Thursday, April 25, 2002

Pitt Super-Baby Chooses Penn State!

What is this world coming to when a genetically engineered Pitt Super-Baby grows up and elects to go to college at Penn State?!

Well, we’ll all find out next September, when Jimmy Panther (UPMC-0001) begins college as a freshman at Penn State University. Right out of left field, Jimmy’s decision has rocked not only the Pitt community, but also those whose genetic make-up Jimmy was formed from.

Some of you may remember way back in 1983, when scientists at the University of Pittsburgh gathered DNA samples of some of the most well known Pitt figureheads. “We tried to get together anyone who we thought best symbolized the spirit of the University,” said head geneticist Herbert VanDyes. “People like Wesley Posvar, Jackie Sherrill, Johnny Majors, Jonas Salk, and Thomas Starzl. We even got some of Dan Marino’s DNA from one of our intern girls who was dating him at the time.” Adds “Super-Baby” project assistant, and current UPMC chief Jerome Sterling, “I was even able to get a sample from the Panther mascot at the time. I think his name was Kevin or something.” All aspects of Pitt spirit were taken into account. Laughs Sterling, “if having some of the damn mascot in our boy didn’t give him an extra bit of spirit, I don't know what would have.”

Little Jimmy was raised right here in Oakland and even attended Central Catholic High School. But never in a thousand years did those involved in the creation and raising of “Jimmy Panther” ever imagine he’d do the unthinkable by attending Penn State.

“I’ll tell you why,” says Jimmy Panther, “it’s because I grew up hearing nothing but Pitt-this and Pitt-that. A guy can just get sick of that, you know? Even a guy whose entire genetic make-up has been concocted from a DNA soup of some of the greatest Pitt figureheads in the school’s history!”

Yeah, it seems Pitt’s “Little Jimmy” is just fed up of all the Pitt propaganda he's been hearing all his life. It’s not unlike a teenager to want to rebel against his parents. Everyone rebels against their parents, and most people have only two. Jimmy’s got well over 30!

Jimmy Panther plans to major in communications upon his entrance into Penn State. “And another thing,” Jimmy adds, “I'm changing my name to Jimmy Paterno!”

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