Thursday, April 25, 2002

Zombie Checks Into Detox After Devouring South Oakland Resident!

- From the SOFL "Tabloid" Edition - Just two days after rising from the dead and feasting on the brains of South Oakland resident Mike Smith, a local reanimated corpse was admitted to a local detoxification program.

According to witnesses, the zombie staggered into Smith's Dawson Street home at approximately 1 a.m. this past Saturday night.

“We was all just chillin’, drinkin’ 40’s when this chick bursts through the door all crusty n’ shit,” Pitt student Mel Harris recounted.

“I was like ‘Whoa! Give this crazy bitch a drink’ cause she looked like she'd been having a rough day.”

The zombie reportedly attacked Smith when he approached it with an open container of malt liquor. After a brief struggle, it cracked open his skull and proceeded to slurp out his brains.

“When she jumped on him, I figured it was his ex-girlfriend getting revenge or somethin’,” Harris said. “So we all laughed cause he was gettin’ beat down by a girl. Then she went all-Jeffery Dahmer on his ass and I split!”

According to the coroner's report, Smith's blood alcohol level was a staggering .50 at the time of his cannibalization; subsequently, the zombie absorbed all the contaminants in his system.

“If she wasn't already dead, his blood would’ve killed her,” Allegheny County Coroner Cyril Wecht said.

The zombie experienced dementia, convulsions, and vomiting before passing out at the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity house.

On Monday morning she checked herself into a local alcohol rehab center.

“I've clawed my way through six feet of dirt, rocks, and crap... hopefully, I can go another 12 steps.”

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