Friday, September 14, 2001

Outdoor Guitar Player Still Not Getting Laid

Outdoor guitarist and Neil Young enthusiast Dave Larmaine has spent an estimated 13 hours in various Oakland locations playing his guitar in hopes of obtaining sexual relations. Thus far, Larmaine's efforts have been in vain; however, he remains optimistic about his future fornication prospects.

"I tell you, it's just a matter of time," Larmaine reported. "Girls are just nervous about starting college and don't want to put themselves out just yet. Once they realize they have the freedom from their friends, family, and morals of their hometown, they will be more than willing to get with me as well as a slew of other males."

With a set that includes covers of Uncle Kracker, Radiohead, Dave Matthews, and a rousing rendition of U2's "Beautiful Day," Larmaine has wowed dozens of passersby with his music. His songs have been getting rave reviews and even elicited a "not too bad" comment from CAS junior Allison Hearth. The open guitar case set out by Larmaine has even netted profits of approximately four dollars and seventy-two cents.

"The financial success and social praise are certainly perks, but that's not why I got into music. I got in it for the sexual relations. And if I'm not getting any, then all my efforts have been in vain. Hell, I’d give anything for just some fellatio at this point. I'm remaining optimistic, but still getting a little vexed. We'll see what happens, though. I'm not relying entirely on music. My roommates and I have planned parties at our place and plan to invite freshmen. I'm also planning to attend several Pitt Program Council events geared towards freshmen. Certainly one of those avenues will illicit payoff in the not- too- distant future. I just need to be a little patient at this point," Larmaine conceded.

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