WPTS Wins "Best Morning Show"

In an announcement that had all of Pittsburgh radio up in arms, WPTS, the student-run radio station of the University of Pittsburgh, won City Paper's “Best Morning Zoo Show.” The WPTS signal barely reaches off campus, but credits its win to two men: twins Billy and Jimmy Doublas, of McCandless, PA.

“Well, Billy's just so zany,” said Jimmy, “He's always telling knock-knock jokes, and he even has a few dirty ones, too.”

“Yeah, I couldn't believe we won,” interjected Jimmy, “I was like, holy shoot, Billy! We won!”

When asked what one piece they thought sealed their win this year, Jimmy was quick to answer. “We did this bit about calling up [Pitt's Tele-Fact] line, and, like, asking stuff like, 'Do midgets have regular-sized penises?' and 'How many CMU students does it take to change a lightbulb?'”

“The answer is none. CMU students hire Pitt Alumni! Get it? That one's great. But they still had to look it up,” explained Billy.

When asked to comment on losing to such competition, WDVE morning personality Jim Krenn said, “Those jag-offs won? Scott [Paulson] never shoulda retired.”
WDVE straight-guy Ed Crowe added, “They don't even do ‘Pants N’At’ jokes. C'mon.”

John, Dave, Bubba, and Shelly of B-94, long considered WDVE's main competition in the coveted “Morning Zoo” slot, also had negative reactions. “We were broadcasting from Market Square one morning,” said Bubba, “when the program director shows up with this poll result. I was like, 'What the [heck] is WPTS? Who are these guys?'”

Billy and Jimmy refuse to be belittled by their betters, they say, and insist that they earned it. “Maybe if those guys listened to our show instead of having their own, they'd know how to win this thing,” said Jimmy.

City Paper's editor-in-chief, Andy Newman, a longtime friend of the Doublas twins, was unavailable for comment.