pasqualoni and [Miami Head Coach Larry] Coker. I’m not going to rush into anything right now. I just want to take my time, maintain composure, and do what's best for eternal damnation. Sure, working with JoePa has been great, but now it's time to move on and explore my options.”

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