Friday, September 14, 2001

Saturday Night / Sunday Morning
- Hangover Bad, Last Night Worse

South Oakland resident Jay Keller awoke Sunday morning with “the worst hangover ever.” According to initial reports from Keller, the agonizing headache and vomiting were apparently even worse than the now infamous day-after-Memorial-Day-hangover when Keller drank an entire box of Franzia white wine. “He talks about that hangover like it's the best thing that's ever happened to him,” said housemate Matt Francise, “like it's cool to have a hangover or something.”

Unable to open his eyes, Keller stumbled to the bathroom saying, “ow, oh my head's fuckin' killing me. What the hell happened last night?”Apparently his elevated BAC caused what is commonly termed a “black-out”: an experience over 50% of all people in South Oakland suffer on Saturday evenings engaging in what most parents refer to as "binge drinking.”

Scientists at the University of Pittsburgh and nearby Carnegie Mellon University are currently investigating the correlation between consumption of a “shit-load” of alcohol and the inability to remember “what the fuck happened last night.” At the time of this report no conclusions were available.

Keller's ability to recall events from the preceding evening begins to end at around 10PM. Having already consumed a six-pack of Busch pounders and three shots of Ezra Brooks whiskey by 8PM, Keller neglected to have dinner. A keg of Straub arrived at 9PM. “No hangover my ass,” Keller commented from the bathroom between dry-heaves. Francise reported that over the next three hours he saw Keller consume somewhere between 10 to 15 12-ounce cups of beer.

Amazingly, and unfortunately for Keller, this amount of alcohol was insufficient to render him unconscious. He spent the entire evening hitting on every girl at the party saying “you and me babe, how 'bout it,” (from the Dire Straits song “Romeo and Juliet”). “Man, that was priceless,” said Francise laughing hysterically, “I only wish I had that on video.” He continued to recount how Keller vomited on himself twice, including once in front of a girl that he's wanted for over two years now. “Oh man, that sucks,” Keller lamented from the bathroom.

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