Sig-Phi-Sig to Offer Instructional Fellatio Program

Based on the popularity of the recent “sex toy” program sponsored by the Rainbow Alliance, the University of Pittsburgh chapter of Sigma Phi Sigma (Sig-Phi-Sig) will host a night of instructional blow job techniques in the William Pitt Union next Wednesday.

Opponents of the program say it will be as controversial as the previous event, but Sig-Phi-Sig President Jennie Simms insists its purpose is purely informative and educational.

“We're all adults. Everyone on campus is having sex. Events like the one held by Rainbow Alliance and our AIDS-prevention programs teach us how to protect as well as enjoy ourselves. Shared instructions ensure that we are safe in our practices,” Simms said. "Besides, everyone knows that Sig-Phi-Sigs give the best blow jobs on campus, so it's like learning from a pro!"

The event will be held in the William Pitt Union Ballroom from 7-10 p.m., with Simms and some other Sig-Phi-Sig members demonstrating on bananas, cucumbers, and leftover sex toys from the Rainbow Alliance event. Simms also said the Sig-Phi-Sig ladies will work one-on-one with those attendees wishing to learn.”