Friday, September 14, 2001
White Pittsburghers Really Love PNC Park
White fans from Swissvale to Castle Shannon are praising the recently opened PNC Park. These whites have been turning out in record numbers to view the new stadium in its first season of existence.
“The view of Downtown is really spectacular,” white male Bill Shurman of Dormont commented. “You can really just sit there and lose yourself for a couple hours in the game and the serenity. It's great, just really special.”
Not only do the white people love the view, they are also giving rave reviews to the food.
“It's great. I can get anything I want here; from pierogies to kielbasa, it's all here. They even got an Outback Steakhouse and a Primanti's. It's just like going to the mall, only there's baseball too,” white female Sherri Kerlanski declared.
This consumerism has really got the white race excited. Whites are displaying their wealth and good fortune by buying everything from bobble head Pirate dolls to embroidered jerseys of catcher Jason Kendall.
“The selection of stuff I can buy is far better than Three Rivers,” white fan and father of three Louis Delmonto reported. “Once my kids see all the stuff I bought for them, can there be any doubt of my love and affection? I got 'em T-shirts, towels, and foam #1 fingers. PNC Park has everything you could ever want!”
With all its amenities, view, and serenity, Pittsburgh’s new PNC Park is sure to satiate generations and generations of white people for years to come.