Thursday, April 25, 2002

Chinese Restaurant Serves Up Sex!

- From the SOFL "Tabloid" Edition -
“We Are Also Have Fun Food You Are Never Ate Before!”

To the average person, the cryptic motto above Szechuan Express Fast Food & Asian Noodle Shop is simply bad grammar, but to former-CIA code-breaker Ernie Melvac, it represents something much more sinister.

“This so-called ‘restaurant’ is just an elaborate cover for an international prostitution ring,” Melvac said. He claims that the slogan is a cleverly disguised code used to signal pimps, prostitutes, and various other sexual deviants to the operation's main headquarters.

“The ‘fun food you are never ate before’ obviously refers to oral sex with exotic whores from the Orient,” Melvac explained. “And ‘Asian Noodle’... Hello? Anyone can see that it's slang for male genitalia!”

To further his theory, Melvac points to some deceptively named dinner specials, including Hol Mein Kok of Beef, Sweet and Sour Ejak Yu Lait, and the Or Jee combo-platter.

While local authorities dismiss the wild charges, Melvac continues his crusade against indecency with “good ol’ fashioned common sense.” “Why do you think everyone adds the words ‘in bed’ to the end of their fortune cookie fortune, huh? Chinese food and kinky sex are synonymous.”

When asked about the restaurant’s un-intelligible catchphrase, proprietor Jim Cheng said only that it was “an ancient Chinese secret.”

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