Minstretta Wins Highsman

It is not every year, or even every decade, when the University of Pittsburgh has a Highsman Trophy winner. It has been almost eighteen years since Tony Dorsett won the coveted award. However, this year, Pitt has one of the brightest stars living in its own backyard—20-year-old Carlos Minstretta.

High Times, the magazine that sponsors the award, has called Minstretta’s performance “miraculous” and “awe-inspiring.” Minstretta has broken all kinds of records from his Dawson Street porch, including a consecutive high streak of 21 days, a bong clear of five feet, and a monthly cash expenditure upwards of $300.

“It’s an honor just to be nominated,” Minstretta humbly reported. “I didn’t know if I’d win or not, but I relished being recognized as one of the top fifteen burners in the country. I’m just trying to do my part to put Pitt back on the map.”

Pitt has gone all out in order to campaign for Minstretta’s crusade towards the Highsman. The university took out ads in High Times, set up a website (www.bongman.pitt.edu), and awarded him with a ceremonial eight-foot glass bong seized from Tela-Ropa last year.

It wasn’t a walk in the park for Minstretta, as he faced some stiff competition this year. High Times editors say this was the toughest Highsman competition since Cheech Marin and Tommy Chong tied in 1978. Minstretta’s class included the University of Vermont’s Ryan Ellison, known for clearing his one-foot bong in less than 1.5 seconds, University of New Hampshire’s freshman sensation Jimbo Reigns, and UCLA’s long-touted blunt master Samuel Reilly, known as the “Compton Kind Kid.”

“We want the whole country to be aware of Carlos’ success,” Chancellor Mark A. Nordenberg reported. “We have gone to great lengths to let him know of our appreciation, and we believe the University of Pittsburgh is housing the best [pot] head in the country. It’s great that we, thanks to Carlos, have won the Highsman Trophy. It’s been awhile since we’ve been able to say that.”