Pitt to Partner with Leon's Jitney Service

In the wake of Pitt's successful partnership with the Port Authority of Allegheny County, the University of Pittsburgh unveiled a new plan yesterday which will expand travel opportunities for students and employees. The current ridership agreement allows Pitt students and benefits-receiving employees to ride free anywhere in Allegheny County with a valid Pitt ID. The expanded plan keeps that agreement intact while offering an additional option. Starting in January 2002, any University of Pittsburgh staff and students will be able to take free rides anywhere within city limits with Leon's Jitney Service and Notary of Wylie Avenue.

“This is a great day for the university,” Chancellor Mark A. Nordenberg declared. “We want to give students as many options as possible. I've understood many of our students are not familiar with bus routes, or may not live near a bus line, or they may not even feel like waiting outside. Now thanks to the help of Leon's Jitney Service and Notary, they won't have to.”

While the university's agreement with PAT costs over $1.9 million, the agreement with Leon's Jitney Service and Notary will cost Pitt an average of $50 a day, or close to $16,000 a year, which is comparable to the salary of an entry-level university employee. The university will also be responsible for the financial upkeep of Leon's fleet of cars.

“This is a great day for Leon,” Leon's Jitney Service and Notary owner Keith “Bebe” Rathmell declared. "All you need do is show Bebe your Pitt ID and Bebe will say, 'where you want to go?' Need your credit union? Bebe will take you there. Need some pop? Bebe will take you to get some. But just remember, just 'cause Bebe be taking you for free don't mean Bebe don't like tips. Bebe love tips. You riding with my brother Danny, don't worry about tipping him, but you ride with Bebe you best be tipping. 'Cause Bebe gives you great service, knows all the short cuts. I can get you from the Hill to Homestead in eight minutes. Or from Brighton Road to Frankstown Road, 13 minutes flat, no lie. But Bebe will take you anywhere in the city you want to go. Just show your identification, tell me where, and that's it. Oh yeah, tip too, don't forget the tip.”

Pitt students are reportedly enthusiastic about the new service, and some have already begun praising the convenience of jitneys.

“It's great,” Pitt sophomore Roger Haverson declared. “I plan on taking Leon's Jitney Service and Notary to class everyday. It'll save me that three minute walk from Tower C to the Cathedral. All I have to wait for is those patented three honks and I'll know my ride is here. I think it's a great addition to the university. I won't actually have to go up to the Hill District if I use the service, will I?”

White Guy Worries FUBU Shirt Makes Him Look Phat

University of Pittsburgh student and white Anglo-Saxon Jerry Tutors made a startling revelation to his friend Mark Jones while he was trying on a white FUBU shirt yesterday at Focus Urban Apparel Shop in Oakland.

“Does this shirt make me look phat?” Tutors asked his friend and confidant. “I really like the color, but I'm just worried it makes me look too phat.”

Jones reassured his friend that the shirt looked “fine.” “Come on, just get it and go, I got to meet my girlfriend for dinner. She's gonna be pissed if I'm late, let's go.”

“I don't know. It's a lot of money and I don't want to buy something if it makes me look phat,” said Tutors.

Tutors eventually put the FUBU shirt back on the rack and later purchased a long-sleeve patterned chamois shirt from Eddie Bauer in the South Hills Village Mall.

WPTS Wins "Best Morning Show"

In an announcement that had all of Pittsburgh radio up in arms, WPTS, the student-run radio station of the University of Pittsburgh, won City Paper's “Best Morning Zoo Show.” The WPTS signal barely reaches off campus, but credits its win to two men: twins Billy and Jimmy Doublas, of McCandless, PA.

“Well, Billy's just so zany,” said Jimmy, “He's always telling knock-knock jokes, and he even has a few dirty ones, too.”

“Yeah, I couldn't believe we won,” interjected Jimmy, “I was like, holy shoot, Billy! We won!”

When asked what one piece they thought sealed their win this year, Jimmy was quick to answer. “We did this bit about calling up [Pitt's Tele-Fact] line, and, like, asking stuff like, 'Do midgets have regular-sized penises?' and 'How many CMU students does it take to change a lightbulb?'”

“The answer is none. CMU students hire Pitt Alumni! Get it? That one's great. But they still had to look it up,” explained Billy.

When asked to comment on losing to such competition, WDVE morning personality Jim Krenn said, “Those jag-offs won? Scott [Paulson] never shoulda retired.”
WDVE straight-guy Ed Crowe added, “They don't even do ‘Pants N’At’ jokes. C'mon.”

John, Dave, Bubba, and Shelly of B-94, long considered WDVE's main competition in the coveted “Morning Zoo” slot, also had negative reactions. “We were broadcasting from Market Square one morning,” said Bubba, “when the program director shows up with this poll result. I was like, 'What the [heck] is WPTS? Who are these guys?'”

Billy and Jimmy refuse to be belittled by their betters, they say, and insist that they earned it. “Maybe if those guys listened to our show instead of having their own, they'd know how to win this thing,” said Jimmy.

City Paper's editor-in-chief, Andy Newman, a longtime friend of the Doublas twins, was unavailable for comment.

Questionable White Powdery Substance Closes Local Strip Club

As the nation is on a heightened state of security following bio-terrorism threats all over the country, a local establishment is feeling the effects as well. The well known Pittsburgh erotic dance club, Stiffy’s, in McKees Rocks, was closed last Friday after a questionable white powder was found on the bare buttocks of one of the club’s performers. The powder was discovered by bar patron James Morris as he walked into one of the private dance areas and discovered stripper Anita Coleman, 24, of Bethel Park, bending over for a client.

“I thought nothing of this scene until I saw [Ms. Coleman’s] [expletive] flying in the air. And normally I wouldn’t think anything of that either, except there was a weird white powdery substance on her [expletive]. It was strange too. The dude with her looked like he was bending over towards the substance, perhaps to eat it. I figured the man must be delusional. I didn’t want to take any chances, especially with all the Anthrax cases out there, so I got out my cell phone and called the police,” recalled Morris.

Police immediately responded to the call and notified the Southwestern Pennsylvania division of the FBI. Officers Steven R. Johnson and Melvin T. Jones arrived on the scene to find the “powdery substance” had mysteriously disappeared from the stripper’s posterior. The policeman followed procedure by dusting for trace amounts of the reported substance, but broke from procedure by tipping the stripper three one dollar bills for the experience.

“We have no idea what happened to the substance in question," Officer Johnson reported. "We cannot say for sure whether it was Anthrax or not, but [we] followed protocol in closing down the business. We searched and searched for more of the substance and could find none except for trace amounts of the questionable substance on the inner wall of the establishment’s toilet. So far lab results are inconclusive.”

Stiffy’s has since reopened and has reported normal business profits.

“Ain’t no scare gonna keep me away from Tuesday night when my girl Missy is dancing,” Stiffy’s regular Lonny Stilley reported. "I’ll have to be on my death bed before I stop coming down Stiffy’s. Me and my brother hang out here all the time and there ain’t no changing that."

Coleman has refused to talk about the incident, and the man who was reportedly with her at the time of the discovery has not been located. Police are looking into his identity, and have increased the frequency of their Stiffy’s beat patrol.

Stevie Leiter's Head's Up!

Hey, how's everyone doing these warm winter days? Me, I'm fantastic.

So, I'm finally out of penicillin. It's time to party!

That's right, Stevie's been a good boy for almost seven months, but now, I'm out to regain my status as the top partier is all of da Burgh!

Item! Kordell Stewart is the best QB in all of the NFL. Who'd've thought that lil' cutie could do anything but suck?

Speaking of sucking, how about that Penn State team? Or even that Penn State quarterback Mike Seneka–he really really sucks!

Did you visit dahntahn during the holidays? There was more sparkle than a drag-queen in sequins.

Damn, I'm almost out of Vaseline!

Entertainment news, Stevie? Why yes.

But not this time.

Anyway, so did everyone watch that Pitt/NC State Tangerine Bowl? Wow, I’m happy to report that Walt Harris isn’t pissed!

What's the big deal with burritos?

After consulting with my publisher, I've decided to stop using the capital"Y." "y," you ask? Sorry, I can't tell you that.

Item! Pitt's Chancellor Nordstrom makes too much money!

Another Item! Pitt spokesman Ken Service is now gone. When the f#ck did that happen?

Well, that's all the news old Stevie has for yinz this time. I have to get to Best Buy to get my new N-Sync bobble-head doll–they remind me almost too much of my last boyfriend James.

Bye!

Point / Weaker Point: Sidewalk Tagging

New Sidewalk Tagged by Frat Boys
- by Trevor Alibaster (aka "Alibastard"), CAS Junior

Dude, it was the fuckin best! Swear to God, dude! Me, Dickweed, Tampon, and Opie were all walkin from Peter's to Cumpie's on Saturday and we saw these hot bitches walkin down Oakland Ave., so we like followed them and stuff. One of em was a Lambda that I hooked up with before; well, I mean she was unconscious and stuff, but when she got up the next morning, she didn't ask me why she was naked or nothin, she just put on her clothes and left. I really respect her for that.

Anyway, so we caught up to them, and I was like grindin on her and stuff and singin “Oops!... I did it again,” and she was all giggling and stuff. So, I told my brothers that I'd “meet them back at the house,” which was like, totally a sign that I was gonna get laid and they should either try to hook up too, or leave, cause I didn't want them around if they were gonna get in the way.

They took off, which was fuckin awesome, cause then I was walkin with these three hot girls. But they kept ignoring me, and one of them turned and said she didn’t like “frat boys.” Fuckin bitch! So I told her, “You wouldn't call your country a cunt, would you?” I should have told her she was a cunt, but I was too pissed to be funny, and stuff. So, anyway, I left to try and find Tampon and those guys, and right next door I saw this driveway that must have just been poured that afternoon, cause there was plastic over it and stuff. I pulled up the sheet and wrote “KEG” and drew a little keg with a tap coming out of it! It was awesome, dude! I found my brothers hangin out at Cumpie's, and told them about it, and they said I was the coolest. And that's like permanent, 'cause, like you can paint over spray paint, but cement gets hard, dude! KEG rules!

---

Antonia Family Pissed
- by Salvatore Giacome Antonia Jr.

My father, God rest his soul, was a man of respect. If you respected him, he respected you; it was his way, our way, the Italian way. When he came to America in 1946, he found a place where he could earn a decent living, raise a family in a good environment—he found South Oakland. He was a skilled tradesman, a craftsman, and nowhere was his proficiency with concrete more respected than in South Oakland. Walk down Pier St. and Oakland Ave., and you will surely notice two things—Italian flags, and beautiful concrete work. My father prided himself on his ability to take any patch of useless grass, no matter how small, and turn it into a beautiful slab of concrete. He poured concrete for 45 years, and in all that time, through thousands of cubic yards of concrete, not once did any of the concrete crack. Not once.

Respect.

Out of respect for my father, I chose to be a masonry expert, and recently, I bought a house in the Little Italy section of South Oakland on Pier St. from some Muslim-type pisan. It's a beautiful house, but it looks like he had some monkeys pour the alleyway. Judging by the cracking, it looks like the slump must have been around 1.5, if they even had a slump cone. And they obviously used too much water to finish. Sure, it made the concrete more workable for those no-talent bums, but now the top is spauling and chipping—terrible. I can't respect a man who does work like that. So out of respect for my neighbors, my house, and most of all, my father, I had my crew pull up the old concrete and pour a fresh slab. We worked all day Saturday, and as the sun was setting, me and Vito brushed the concrete, and covered it the same way you cover a grave with dirt—respectfully.

The next morning I got up to go to mass, and as my wife was putting the kids in the car, I walked over to check on the concrete, and I noticed that some muthafuckin, cock-suckin, dickless, piece of shit, son of a bitch put his initials in it. And if that wasn't enough, the sommabitch drew a bomb next to his initials. Nobody threatens me. You don't disrespect my family. Luckily, my next-door neighbor, Mary Carmonella Bellafonte (you should try her alfredo sauce, it is delicioso) had been unable to sleep that night, and was sitting on her porch and saw a man with some ladies in front of her house talking about his "frat." She went on to tell me that he then proceeded to defile my concrete tribute to my father's life. She gave me a description of the young man, and I think I will pay a visit to him very soon, and teach him a little something about family. And respect

Mr. Pokey's Guide to "What's New in '02?"

(Click to enlarge... heh heh.)

Sig-Phi-Sig to Offer Instructional Fellatio Program

Based on the popularity of the recent “sex toy” program sponsored by the Rainbow Alliance, the University of Pittsburgh chapter of Sigma Phi Sigma (Sig-Phi-Sig) will host a night of instructional blow job techniques in the William Pitt Union next Wednesday.

Opponents of the program say it will be as controversial as the previous event, but Sig-Phi-Sig President Jennie Simms insists its purpose is purely informative and educational.

“We're all adults. Everyone on campus is having sex. Events like the one held by Rainbow Alliance and our AIDS-prevention programs teach us how to protect as well as enjoy ourselves. Shared instructions ensure that we are safe in our practices,” Simms said. "Besides, everyone knows that Sig-Phi-Sigs give the best blow jobs on campus, so it's like learning from a pro!"

The event will be held in the William Pitt Union Ballroom from 7-10 p.m., with Simms and some other Sig-Phi-Sig members demonstrating on bananas, cucumbers, and leftover sex toys from the Rainbow Alliance event. Simms also said the Sig-Phi-Sig ladies will work one-on-one with those attendees wishing to learn.”

Minstretta Wins Highsman

It is not every year, or even every decade, when the University of Pittsburgh has a Highsman Trophy winner. It has been almost eighteen years since Tony Dorsett won the coveted award. However, this year, Pitt has one of the brightest stars living in its own backyard—20-year-old Carlos Minstretta.

High Times, the magazine that sponsors the award, has called Minstretta’s performance “miraculous” and “awe-inspiring.” Minstretta has broken all kinds of records from his Dawson Street porch, including a consecutive high streak of 21 days, a bong clear of five feet, and a monthly cash expenditure upwards of $300.

“It’s an honor just to be nominated,” Minstretta humbly reported. “I didn’t know if I’d win or not, but I relished being recognized as one of the top fifteen burners in the country. I’m just trying to do my part to put Pitt back on the map.”

Pitt has gone all out in order to campaign for Minstretta’s crusade towards the Highsman. The university took out ads in High Times, set up a website (www.bongman.pitt.edu), and awarded him with a ceremonial eight-foot glass bong seized from Tela-Ropa last year.

It wasn’t a walk in the park for Minstretta, as he faced some stiff competition this year. High Times editors say this was the toughest Highsman competition since Cheech Marin and Tommy Chong tied in 1978. Minstretta’s class included the University of Vermont’s Ryan Ellison, known for clearing his one-foot bong in less than 1.5 seconds, University of New Hampshire’s freshman sensation Jimbo Reigns, and UCLA’s long-touted blunt master Samuel Reilly, known as the “Compton Kind Kid.”

“We want the whole country to be aware of Carlos’ success,” Chancellor Mark A. Nordenberg reported. “We have gone to great lengths to let him know of our appreciation, and we believe the University of Pittsburgh is housing the best [pot] head in the country. It’s great that we, thanks to Carlos, have won the Highsman Trophy. It’s been awhile since we’ve been able to say that.”