Thursday, April 25, 2002

Teenage Alien Blows the Curve in Calculus

- From the SOFL "Tabloid" Edition - Pitt’s most unconventional of all unconventional students is at it again!

L’Opk Zaron of the planet Xerek, is currently a second semester sophomore at the University of Pittsburgh. Zaron crash-landed to earth 17 years ago as an infant, arriving in the early morning hours in the backyard of local retired millwright George Zawicki’s home on the North Side. Not able to have children of their own, George and his wife Ethel raised young L’Opk as their own, home schooling the distant visitor until his recent enrollment at Pitt.

Sounds like a great story doesn’t it? Well, not to the students in Zaron's Calc 1 class! The problem is, for any alien race to have the ability to travel to earth, they must be extremely intelligent. Well, Zaron has the accumulated knowledge, instinct, and intelligence of his over 3 million-year-old species. This kind of advanced mathematics can make even the most complicated calculus look like basic addition.

“Damn that alien dude!” said Zach Mason, a Calc 1 classmate of Zaron. Mason is currently maintaining a 68% in the Calc 1 class. If Zaron were not factored into the curve, Mason would be at 81%. “Does that mean I’m going to have to take this class next term just because of freaking ‘Alf’ over there? Damn it!” “I only try and do my best like dad always taught me,” says Zaron. “I am blessed in knowledge of earthling mathematics. Hey, you should see me in biology or even anatomy. I’m barely scraping B’s. You don't see me complaining there.”

Zaron’s father agrees. “Yeah, me and Ethel are real proud of our boy,” says Zawicki, “even as a youngster, that kid could do the craziest stuff in his head–our taxes, anything. Hell, he even helped out me and a couple of the guys down at the bar figure out our tab. He’s a good kid there. I give Ethel all the credit for teaching him up so good back when. She’s the book smart one! He’s got his mama’s good sense.”

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