Thursday, April 25, 2002

800 lb. Student Airlifted from Tower C!

- From the SOFL "Tabloid" Edition - Tower C can be a lonely place. Self-proclaimed prophet and fat boy Tobias Krakas knows this only all too well. The 800 lb. Pitt junior was airlifted yesterday from his fourth floor room in Tower C by the UPMC Life Flight helicopter. According to sources unidentified, the young man had not left his dorm room since enrolling in the University in September. In addition, his addiction to a popular video game and four double sausage pizzas a day had caused his weight to balloon to grotesque proportions.

As the young man was being hauled to UPMC, he detailed his unusual semester to Souf Oaklin fo’ Life!!! Krakas claims he was called upon to be a prophet and a moral warrior by Jesus Christ in the checkout line of a popular electronics store. According to Krakas, Jesus visited him at the checkout counter at Best Buy and told him that the balance of life and all human morality hinged upon his ability to finish the Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2 video game. Needless to say, the 21-year-old communications major did not take this holy designation lightly. Jesus also told him that his lazy eye will keep him a virgin for life.

During his supposed religious fervor, the obese man from Jim Thorpe, PA had ballooned from an average video-game-dork weight of 230 lbs. to an impressive 807 lbs. He estimates that he played Tony Hawk an average of 14 hours a day, saving 3-4 hours for eating double sausage pizzas from Pizza Outlet.

Dustin Winchill, the pizza shop employee who delivered most of his pizzas, said today that initially he thought that “he was just a fat guy trying to eat himself to death,” and added that “I might actually respect him now that I know his cause was for our Lord and savior.”

Krakas is expected to recover from his condition, according to his doctor. He is being weaned on personal pan pizzas and Tetris on Game Boy at this time.

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